Listen to them and talk with them.

Well, that's what my DH would say. Personally, I'm not good with kids, hence being on this site. However, he is very good with them - he's a counsellor, so his training helps. My issues aren't the same as yours - it sounds as if you enjoy having kids with you but are just struggling to cope with their emotions and relating behaviour.

If you can create the conditions for them to be able to discuss their feelings with you, then you can move forward and enable them to channel their frustrations in postive directions. Obviously, all this is a lot easier said than done.

I think the most important part of this is making sure that they feel heard by you. Open questions and not giving them the answers. They won't know why they are acting the way they do. Their bad behaviour certainly won't be premeditated. Respect them and their feelings. Just listen to them, don't tell them what they think or what they should do or not do. Enable them to find the answers themselves.

Let them know it is ok to be angry and upset. It is a natural emotion that needs to be dealt with. Find an acceptable solution - boxing lessons, karate, etc can be very helpful in channeling destructive emotions.

You do need firm boundaries though.

With firm boundaries and (calm, objective) discussions about behaviour and consequences - giving them the power over their actions, they can learn to control their emotions.

For example inform them that it is their choice to do something, and discuss the likely consquences of their action. It can also help to have the other family members involved, as this gives more opportunity for discussing various opinions in an objective manner. Just keep your own emotions under control, and don't make threats.

Also give them time to think and time to self soothe. Time out on their own to think about something can be a good thing.

All this would take time, patience and consistency - creating a safe environment for them to discuss things with you won't happen over night.

Good luck!

Time to move farther away from BM.

That is the one thing I credit most with the strong family relationships that my Wife, our Son (my SS) and I have. We have never lived close enough to SpermDad for my SS to be permanently defected by the SpermClan toothless idiot drama.

Many will likely not agree with the strategy but it does work. We did not purposely move SS away from BioDad. My Wife was a 16yo single teen Mom who moved out of state with her Son when she finished HS to attend college. She and I met in college 1200Mi from BioDad. So, SS nor any of us has lived in proximity to BioDad or the SpermClan since the Skid was ~12mos old.

It works great to minimize the toxic influence of the SpermClan. We still deal with the pre visitation (5wks Summer, 1wk Winter, 1wk Spring)personality change in my SS and the post visitation detox period but over all the situation is managable and tolerable.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

We went through a period of adjustment when BM to SS10 decided to start seeing him EOW when previously, it was a once in a while, few hours type of visitation. The other household is run differently from ours. Every time SS10 came back from the EOW, he'd had a brand new something and practically tales of money and things being showered upon him. There are definitely less rules over there and more kids, 4 when SS10 is there. BM's new hubby is truly a guilty daddy and BM, though not as bad as hubby, is to an extent. All you can do is repeat and enforce expectations of good behavior at your house. It might take some time before things calm down. I know it took several months in our case for SS10 to be somewhat normal when he returned and us having to do less "de-programming".

Ok---was in similar situation---SD's now 19&17, so I got through the same thing of seeing BM EOW (after 5 yrs of just now and then, etc...). It is very hard, and as crayon said, BM probably lets them do whatever they want because she is the "Disney" mom, only sees every now and then so is fun. Talking to them is great, but I also recommend just having a down time to get back into the swing of things.

For a while, I did not go to swap when BM saw SD's. It gave them 15min drive home to get out of their system, whatever attitude they had, with DH. Right now it probably is more of the crying and less of the Behaviourl probs---just wait when more of Behavioural has, but you can handle it.

DH even had to tell them as they hit the lovely teen years, and it was just more attitude about coming home to Our rules (whereas none at BM's house). Pretty much, they could go sit in their room all evening on Sundays to readjust to how we did things, if they had attitude. They knew that the rules were different, and they didn't like that a lot, but it was Life. And even had those conversations of---there will be many times in life where you will not like different rules, but you still have to follow them---school, jobs, etc... Usually, the 15 mintues "down time" on the way home was enough to get over the attitude and readjust (kids are resilient)---this is an adjustment for them right now, but they will get used to the EOW routine and pretty soon settle out, with only a few exceptions some weekends.