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At my wits end

ecs's picture

Hi, I have just discovered this site and it is such a massive relief to read that I am not the only person going through dramas with SD17.
I don't know what to do anymore though, I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and it has to stop.
the ex is a nightmare who cheated on H after 22 years of marriage. I came into the picture after it was all done and dusted, but ex was hell bent that the daughters shouldn't like me and to make waves so it caused a rift. This was 4 years ago. The oldest one drank it all up from her mum and doesn't speak to her dad and that's fine by me. The youngest one (now almost 17). Is living with us for the 3rd time because mummy keeps dumping her on our doorstep and then she runs back to mum when she doesn't like the rules or get her own way.
Her dad and I got married 3 weeks ago overseas in Greece and I will go as far to say that she ruined the whole experience for me as she made the build up so stressful and all about her. I found out 20 minutes before we left to catch the flights, that my little sister had finally died from cancer. Not one crap was given then or has been since. Because then it would have been about me and bother. She regularly goes into meltdowns and all the way along, she threatened not to get on connecting flights, wanted her dad to take her back to Australia etc. yep, she does have depression and a anxiety issues, but what teenage kid doesn't?? She is totally enabled by her dad who thinks it's just her 'condition'. When she calls him an 'f'ing d'ck' and refuses to leave her room. He cooks her meals and takes them up to her room on a tray. She has him completely wrapped around her finger like a little princess.
She is coming up to the last few weeks of her school career and she refuses to do her work to finish. But the Thing is, she doesn't even GO TO SCHOOL, she is distance educated (sits in her bedroom and does what she wants when she wants) because she 'can't handle school' Because of the 'anxiety'.
In the times that she's been here over the years, she's trashed all my stuff in our bedroom' with a note on top of the destruction telling me to 'Get the F out of my house', she's constantly been rude and disrespectful, never mind the sense of entitlement. She's spoilt beyond belief and H just keeps enabling her saying he can't lose both of his daughters.
I have only been married 3 weeks, the only time we argue is about her but it's getting to the point that it's maki g me ill - he wonders why after all this time that I've suddenly got very angry about it now - well the death of my sister (and I had to euthanase my cat when I got home). Just all adds to my sadness at not seeing anything being able to be resolved. I love him very much and I can't afford to leave even if I wanted to, but I can't stand to be in the same house with her.
I have a darling 15 nearly 16 boy myself whose worst crime is leaving towels on the floor and a messy room. He goes to school, he has a hairdressing apprenticeship job and he gets his stuff some. He is loving, kind, respectful and considerate to others and thankful for what he has. He cannot believe how spoilt and ungrateful she is and gets upset that the house - his sanctuary too - is a battle zone.
I don't know if I need advice, help, or what I need to do, but many thanks for reading, because I really don't know what to do from here.
E

No Name's picture

I would start by having SD go to a physician for a complete physical and medication for her depression and anxiety. She should also be going to therapy. Those two things working together will make a difference in both your lives. My daughter is going through this and what a difference it has made! We are all much happier.
I will however say that she has never done anything disrespectful or cursed at house but her moods were horrible and it was like walking on egg shells in our own home. Mental health issues or not her father needs to put his foot down on her being disrespectful. She is approaching adult hood and will soon be out in the working world. Is she prepared? Would an employer accept her tantrums? I think not. Her father is not doing her any favors by babying her. It's time for Daddy's little girl to grow up. It's a big world out there and it is not all about her!

ecs's picture

Thanks so much for your reply no name.

Oh we have tried the physician route MAAAANY TIMES, we have tried to get her to counsellors/therapists, to go on medication etc. She flat out refuses to go to any of them or to take anything. Why? because it will come to light that it's all just pretend and that she's putting it all on.

Its the whiney, disrespectful entitled attitude that irks me the most and Daddy enables it. I totally agree, she's not a little girl anymore, time to grow up. She is extremely rude. She even went as far to say that her dad shouldn't go out and have a social life, that he should be putting his life on hold for a year until she's into uni because he should be there for her when she needs him. Puhleeese. Ain't gunna happen.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

So sorry for the loss of your sister. And your furry friend. What a great deal to handle emotionally at what was to be a time of celebration for your marriage. Then to have SD acting so poorly. Too much.

I agree with No Name...insist to your DH that the girl be seen by professionals to help her. And that he start parenting her and not coddling her. Really...dinner delivered to her room. Please. If she is hungry she can come to the kitchen. He should be serving his new bride meals in bed!

Also no more yo yo between houses. She follows the rules at your house and if she runs back to BM she stays there. Then visits only.

Look up disengaging on this site. Looks like that is your best bet for now and if it were me I would include DH until he gets his head out of SD's backside. How can you even respect how he is acting? Ugh.

Perhaps watch some episodes of the Dog Whisperer...sounds like your DH needs tips on how to be a strong and calm assertive pack leader (parent). He is acting from a place of fear. Feral dogs and wild children can sense that instability and do not follow Parents who are not parenting.
Get that professional doctors and therapy set up asap.

Good luck. Take time right now for you. Find what makes you and your son have some reprieve from the crazy and time to grieve your recent loss. Peace

ecs's picture

Thanks so much LostinSpaceandTime, yeah, it has all been very tough and the straw that broke the came's back with the selfish behaviour.

Please reads above reply to nonage. She refuses to go to anyone, take anything etc. I cannot even begin to count the times where I have told him to stop enabling her and step up to the plate. He's completely weak when it comes to her.

It sounds terrible, but my primary aim is now to get her back to her mothers and no, there will be no more coming back. I moved into his house so in the past, i didn't have much of a say, but now I'm the wife, the balance of power has changed and she won't be coming back to live.

Disengagement is what i'm going through now, I have refused support of any kind until some steps are taken and my god, when I have my mind set on something, i will do it. He's upset with me but I can't do anything else or be anyone else at this stage. i'm not even allowed to grieve in my own home.

Your so right, he is parenting with fear as the primary emotion and she is not following him at all, in fact she's using him. I'm standing my ground firmly and hopefully things will change. If they won't, well, I know what I'll have to do.
x

ecs's picture

Thanks so much for your reply Sally.

The only time we every argue is over her, the rest of the time, we have so much fun, laughs, love and good times and I loved the thought of being his wife. I didn't marry her.. Don't get me wrong, I respect that he loves his daughter but I also lose respect for the way he lets her treat him. I am very verbal about my opinions on the matter but it's not getting through. Thats why i found this forum out of sheer frustration.

She's almost 17 and she's not here for long (surely she has to be out within a couple of years?!! Sad ) and when she is out of this house, she sure ain't coming back and now, as the wife, I have more pull in the house.

As I replied to the post above, I have disengaged from her completely now and refuse to be a part of anything until some help is sought. I have put my principles aside for too long and i'm fed up of being the dog in the corner that gets kicked. As a result, H and I are withdrawing slightly from each other and it's sad, but I'm standing my ground. He says how hard it is for him, having 2 relationships, one with me and then a separate one with SD. I say 'Simple, go and get her some help and then we'll see if the wind changes'

I'm becoming the wicked stepmother I never had the intentions to be, but hey, if you wanna play with fire, I know how to burn.

ecs's picture

She has gone for the week to Melbourne and the house is a happier, brighter place. I've told SO that we shouldn't be distant just because of her, but I stand strong in my position with her, I still refuse to have anything to do with her until the crap stops or steps are taken.
I actually feel very liberated!

boozlendidsmom's picture

ECS, congratulations on your recent marriage! I also got married three weeks ago and I have a difficult SD14. She made the months leading up to our marriage very stressful and I finally disengaged from her. She WAS in therapy, until the therapist suggested a full psych evaluation and intensive outpatient therapy at a psych hospital, multiple days a week after school. She threw a big fit and refused to go. She also refused to see her regular therapist again. Thus far, she's completely gotten away with it.

She's with us half time and we no longer exchange any words or even make eye contact, even when sitting at the dinner table together. She's no longer with us on nights when her father has to work overnight. She goes back to her mother's house. I refuse to stay with her.

This doesn't seem at all like a healthy family dynamic, but nothing else was working for me. It's WAY better than when I was interacting with her. My stress level has decreased significantly. I still hate it when she's here. I can't wait for her to leave. But at least there are no ugly confrontations to deal with.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and your cat. Sounds like you had a lot of difficult stuff going on. How lousy to have to deal with a SD during all of that.