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The never ending step

Jule's picture

I hate the word step parent. It's like saying you are almost there, but not quite. I usually just call him my son because he does not remember a time when I wasn't in his life. I have been having some issues lately with family dynamics. The kiddo starting kindergarten and my wife and her ex having to deal with all that while I play third wheel is hard to deal with. I really hope this site is what I'm looking for because I could really use some support. My wife and I have conversations of course, but there is just no way that she can understand where I am coming from.... Anyone else have these issues???

Comments

Indigo's picture

Your opening line: " ... you are almost there, but not quite" resonates with many of us.

How long have you been with your spouse? Do you have kids of your own in this blended family? Let me tell you that kids are cute in kindergarten ... late elementary school, less than ... middle-school hormones? uhm, not great.

So, if you are in the wonder-years and having challenges, what's your plan moving forward? Yes, I get that this is DW's child, but how does DW parent the child?

Jule's picture

We have been married for 3 years in December, and together for 4. We don't have a baby together. My wife doesn't want anymore kids. To be honest, most of the time I don't want anymore either. But sometimes I get that pull that says I want a baby, but it's just not possible. Also, my step son can be very challenging and my wife is afraid that the next one would be just like him... It wouldn't bother me because I grew up in a pretty big family with a lot of kids around all the time, but my wife is an only child..

Jule's picture

You are right, I will never be his father. I am a woman, my step son has three mommies. Sounds like a lot, I know. So I think our dynamics are different than others, but I am still a step parent just the same.

Jule's picture

We are not having anymore kids, no. I very much wanted a child that I was there for the conception, the birth and everything in between. That doesn't always work out for everyone. I think maybe I wasn't as detailed in my blog as I should have been. I am a woman and so is my wife. It isn't as easy for same sex couples to have kids. But that isn't the reason we aren't having one. My wife is an only child and that is all she wants. My wife's ex, who is also a woman, was not a great partner when my wife was pregnant. She had a bad experience being pregnant with her partner at the time never being present, or helpful. My wife knows that it would be completely different with me, but she feels that we are too old now. Etc, etc....

ChiefGrownup's picture

Welcome to the board. Sometimes we have great advice, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we listen really well, other times you wonder if you're typing in a foreign language. But we all know something about step life and we surely need your voice here so you can teach us what you've learned, too. So climb aboard and enjoy the ride!

Indigo's picture

^^Nicely said^^ Too bad that Dawn doesn't have that as an opening auto response to an initial post.

Jule's picture

Thank you for the feedback everyone. Not sure what I was expecting, but thank you for the honesty. Sometimes the truth hurts. I guess I thought that my situation was unique because I am a woman and so is my wife. It looks to me like most people or at least those that replied to my blog, are straight. But I think this is a good place to get advice, and thank you for welcoming me.

Jule's picture

So my wife and I had an argument last Sunday that hasn't really completely gone away. She told me Sunday morning that she invited her ex to come to the house and watch the Football game with us. We had another couple and their daughter over as well. I was less than impressed because we had agreed that she would ask me first next time she wanted to invite her ex over. She rescinded the invite and was very truthful to her ex why. I told my wife that I am just not ready to play nice with the ex. Although they are way better at co parenting these days, they were not always like that.. When I first came into the picture my wife's crazy ex was very emotionally abusive.. She used to yell and scream at my wife in from of the boy who was just over a year old at the time. I had to threaten the ex to make her stop speaking to my wife the way she was. And now that the two of them are way better to each other, I don't forgive as easily. I never say anything bad about the ex in front of my step son, and I never will. But words do hurt and I guess I am not as quick to forgive and forget.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Well, here's an easily identifiable problem -- do not be inviting the ex over for football parties or any other social occasion. Do not have the ex inside the house for any reason. Dropoffs in the driveway.

Can't see how it's any different being straight or not straight. It's not a matter of forgiving ex for bad behavior. It's a matter of who the hell is your wife married to, you or ex? Your home is your castle. If your wife wants to date this other person, she can do so away from you.

No -- it is not "good for the child" to have you all enmeshed together. Your wife needs to pick a team and stick with it.