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Cannot have one day respected and observed, frustrated!

Modernworld1011's picture

I feel like there is no winning. My spouse is going to see his child at school for four days. He just tells me today two days before departing, of his son may be coming back with him. Well, no one told me, and of course it is during our wedding anniversary. He is annoyed at me for not being thrilled to share our day and space. This is an almost 18 year old by the way. He feels his child should be welcome anytime, which is true, but I also feel that we are entitled to have a day where we can just worry about ourselves. It becomes tricky because he will feel bad if he is not spending time with his son, and we go out. So, basically the day is not enjoyable either way. The child does not ever remember our wedding date so I don't blame him. I am annoyed that my husband did not bother to say anything, lest his child not feel welcome. I am just so aggravated that my spouse cannot let us have one darn day. I am also frustrated that he did not bother to discuss any of this until now, and now he is annoyed at me for not just "working" with things. I don't want to have to understand. I also wish he was more protective of our space,

Indigo's picture

Seriously, that sounds like such a "guy" thing. In his world, he's probably thinking about how he loves you and you're great and it's great he gets to see his son and wow, how cool he can come home and have a good visit and ...

Dates seem to be more important to women than to men.

My only thought is that he should have run all of this past you before he told SS-17 ... Inconsiderate DH, like many spouses.

At least it's not like your MIL/FIL/SIL stopping by from out-of-state over 1200 miles away, while you are at work, to stay for a few days. Unannounced to me until 10 am that morning. Working 8-5. My ex-DH didn't think it was important to discuss because 'this is family.' That was super stressful.

Bet your DH is brilliant at other things which is why you are around to celebrate your anniversary. Congrats.

Indigo's picture

Ah, Ladyface ... in my world it has been a stereotypical "guy" thing. Unless their SO's made it an issue or a boundary.

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi Indigo, thanks for the kind and upbeat post. It is the recurring theme of not bothering to share things with me until he feels like telling me about them. In this case, I had made a surprise that was reliant on two other people and needed to happen at a certain time, so not knowing that we may need to consider the needs of his son threw my whole surprise into disarray. Something, I spent weeks working on… Had I known his time might be needed elsewhere I could have either changed things or done something else. Now its too late.

I would have hoped that when his son first mentioned heading down, he would have said something to me so then I could learn whether there was any reason other than just hanging out… I also don't like being told "I'll let you know when I think its important."

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That's so sweet!! My DH always remembers my birthday and our anniversary.

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi Echo, that is so lovely what you and your husband do to celebrate you day, and all days that matter to you! May you both have many more years of this happiness together!

It brings joy to know tha totters can get it right and have such joy!

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi Sally, it has nothing to do with his son being here. It is a recurring theme of not telling me things until he chooses to do so, and because it was our anniversary and there was no reason to expect any of our kids to be around, I made plans. Sadly, it is too late now to change and adjust things, so the plans are scrapped. Had I known sooner, I could have adjusted things, but now the schedules won't coordinate.

Indigo's picture

DH prevaricates by adding the "might." Typical guy ... deflect. And, nope, DH probably didn't care so much that OP could fit into her wedding dress.

Aside: sorry, had a horrible moment years ago watching Oprah Whinfrey. She had a bunch of women on her stage all dressed in their wedding dresses years later --- the "happiest day of their lives." That was a life-changing moment for me.

hereiam's picture

It's not a "guy" thing. It's an inconsiderate asshole thing.

Yep. To say "it's a guy thing," is just giving them a pass.

My DH is a die hard romantic. The last thing on his mind on our anniversary is his daughter.

Men, romantic or not, should know better and do better. Unless he is a complete idiot, he knows what certain days mean to you.

Indigo's picture

Partners should know better. Partners should honor time with their spouse. Children should be raised by their biological parents. Lions should not kill the cubs when they take over a pride. SM's should not have to deal with other people's problems. We should all pick great partners ... oh, wait ... there would be no need for STepTalk.

It's an imperfect world.

Modernworld1011's picture

Giggle, sad but true post. I am definitely one of those people who has derived much comfort from being understood here. There is no one in my life to talk to this stuff about. Thank heavens for the site, and people like yourself who can be heartfelt and lighthearted at the same time.

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi Herelam, thanks for the kind words of support. I am glad your guy is a sweetie. Not expecting any of our kids to be around, I made a surprise, and I was told too late about the visit to adjust the timing. I spent weeks working on it, and had he shared the news of the visit when he knew it, rather than when he decided to tell me things could have been adjusted.

It a recurring pattern of him deciding when he will share information with me.

I cannot imagine a man who can think only of his wife for a moment. You are fortunate!

Much happiness to you both!

WTF...REALLY's picture

My hubby is better at remembering these things than I am. Perhaps I am more "guy" than I realized. Lol

Modernworld1011's picture

Yes, it is a nice surprise when it is the guy who is sentimental. Enjoy it!

Great quote at the bottom! Thanks, WFT… Really!

Indigo's picture

Modernworld1011, I intended to divert the vent a bit by sharing a common perception. I was sexist. I'm sorry that my comments hijacked your thread a bit.

So, how are you doing in reality? Has DH brought SS back? In truth, I might be disappointed if I envisioned a dinner for two, quiet time, talking, making out and celebrating when we became a couple --- and anyone interrupted it. (Okay, and maybe some sex on the recliner.)

It is not too much to ask. Did you actually ask? Did you let DH know that this was important to you? Sit-down talk or I-assume-he knows? Shoulda-knowns are killers. Clear communication.

Apologizes again for my sexist generalization moving your post off target.

Modernworld1011's picture

Hi again Indigo, No worries! That really is the crux of the problem, he tells me things when he decides it is important. I have repeatedly asked him to please let me know about possible changes when he knows. He still does not bother to do so.

I had spent weeks planning a surprise that required the help of others. Because he chose to tell me so late about the new plans, I could not adjust my plans to fit the new circumstances. So, everything had to be scrapped.

We could have talked about it, and I could have changed things had he bothered to tell me when he first knew.

Thanks again for the kind reply and concern! Smile

Indigo's picture

Communication snafus.

Hard to plan a surprise and not alert the other party ... but hard to "reserve" the time span otherwise.

A DH who has a different idea of the definition of "need-to-know" information ... that's a different type of challenge.

Happy Anniversary.