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Frustrated with Wife's ExHusband!

daddyrob's picture

OK, so the title here explains what's going on. I am extremely frustrated with this dude. He's such a bitch. He has done just about everything in his power to do less and less for his kids and to have less and less time with them. He lost his job some months ago and is living off his severance pay and started a trucking business. Now, he was offered a new position with his old employer for more money, yet he turned it down due to the fact that he had to travel farther. We feel he let his job go to get out of paying for healthcare for his kids. He did not try to make provisions for his kids for healthcare, even though it is decreed in their divorce that HE provide healthcare. So now I provide healthcare for my stepdaughters. He used to pick them up every other Friday for his weekend, about 2 years ago that stopped and it is now on Saturday mornings that he picks them up. He is inconsistent on times though. Sometimes its 9, then its 10, 12 even as late as 5. Basically its whenever the fuck he wants. He used to take them every Wednesday night to dinner. That stopped. He used to pay a portion of all day care and extra curricular activities. That stopped. He was court ordered to pay a clothing stipend every 3 months. That NEVER happened. Yet he has the balls to tell my wife that its not his fault her and I cannot take care of the girls on our own. And that he wants more time with his kids, but his actions show the exact opposite. His severance ends in November so I'm sure CS is going to stop or become drastically lowered again. Less and less. I have no problems stepping up and doing for my stepdaughters, but then I have to hear them sing his praises cause he takes them to hotels on his weekends and buys them new phones and toys?? Yes, his weekends or should I say nights are at a hotel because he lives with his mother and her house was deemed unfit for the children by Dyfus. I'm really fed up with this douche. He bad mouths my wife and I to the children, telling them that their mother and I were living in sin because we moved in together and were together before our divorces were finalized. Meanwhile, he cheated on her as well and has had a relationship with that woman as well. He's a hypocrite. He hides behind his bible, quoting scripture and such. Yet, when his kids call him, he can't answer his phone. Now my wife says she's not going to allow him to take them anymnore. Which is only going to cause MORE problems for US. I know his ultimate goal is to break us up. Throughout their whole marriage, he heard about me and my past relationship with her from her and her family, as did my ex wife. So I can understand his hatred towards me. But its time to get over it and move on. Its been 5 years. I'm frustrated because I'm tired of fighting with my wife over the shit HE doesn't do, that I do for my 2 daughters from my first marriage. Sometimes I just want to walk away. I married HER. I understand that I took on her kids as part of that, but NOTHING says I have to deal with this bitch ass as well. Trust, if I was not an NYC schoolteacher who can lose his job for getting arrested, I would have BEEN kicked his ass. But I am a grown man with kids to take care of. I cannot afford to lose my job. I do not know what to do at times. Thanks for listening and any and all advice will be listened to.

Snowflake's picture

I am a little confused. You said that throughout their marriage he had to hear about you ?? Please clarify. Did you have an affair with her. Even if you did, it sounds like he is an asshole. Sounds like he is simply disinterested in caring for his kids.

There is nothing you can do to make him interested in being more of a father and taking his kids. The mother not allowing him to take this kids will drive more of a wedge between them, and they the kids will only think it is moms fault instead of their dads. I would just let him take the kids when he does.

Sounds like she wants you to do things with her kids that he is failing to do. That is an issue between you and her. You need to simply tell her that she needs to get mad at him and not you.

daddyrob's picture

Sorry, let me further explain. Her and I were together years ago as teenagers. This is our second go around. Her family always loved me and kept pictures of me in their houses and such. So that's why he heard of me.

daddyrob's picture

Understand that this is the FIRST time she will be keeping them from him. All the time lost was HIS decisions, not hers. AS for the insurance, she was going to insure them from her job, but it was cheaper to add them to my policy as her and our daughter are already there as well.

daddyrob's picture

I never said it wasn't wrong. I know it is. I went though that shit with my ex wife when she tried to deny me my girls. And I think that its bullshit that he doesn't HAVE to take his mandated time. I'm just fed up with this dude dropping more and more responsibility and then talking shit when she tells him to step up. I'm sorry but to me, any father that doesn't take care of his kids isn't a man. Just my $0.02.

daddyrob's picture

I agree with everything you're saying except the recent hardship part. This has been ongoing for 5 years. He is always looking to do less and less. It is not new. It's not like he was doing what he was supposed to when he had his job.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Sorry, but visitation is a PRIVILEGE and he does not have to exercise his privilege. NO ONE can MAKE him take his kids for ANY reason. If he doesn't want to see them, he doesn't have to see them. Yes, it's sh!tty, but that's the bottom line.

daddyrob's picture

Sorry, but if it is a court ordered visitation schedule, not following it can put you in contempt of court.

Snowflake's picture

If you can do that in your state, then you should try to. I can imagine the only thing the court will do is change the visitation order. Which means to make it legally less time. How old are your skids?

daddyrob's picture

They will be 17 and 7 in November. And in NJ that's what they will do. Which is what she wants. I just have to convince her to go about it the legal way.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

If it is court ordered and the court can FORCE him to see his kids, and that is what your wife wants, then she needs to act. If she refuses to do anything... do you have a legal leg to stand on to enforce this or is it up to her?

daddyrob's picture

I have no legal leg to stand on. I am a step father, which means nothing. This is part of the problem. She wants him to do what's right by the kids, which obviously he's not going to do. So now her attitude is if you're not going to help raise them or support them then you shouldn't be able to see them. I have been telling her to document every time he is late, or every Friday he didn't come. Then she could take that to the court and show how much he has violated the court order.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That's what I figured. She will have to take matters in hand to get the legal ball rolling. Sorry!

I knew someone who had children he didn't want (didn't bother to wear protection and ended up with twins). He tried to make it work in the beginning, but divorced the mom because she was a serial cheater. The mother disappeared with her 4 kids (2 from another baby daddy) and he had no financial means to locate her. 4 years later, her parents contacted him - they had all of the children before the state could take them away from her. Well...he was a terrible father. Got the kids every other weekend for 6 months then decided he didn't want to be a father so only sent child support. He was too busy partying and being an alcoholic. A few years later, he again tried to be a father. Gave up AGAIN when the son got in serious trouble and ended up in juvie. His kids are 20 now and they hate him. They have abandonment issues because of him AND their mother. He has a grandson he will never see, but he's still too busy being an alcoholic to care about anything else.

Sorry for the story, but if your stepkids father is in and out, they might need therapy and your wife should be aware that they may act out because of it. If she's not going to pursue him for visitation, she might want to seek therapy for them. Sad

daddyrob's picture

Thanks for the replies guys. I totally understand. Which adds to my frustration. When he doesn't do what he's supposed to, it pisses her off. When she is pissed off, I have to deal with that. And of course he doesn't live with her, so I get the blow back. Then whatever he doesn't do, we then have to pick up his slack. You're right, the kids suffer. I see how he doesn't pick them up when he's supposed to, my wife and I get pissed, then the kids feel like we're pissed because we don't want them there. And it's not that at all. I just have to talk to her and talk her of the ledge. This step parenting thing is a lot harder than I thought. Its been 5 years and I've aged about 10! Stress, weight gain. It's hard and thankless. Had I known then what I know now, things would be different.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

That's why we're here and thankful to have a place where others understand what we deal with in step parent life. Small consolation, but at least we have each other!

jumanji's picture

Don't count on it, even in NJ. Parenting time is a right, not a requirement. If MOM can prove that he has consistentlytaken lessthan his allotted time, they may reduce it and inbcrease CS. But..... Wifey hasn't been bothered to take him to court for contempt for other issues(i.e. health insurance) - not likely she'll do it for this, either.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I agree with Ladyface.

If your wife's ex is not adhering to the custody orders, then he's in contempt and she should take him to court. For her to withhold visitation is also a violation of the custody orders and opens her up to a contempt charge as well.

I don't blame you for being angry, but a portion of your frustration should be directed at your wife. She needs to handle her business like a big girl instead of playing title for tat with her ex.

daddyrob's picture

Thank you for the words. I take everything here with a grain of salt. A lot of people respond from their own place of hurt. And there is a lot of hurt here, I am trying my best to do what's right for ALL my kids. I can say that the past few weeks have been better, I know its only a few weeks, but Things are better. My wife is being more understanding and appreciative of me.