When I met my, now fiancé, over 2 years ago, I was ECSTATIC to learn that his 2 children were 'adults' and not school aged children like those of the men I had dated in the past. Throughout my time as a single mom, I realized very quickly that my method of parenting was VERY different from that of the part time dads that I had met. You see, despite not parenting in the same home as their dad after our divorce over 10 years ago, my ex-husband and I continued to raise our children in our respective homes, to be respectful, confident, trustworthy, mannerly, honest and filled with integrity. I am extremely proud of the young adults they've become, and I can say with all honesty, that I had never been in a relationship with anyone who didn't express to me what terrific kids I had. The same holds true to this very day; my fiancé has a mutually respectful and cherished relationship with my son, and he and my teenage daughter simply adore one another.
My first introduction to my fiancé's 23 year old daughter (at the time) was at a motorcycle lover's convention. He introduced us in the street, she gave me the once over, as most insecure females do, said hello, and then proceeded to carry on as if I had suddenly vanished. I can remember thinking to myself on that very day, "This isn't gonna be good". She and her son, then 3 years old, were actually living with him, being supported by mother's allowance and paying nothing towards the upkeep of the bills, groceries and rent.
Very soon into our relationship, my partner had sent me a text with a photo attached to it, showing a disgusting pile of dishes that had been accumulated in his sink by his daughter, and followed it up with saying, "Look what I get to do". I knew right then and there that we were going to have a problem, as there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to carry on a relationship or respect a man who would allow anyone to take advantage of him like that, PARTICULARLY his own kid ! Clearly, she had been enabled by him for FAR too long, and this kind of thing was just the icing on the cake as I would soon learn. Let's just say that within 3 months of getting together, his daughter was finally out on her own, and on her way (or so I'd hoped) to setting a better example for her own son. I must add that she moved out reluctantly, but this was my partner’s first introduction to the kind of woman I am; one that does not put up with any bullshit, and if you plan on making a life with me, then neither do you.
I’ll skip ahead to where we are today. From now on, we’ll refer to his daughter as SB (Super Brat)
Her visits to our home are pretty few and far between, and that suits me just fine. When SB’s dad and I moved in together, (neither his place or mine, we literally moved into a ‘new to us’ home) along with my teenage kids who LIVE with us part time and their dad the other time, she couldn’t understand why she was no longer allowed to come for a WEEKEND visit with her dad (which would obviously include her sleeping over for 2 nights) and to this day, she has pushed that issue incessantly. Because she won’t let this topic go, it has put a wedge between her dad and I on more than one occasion, where we don’t speak to one another for days because we’re so pissed off with the other for taking the stand that we have…..but I have not backed down once, or given in to her tantrums. Let me remind you, that she is now 25 years old with a 5 year old son. She’s even gone so far as to text her dad and say things like “Who the fuck does she think she is? This is bullshit, daddy” (yep, she calls him daddy) And why do I know what slander she wrote about me ?
Because I did what any other verbally and emotionally disrespected step-parent would do; after yet another of her hissy fits, I checked my partner’s phone, but didn’t lead on that I had. I’ll be honest with saying that I was more upset with the fact there was no response from him defending me than I was with the crap she was saying about me. However, if I hadn’t looked, then I wouldn’t be feeling anything, so that’s all on me.
Any time she DOES come to OUR home, she treats me just as she did the first time she met me; like I’m non-existent. Funny how often my gut is right about her. Any and all conversations with her dad are all about frivolous and ridiculous topics: Youtube videos, what she got for free since she last saw him, movies she’s watched, etc. Never once have I heard her ask “So, how are YOU dad ? What’s new” ? nor has he told me of one time where’s she just called to say she loved him or to see how he is. There is ALWAYS a reason to call him, and it’s because she needs something from him, wants to vent about how her baby daddy is skipping out on support, or anything else that completely revolves around her.
A couple of months ago, I was given the opportunity that very few disrespected step-parents are given; the door opened for me to tell this self-righteous, self-absorbed little bitch exactly how I feel about her. After she had to be told, yet again, that sleep-overs are a thing of the past (unbelievably, we have lived together now for 17 months, and this is STILL an issue!) she connived her way into getting to come over on the Monday when my partner and I were working, so she could burn a c.d before she drove home. (Really ? Was that REALLY the reason she HAD to come over, or was it just so she could rub it in my face that she still has her daddy wrapped around her finger ??) He left work early, something I have a hard time getting him to do myself, so he could meet her at the house before I got home. Once I arrived, I saw them both sitting in the garage, and when I went in there to say hello, not only did she not turn around in the chair she was sitting in, she didn’t even acknowledge my presence……..game on, bitch. That was THE last time she was going to disrespect me, PARTICULARLY in my own home. (and guys, from now on, please know that when I say ‘MY’ home, I do not want you to think that I am insinuating that it is not my fiance’s home as well) Little did I realize that the greatest battle ahead of me was not going to be with her, but with her father defending her actions ! That resulted in 3 days of not speaking to one another, walking around on eggshells in our own home, and me close to calling off the engagement. Do you want to know what turned it all around and made things ‘okay’ between us again ? SB texting her dad asking what my problem is, him telling her that I feel that she disrespects me in my own home, and her saying that she just won’t come around then. THIS is what brought us to talking again; his daughter telling him that, so he just assumes that all is alright between him and I now. Little does he comprehend the hurt I still felt about being chosen over and him not possessing the emotional capacity to even TRY to understand how I am made to feel by his own flesh and blood. When he told me this , which was by text BTW, the FIRST response was an incredible ear to ear grin across my face as I thought “Hallelujah ! I won” ! At that point, it didn’t matter to me how it made my fiancé feel. I was done with fighting a losing battle, and this was the smartest thing to come out of her mouth since the day I met her. Remember how I said above, it’s funny how often my gut is right about her ? It wasn’t long before my gut started talking to me again, telling me that this was going to be short-lived, and as intuition would have it, I was right ! A week later, she contacts me by text, asking for me to tell her exactly how she ‘disrespects me’….so I did…..full barrels, no holds barred. And just as I anticipated, as she’s ridiculously predictable, she responded with nothing but excuses for her behaviour, but not once did she deny the actions, she simply displaced them. She suggested we get together, just the 2 of us, so we could talk things over, considering that I am going to be ‘marrying her dad one day’ and has luck would have it, our weekends were pretty booked for the next several weeks, so I couldn’t give her a date. Once our weekends had calmed down, I will be truthful in telling you that it took everything in me to be the adult and contact her, because let’s face it, my life had been drama and anxiety free for weeks now, and her dad had not even brought her name up in my presence. But, I knew I had to do this for him. I had to show him that I, once again, was being the better person where his daughter was concerned, despite her treatment of me in the past, or how much I wished things could just stay as they were…..so I text her. She responded saying that she had to work that weekend and had other plans, so it would have to be another time. As far as I’m concerned, the ball is now in her court. It’s been several weeks since that text, and if I’m lucky, I’ll never hear from her again, as she’ll have come to the conclusion that I did long ago; I don’t have to like you or have a relationship with you just because I am marrying her dad. Life doesn’t work that way. Relationships are earned by one’s own merits and contribution, like the relationship each of my kids has with my fiancé, due to the respect and love that exists between them. Individually, they are all fantastic, selfless and remarkable people. This holds true regarding how I feel about SB’s brother. My man knows that the same feelings are not held for his son as they are for his daughter. SB’s brother is a very kind, respectful, genuine and likeable soul. I’d welcome him in our home any day of the week……even for a sleep over !