Does DH think that skids will care for him in his old age?
This topic came up for DH and I this weekend.
We have an elderly neighbor who has several children but only 2 that communicate with him. His son lives an hr away and only visits once a year and his daughter lives in another state, visits once a year but gets monthly checks from dear old dad. He had to go to the ER so I took him, thought they'd keep him overnight but no, I get a call at 11 pm to pick him up. He was so sick and weak he could barely walk. I have his kids #'s so called them they were relieved to hear he's ok but no offer to help. I can't continue to play nursemaid, gotta work and pay the bills, so I asked a healthy cute 62 yr old lady I know if she'd like to make some $$$ helping out. She's been over there the last few days cooking for him, light cleaning and keeping him company.
I told DH that we'd better stay healthy because there's no guarantee that any of our kids will help us out when we need it. "ss26 will drop everything and help me if I need it" he said. This is the same ss26 who lives 10 mins away and who hasn't visited dad for the past 2 months. I've been really good about not saying anything about skids but due to lack of sleep from neighbors ER visit it just came out, "Oh really, how long has it been since you've even seen him?!" DH said nothing, scowled, glared and stomped off.
Yeah, I think he's screwed if his back up plan is skid help.
I am sure that DH has no
I am sure that DH has no illusions that his daughters will care for him. He has said so.
My plan is to get into assisted living when the time comes so that we will have the help we need.
My sons are in the area now, but one plans to move halfway across the country soon. The other one has told me, that if something happens to me, he'll check on his stepfather (as he knows the daughters are useless).
Your neighbor is a lucky man to have you nearby.
Glad you were able to find someone to help him out.
Glad your DH isn't
Glad your DH isn't delusional.
Regardless of what kind of
Regardless of what kind of dad he was the neighbors kids made sure that he made out his will and has his affairs in order. It's all going to be split between three of his children from his first wife even though he has 3 more from a second marriage. Out of state daughter from first marriage gets $$$ from Dad every month. They seem very keen on him having his affairs in order and whats in his account yet aren't there if he needs them. Yeah, I'm judging them. I hope he changes his mind and wills it all to wounded vets or something.
Yeah I might put a little
Yeah I might put a little seed thought in his head to leave everything to wounded veterans or some similar vet program }:)
I know his kids are busy, they have lives but the neighbor is in his late 70's and won't be here much longer if his health keeps declining. I'm trying to detach from the situation, hence having him hire the cute 62 yr old. Don't mind checking in on him but can't be the stand in for his kids.
No one should depend on their
No one should depend on their kids to provide "care" for them in their old age. Hopefully the kids will actually care about them. But very few people have a life of leisure where they can be full time caregivers.
Very few people actually need nursing homes or even assisted living. Independent living apartments with perhaps a few hours a week of a caregiver coming in.
I agree. That's why I was
I agree. That's why I was broaching the subject with DH. Luckily we have some time before we need to really worry about those issues. I was amazed at his answer that his youngest ss26 would drop everything for him...yeah right.
DH's sister does care for 80 yr old MIL almost everyday but she also exclusively drives the car that MIL pays for and is a signer on all MIL's accounts. SIL does not work a steady job right now so she's basically living off of MIL. It seems like a give and take situation that works for them.
It sounds like SIL has a job.
It sounds like SIL has a job. Caregiving is real work- even if SIL is only doing 10-15 hours a week at the going rate that adds up FAST! My father's sister needed paid help/driving/cooking and unskilled was $10-15hr. When she needed actual care it was closer to $20+hr and it was 40+ a week while my dad was at work. If it is working for them them that is great.
This is so sad, and sadly
This is so sad, and sadly common.
You are absolutely right. I think that due to the diluted parenting that often occurs post divorce and the currently popular style of permissive, helicopter parenting, we have generations of kids who feel zero obligation towards their parents. This site's Adult Skid forum is filled with posts about adult brats who are still being coddled and funded by their parents. Loyalty seems to be a rare commodity in the modern family.
A few years back, I stopped catering to the crazy and disengaged from my fundsucking OSD35. This resulted in BM turning up at my house to try to broker peace. Yup, a 35 y.o.'s mommy tried to get me to continue accepting abuse and to continue funneling money to her GU brat. I tried to present my position several different ways, and finally asked, "Do you believe that when DH & I are old, OSD will take care of us?" BM replied that she thought OSD might care for her father, but not for me. I told her she was right, and that it was unlikely OSD would care for her, DH, or me, so why would I want to waste anymore resources on selfish OSD? Blink, blink...Hope I gave her some food for thought.
Edited to add that DH backed me up during this conversation. It must have been a bitter pill, but he's acknowledged that his kids don't care about him.
Thank goodness you stopped
Thank goodness you stopped funding sd35. It sounds like you and DH need to save for retirement to take care of yourselves instead of supporting an (I'm assuming) able mind and bodied grown woman. Nope BM she's all yours, you support her. Ha Ha. Yay for DH backing you up. Once DH is done paying alimony in 5 years we'll be able to save for retirement.
My neighbors situation goes to show that there's no guarantee that kids will be there for you no matter how much $$$ you throw at them.
DH knows he can't count on
DH knows he can't count on his children but still holds out hope that they will change their minds...Good luck with those devils.
A.
My DH has recently gotten a
My DH has recently gotten a reality check. His two other adult children lives thousands of miles away, but they are the kind that would help him, and me, out.
Our Twit, on the other hand, would only do what she could to hasten him on his way so that she can grab whatever she can get before her other siblings showed up. There is no doubt that with our Twit, if she doesn't need it, doesn't want it she would take it anyway because she could sell it for a buck or two.
THANK HEAVEN she can't get to any of my things, the house, money, etc.; which I know she is hoping she can.
IMHO, DH was in denial about her, and at times still is (all hope springs eternal). It is hard, I guess, for any parent to realize that their offspring is looking forward to their demise to see what they can get.
Hopefully, we are going to be long gone from anywhere near her very shortly.
Hasten him on his way...
Hasten him on his way... that's just scary and likely true after her expecting the old man who died to leave her something. I hope you have an iron clad will to ward off the vultures.
ss30 is the same way, it's all about him and what he can get from dear old dad. Both of DH's sons have told me that this is "their" house. DH had was in the hospital for a heart scare last year and he was on the phone with ss30 but neither boys came up even though they are both in town. DH was put on low activity and rest for the next 2 weeks. ss30 comes a week after dh gets out of the hospital asking dh to help him move. Dh did, then the same week ss30 was downstairs screaming at DH. I was so angry at ss30, it felt like he was trying to hasten dh to the grave. I mention to DH that he should not help ss move, and that the yelling was not OK especially right after he gets out of the hosp. But in kicks the denial and I'm the bad guy for being concerned about how ss is treating dh.
Unbelievable. Just...wow.
Unbelievable. Just...wow.
"Hasten him on his way...
"Hasten him on his way... that's just scary and likely true after her expecting the old man who died to leave her something. I hope you have an iron clad will to ward off the vultures."
Yep, so true. I have that cretin's number and it does scare me. I certainly would not stand any where near a cliff, drop off etc. with her around because she would see opportunity.
As for your SS's asking their father to help him move and then yelling at him while he is recovering I have to say what the heck is wrong with these adults?
Yep, your DH is in denial if he allows this from his sons because, IMHO, if they act like that now, as you get even older it becomes elder abuse.
Trust me, I have no doubt
Trust me, I have no doubt about her hastening him on his was in his final days. She has gotten physical with me once already. I have trouble with my legs and once she did a hip swing that almost knocked me over. Luckily I grabbed the counter top and kept myself from totally falling.
After Twit did this to me she claimed, when I called her on it, that...get this....she didn't know what I was talking about, she never made contact, started to cry and bawl because now SHE was the victim! As I have said, she only pulls this type of stuff when no one is around to witness.
After that one I told DH about it and, well, he didn't know because he didn't see it (this was back about 4 years ago). I KNOW that abuse like that escalates - the hip swing to knock me over this time, something else next chance etc. That is one of the reasons she scares the begesus out of me.
I told DH I was afraid of Twit and he told me I had nothing to be afraid of, that Twit would never do anything to me. He just didn't get it back then.
Ha! My CH (current husband,
Ha! My CH (current husband, was widowed in 2008 from the first one, father of my children) has delusions of "The Waltons", and is CONVINCED that his 32 y/o "lost child", closet alcoholic and MIU (mentally ill & UNmedicated)son would "be there" for him in a heartbeat. *I* know he wouldn't spit on his dad if he were on fire.
But...nasty SS gets to be enabled and in denial about his co-occurring disorders (alcohol and paranoia), and , at times, put first before me. I'm a registered nurse in behavioral health and have my certification in addictions, but to my CH I couldn't POSSIBLY be correct about his precious son. :jawdrop: (where's the throw-up smiley???)
CH is a non-compliant diabetic who just lost a toe. He refuses to get more active because "it's too much work", and is also in denial about how easily he could lose everything and take me down with him (I have an iron-clad pre-nup...but guess what? Medicaid is federal and federal trumps state- which is what a pre-nup IS) if he doesn't get his shit together healthwise. Granted, he's much better NOW than when I met him, but still...
The other kids (40 y/o M, 26 y/o M, and 22 y/o F) are not a problem. I can't STAND Sonny-boy, though, and it makes his younger brother a little resentful, but nothing I can't handle) I even get along famously with his ex...we genuinely like each other.
My boys love CH, and HE hit the stepfather lottery...wish HIS kids were as easy. A lot of it is CH fault...he was a lousy father and husband when he was younger...and there is a lot of bitterness from his kids to their BP. *sigh*
The prodigal son will come to
The prodigal son will come to the rescue!!! Keep dreaming DH. I sure hope your DH gets his health together, that sounds pretty serious.
We tease the skids all the
We tease the skids all the time that they'd better build big houses with a walk out basement. Preferably on a golf course because we'll be coming to live with them in our old age.
Of course it's just a joke, I've stashed away a healthy amount for retirement. If anything it will be BM who they'll have to look after.
SD told me one day that BM said she'd never be able to retire and that she'd be working well into her 70s. I said it can't be that bad? She said BM had consulted with a financial advisor and that financially she was in a very bad spot.
Guess that's what happens when you spend every penny you make on rewarding yourself for working so hard instead of planning for the future.
Yeah, us too. We'll be fine
Yeah, us too. We'll be fine but it will be BM as well who has to be taken care of. The woman earned several college degrees while married to DH but ended up working on an assembly line not putting any of it to use. She's still on the alimony dole for a few more years and who knows how the poor helpless dear will live without DH's $$$. ss30 will just have to share whatever couch he's crashing on with her.
DH and BM had a company
DH and BM had a company building houses. She tells everyone she's a home builder, when in fact all she did was pick out the floor plans and take paper to the accountant. DH did all the work. She did do some interior designing on the homes (she has very good, if expensive taste) but doesn't have a degree in anything.
Seven or eight years after they'd split up when SS was about to turn 18 and she was going to lose CS, she became a realtor. She moved up north and has done pretty well but every year she gets into trouble at tax time. She always rewards herself for working, new car, new clothes, new furniture, so she doesn't have anything put away.
We are in oil country and with the barrel being so low, people aren't buying. They are staying where they are and hoping like hell they still have a job tomorrow.
DH and I have said many times we hope she does well and makes a million plus because then she can feel superior to us and won't come around us or the skids looking for someone to take care of her.
Good luck with that. Wouldn't
Good luck with that. Wouldn't it be nice if she was the skid cash cow instead of DH. She should learn to reward herself by tucking away enough $$$ to pay for taxes. Has she remarried?
Our BM did not remarry for 10+ years now because if she does she loses her monthly check from DH. She'll get a portion of his pension and be able to tap into his Social Security if she's not remarried. Funny that she has stayed single all these years just to drain DH. Dumb DH did not have a lawyer when they divorced, didn't want to pay for one. So instead he forked over more than half of everything and 15 years of future earnings to alimony. He thought she'd have been remarried by now is his excuse.
There's no alimony and DH is
There's no alimony and DH is self employed so no pension and I'm not sure what his old age pension will look like?
No she's not remarried but lives with a BF. A couple of years ago they split and she had to find a new place to live because she couldn't afford the apartment on her own. They got back together but I wonder if she's just with him for the money? SD doesn't like him at all and while SS doesn't say much I don't think he's a big fan of the guy either.
She has never paid for anything for the skids.
They both got scholarships for school but we still give them money to live on. We can afford it and neither of us want any of our kids to come out of school deep in debt. However, we don't give them anything over the 4 months of summer. They both get jobs. BM actually expected DH to keep giving them the money and that they would give it to her as rent when they lived with her!!!!! How crazy is that?? She said well if they were still living at school, you'd pay their rent so how is this different??
Instead of arguing that they are her children and she shouldn't be charging them rent, he just said nope, I wouldn't. They aren't in school or playing ball so they can get jobs.
What a wonderful experience!
What a wonderful experience! It is sad when a loving parent is ignored and left alone. I have conflicted feelings about my Mother. She is a narcissist. Sometimes it has been very challenging to deal with her demands and self-centeredness. Earlier this year it was hard to tell her that I could not leave my dying Sister's side to travel to where my Mother and Sister live to take care of their animals while my Mother was in the hospital with a non-threatening illness. I've found that sometimes our friends are more 'family' than our family. know what i mean?
I know exactly what you mean
I know exactly what you mean sandye. I have an on and off distant relationship with my own mother, father passed last year. My mother would love to have a relationship with me as long as the 1st 10 mins of our call consists of how horrible she thought I was as a teenager (almost 30 years ago), how horrible my father (40 years ago) was to her and how depressed she is. After putting up with it every single phone call for decades just to have a relationship with her, I put a kibosh on the verbal abuse and she rarely calls now. She doesn't know how to interact in a non abusive way so she just doesn't call at all. Works for me!
Thankfully your DH got to see
Thankfully your DH got to see how much they REALLY care, what a sad wake up call. I hope your DH is better now.