I dont' think we're going to make it
This is my first post. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.
My DH and I have been married 5 years. I have a SS that is 11. My husband and I have 2 daughters. My first daughter was born 4 years ago and passed away the day she was born. We knew the whole pregnancy that something was very wrong and towards mid-pregnancy the doctors finally figured out what and told us it was fatal. Carried her full-term and she passed away during labor.
Fast forward to now. There is a yearly walk that happens close to Oct. 15th which is Infant Loss Awareness Day. We have yet to be able to make the walk. This year I think we can finally go. My DH and I were having lunch last week and I bring it up and ask "Do you want to do the walk this year?". His response "Oh is that a Saturday. That's SS football, but I'm sure I can get out of it that day." Are you f*cking kidding me?? Now, my husband is about the most clueless man I have ever known. I'm not kidding. Most of the time his heart is in the right place. He's just completely clueless. So I don't know if he said it without thinking, but that was his first thought so clueless doesn't get you out of this one buddy. I literally stared at him in disbelief. I texted him later to tell him I have never been more disgusted with a human being in my life. And to not bother answering with a response because nothing will be good enough. Side note--he has to bring his SS to every-single-practice. Yes, even the ones that fall on his BM's weeks because she is completely and utterly useless. The Saturday that the walk falls on is actually HER Saturday. It's a game. Keep in mind there's like 8 games all season. This is ONE game. The kid is 11. It's not the damn NFL.
I've dealt with being the "2nd family" the last 5 years. Nothing new to me. I'm used to taking the backseat. I guess I was tired of fighting it. But the kids??!! And not just the kids, but our deceased daughter who we can't do anything else for except this walk! There's no dance recitals, no sporting events. He can't make one damn walk and miss a game?!
That's the closest I've come in the past 5 years to leaving. The kicker is there's nothing stopping me. I'm financially independent (I support our daughter 100%. I pull in twice what he does). I'm emotionally independent. God knows I have to be. It's like I really sat back that day and thought about our marriage and I'm like "What are you here for again?" I would be sad for our daughter but I don't think that's enough to stay.
I guess this post was a vent and to validate my feelings.
Thanks for reading. I've been following this site for years and finally got mad enough to post.
I also talk out loud in order
I also talk out loud in order to put my thoughts in order. My family understands that's how my brain works.
I'll repeat things that they've just said to solidify it in my mind. It used to upset them, "I just said that!" But now they know I need to say it again and are ok with it.
I think you should do the counselling to understand each other's love language.
I think for one, OP's still
I think for one, OP's still not over the loss (and I wouldn't be either--OP I'm really sorry about what you went through) and that the fact that his train of logic was:
1. Wait, let me check if I have anything important that day (translation: more important than this.)
2. I have to bring SS to the football game. Is that more important?
3. No, but I still have to figure out what to do about SS.
4. Why don't I word it in a way that makes my wife think that EVEN THOUGH I usually have to send SS to his games, I'm willing to make that SACRIFICE of having to find different arrangements in order to do this with her. This effectively makes her feel like SS's game is more important than this day that should mean so much to them.
Makes her more sensitive to his words, and she may be lashing out disproportionately to what he said (and the fact that she mentioned being the 2nd family in other contexts).
Alas, men are sometimes (mostly) dumb. Honestly, if he had worded it "Of course honey, let me make arrangements for the kids that day because I've been looking forward to being able to do this walk." I don't think she would have gotten upset. The way he worded it probably dredges up memories of her lost child having not been important, just like she may feel less important being the second family.
OP, I have to give you internet hugs because it's not easy to be where you are and to be feeling what you are feeling, but I would say forgive your air-headed husband. He probably has no clue why you're even upset. I would explain it to him and give him a chance to apologize for how he made you feel. I know at that moment, the rage makes you want to just get up and go, so you never have to open a still-not-healed wound like that again. I would like to see your husband be able to at least be given a chance to make it right, and maybe let him know how he needs to be a bit more sensitive about the topic when he talks about it.
You described it perfectly. I
You described it perfectly. I don't know if people Re going to believe me but I really do not "bother him" when it comes to my grief. Hell, I don't even cry in front of him anymore. But this was one request. Just one. He knows how important. I didn't think it was much to ask.
My youngest brother died when
My youngest brother died when he was 10mos old. I was 8. It has been 43 years since he passed. Neither my parents nor the rest of the family mark his death day though his birthday is often a day that we all recount his short life and how special of a toddler he was. He is always remembered, he is loved, but those that are living need to live. Grief is part of that but how each person deals with grief is different. My condolences on your loss but you cannot hold your DH to your standard of grief or to how you recognize your departed baby.
That you are shredding him for choosing an activity of life rather than joining your grief is an indication that you have much work to do in addressing your continuing grief over the child both you and your DH lost.
Don't punish your husband. He is hurting too. You owe him an apology IMHO. Maybe the two of you could go out to a nice dinner to celebrate the life of your departed baby. Rather than punish him for your grief that may be a better way to go.f
Don't beat yourself up about this. Grief takes time. If my memory serves it is a 2-4 year process to transition the cycle of grief after a loss.
Rags, I do respect your
Rags, I do respect your comment but some of it I disagree with. Just from my perspective. The walk i talked about is not a grief activity like you mentioned. I mean there's not 1,00 people wearing black and being somber. I know the coordinator and it's actually a day of life. To celebrate the life of our kids, no matter how short their life was. The life activity you mentioned you think he should choose instead is a football game. One of literally hundreds of sporting events he has/will attend. Soccer, baseball, football, band functions. Countless activities I never have asked him to miss except for 3 hours a year.
I guess one of my points are If I knew my marriage was just hanging on, and knew how important this walk was to my spouse, I wouldn't hesitate in saying "absolutely". He was there. He knows what I went thru. I know what he went thru too. If he needed emotional support I would not hesitate. There's back stories to this story I wouldn't have the time to write. But believe me when I say I went thru this grief alone. Physically and emotionally alone. I guess I just keep waiting for him to rectify that and it hasn't happened. And I guess that's my problem. I'm letting the last affect my now.
I'm very public about my daughter. I don't hide it. I have picture on my Facebook. In my opinion that was a problem in he past, that it was taboo to talk about a "dead baby". I can't tell you how many People that I've known all my life came up to me after and told me they had a loss. I had no clue. The walk is partly to cause awareness that it happens and it's ok to not treat us like we have the plague.
I myself think it will be a lot longer than 2-4 years for me. Not that's it's all grief. There's stages. Denial, anger, etc.. Maybe I'm in the anger stage. Lol! I have friends who have lost children years ago and are still going thru the stages. It's not just grief, it was somewhat traumatic for me. I mean, I had to call funeral homes while I was 8 months pregnant on my lunch break. Sometimes I don't know how I'm sane. And that's why I think I get upset when it comes to her. He knows all of this and chooses not to recognize it.
I hope I didn't sound like I'm bashing your opinion. I truly appreciate it. And you know you might be right! My opinions are emotionally driven by a very emotional event.
I think a lot of this is also
I think a lot of this is also resentment about how he didn't step up in the past and you keep trying to give him chances to prove himself but he keeps on disappointing you. So the more he disappoints you, the angrier you get, to the point where you don't know why you even bother staying with him.
You say he knows you went through this and, form what I'm glimpsing, he didn't offer you the support you needed. Why were you the one calling the funeral homes? Where was he when this was happening?
You keep giving him chances because you see something there, maybe you don't want to give up on your marriage because of your other daughter, but... something tells me he doesn't value you the way he should.
You know, if this was rags, he would be doing whatever he could to make sure his wife didn't feel alone through that time. He cherishes his bride (even though they've been married for a LONG time, he still calls her that) so unbelievably much. You have to decide for yourself how you want to proceed.
Have you tried, when you're not upset, sitting down and talking to your husband about how all of this makes you feel without attacking him? And how does he respond? Does he get mad and defensive? Does he just not understand and try to dismiss or explain it all away?
You know, even though it's not the same thing, with my recent MC, my husband was super supportive and listens when I talk about how I feel, even if he can't help, he's helping by not making me feel alone, although he can't obviously physically understand what I went through. And that counts for a lot. If your husband does this, I'd forgive him and also apologize for lashing out, but also make sure he knows why I did. If he doesn't... I don't know if you'd be able to live with this resentment--stress is one of the biggest factors in poor health as well.
Hugs.
*And I know what you mean by treated like the plague. If I talk about it (usually because people ask when we're having another kid and I have to explain for health reasons, we're waiting another few months before trying after the MC), an awkward silence suddenly comes about and people start grasping for words. I know people who haven't gone through it feel awkward about what to say, but I like to inform because it can happen to anyone, even the young and healthy, and I don't want others to feel alone if they've gone through it themselves.
I'm not Rags, but I wanted to
I'm not Rags, but I wanted to comment:
"I guess one of my points are If I knew my marriage was just hanging on, and knew how important this walk was to my spouse, I wouldn't hesitate in saying "absolutely". He was there. He knows what I went thru. I know what he went thru too. If he needed emotional support I would not hesitate. There's back stories to this story I wouldn't have the time to write. But believe me when I say I went thru this grief alone. Physically and emotionally alone. I guess I just keep waiting for him to rectify that and it hasn't happened. And I guess that's my problem. I'm letting the last affect my now."
But he wants to go with you! He just didn't say it perfectly.
I don't know your whole story, obviously. All I can see is what you've written, and I say this to try to help you: it seems like you're taking something out on him. Whether it's past disappointments or having expectations of him in the present day that are so high he can't possibly meet them, or a combination of both, I can't say.
You say your marriage is hanging on. So what's keeping you? Do you want things to be better? Is that why you stay? If so, then recognize your part in it. Your DH isn't perfect, and he doesn't do things exactly the same way you would. It sounds like you imagine how you'd support him under certain circumstances and then expect that exact thing from him or you consider it an insensitive failure. But he's not you. No man will ever be you.
I understand you've felt disappointed in the past. If your intention in staying is to hope things get better, you've got to work on forgiveness and clean slates. You've got to concentrate on the things he gets right and start believing in him. Perhaps your DH is truly an uncaring dunce, but I don't get that impression from you. Men respond to respect and they respond to an ability to make their women happy. In the present day, you seem to give him neither, which makes him less motivated to give to you and meet your needs. It's a vicious cycle that requires two people to participate in the downward spiral, and you can set things on a better foot just by changing the way you relate to him.
Have the two of you done any counseling? Read any books? I recommend checking out "the Five Love Languages" and "How One of You can Bring the Two of you Together"
I read somewhere that a
I read somewhere that a mother bonds with her baby as soon as she realizes she pregnant. For some that's the moment they find out, for others it's the first time they move.
Fathers don't bond until the baby is born. The bond is just as strong but moms start sooner.
I don't know if it's true or not but it would explain the abandonment you feel.
You were bonded to a child you knew was going to die and he never bonded at all. He loves you and I'm sure misses his daughter but he doesn't understand the depth of your pain?
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is like an ocean, waves come and overwhelm you. You hang on as best you can, just trying to keep from drowning. Time helps and the waves are less, sometimes you see them, sometimes you don't but they keep coming. His reaction is one of those waves, You just need to keep swimming.
First, I'm very sorry for
First, I'm very sorry for losing your baby girl. I can't even imagine.
Second, I think you're projecting some of your negative emotions onto your husband. I'm having a hard time understanding what was so egregious.
It sounds like he's a "talk first, think second" type of person, wheres you might do the opposite. I know it is this way with me and my SO - he's extroverted and blabbers without thinking, and I... don't.
Plus he agreed to go. He didn't say "Oh, I don't know babe, SS will need me at his game." He said "I'm sure I can get out of it." He understood your need and wanted to make you happy, he just didn't do it in the perfect mind-reading way that you preferred.
I've noticed a tendency with myself that when I'm really upset and anxious about something, I try to find fault in order to create emotional distance with the ones that I love. I don't know I'm doing it, but looking back, it's totally what I do. I think you're doing the same. You're hurting and experiencing some hard memories, and you're looking for a reason to create some space for yourself. It's really not fair to those on the receiving end.
I think you should consider if you're being over-sensitive and fault-finding. It's okay if you are, as long as you're able to admit it to yourself and resolve to do better. He wants to go with you and support you. Why not let him have that and allow him to be your rock? Let him back in.
^^^ That's me too... I hate
^^^
That's me too... I hate to admit it, but sometimes, since I know DH doesn't always think before he speaks, it sets him up to fail when I'm angry and I'm fully aware that I do this sometimes. I do apologize after, but he always apologizes too (only when it's truly my fault though because sometimes he just says the DUMBEST ABSOLUTELY WORST things in serious situations.)
Mine isn't so bad in
Mine isn't so bad in emotionally charged situations, but man is he ever an over-sharer about things I don't ever want to know about. I'm like "WHY would you ever think I'd want to know that?!"
I'd agree with your comment
I'd agree with your comment I'm probably looking for something. Like not2sure said, I think I just keep looking for actions to fix the past. We never went to therapy together. Therapist wanted us separate-weird. So he's never heard my perspective. We probably need to go because I am horrible when it comes to telling him how I feel. I tend to let it build and build and then it blows.
"We probably need to go
"We probably need to go because I am horrible when it comes to telling him how I feel. I tend to let it build and build and then it blows."
It's good that you recognize that about yourself! The ability to self-reflect is really important to making improvements in a relationship. It's so easy just to blame your partner or concentrate on their flaws and want to find someone better.
So now it's time to change that pattern. Let him in! Go to the walk! Hold his hand! Cry! Smile! Try and let it be a turnaround for the two of you.
Before you try couples counseling, I'd go by yourself. You seem to be looking to him to solve some very heavy issues, and he can't do that. No human can. And if you want your marriage to work, you're going to have to be able to really truly forgive the past and start fresh.
You were grieving and your husband was grieving. You didn't do it exactly the same way because you're different people. Men also have a great deal of pressure to problem solve and not acknowledge their own pain. They often have to create distance to accomplish this, because if they let themselves be too close when they were in pain, they would show weakness. Can you look back at all of your husband's "mistakes" and see if you can view them a little differently with that in mind?
I know that the grief of losing a child often tears a majority of couples apart. You two are hanging on, but hanging on is something. On top of that, you've got all the stepfamily drama. So the fact that you're together and not hating one another's guts is a pretty big accomplishment. Look at the positives.
And the fact that he wants to go the walk with you is also big. He loves you. Let him love you, in his own way. Find the courage to let go of all the pain and anger you're holding on to. I know it feels like that's not optional, but it is. You can decide not to live like that anymore and start changing some habits. None of it is easy, but I have faith that you can do it!
I'm replying to myself
I'm replying to myself because I thought of something else.
You asked him a question that was a loaded question. "Would you like to go on this walk" or "Do you want to do the walk this year?" was not a question. It was a "The walk is on Saturday. We haven't been able to make it in the past, and it would mean a lot to me if we could go this year. I'd like to share that with you. Will you be able to go?" You wanted him to mind-read those first few parts, though.
Be direct. No more loaded questions. If you want something or need something from him, practice being direct: "Honey, could you please take out the garbage for me?" or "Sweetie, I'd love it if you could fix that broken door handle this weekend."
Women are much more indirect in communication and it just doesn't translate. Own what you want, and state it. Show him exactly how to meet your needs and make you happy, and I bet you'll be surprised!
My SO is used to passive-aggressive female communicators. I can hardly get anything out of my mouth without him pausing, and trying to guess at whatever he thinks I want him to mind-read from me. Seriously. "Oh, this dish on the menu looks good." "... Oh. Well, if you want that, get that, and I'll get this instead, and blah blah blah." Um, I was just saying it looked good.
Or "Hey, what do you want to do tonight?" becomes ".... Um, what... what did you want to do? A movie? I suppose we could do that. Or dinner? Yeah, we could do dinner." And I'm like "DUDE, IT WAS JUST A QUESTION WITHOUT A SECRET MESSAGE."
Sorry for so many comments. I see similarities to things I've struggled with in the past. I'm not picking on you, just trying to offer up my past foibles in order to help!
I don't think you're picking
I don't think you're picking on me at all. You have very valid points.
You are right in that it was loaded question. I didn't realize I did that until you pointed it out. Now that I think of it, that's how some of my questions are where I think he's going to "piss me off". I act like my 3 year old testing his loyalty or something. How oareroc. I think part is I'm setting him up and part is I tend to be one of "those women" where I feel like if I tell him (nicely) I feel bossy. Where it ends up being the opposite. Instead of being direct, I set him up to fail and I turn into a bitch. Sorry for the language
I think I have work to do. I think we have work to do. The past might have to come out to fix that. He doesn't even know because we've never talked about it. Crazy huh? We are both horrible at communicating. I seriously have never seen a couple so bad at it. Lol! I don't say anything because I don't want to be the nag. He doesn't say anything because I'm sure he thinks by now that I'm a raging bitch.
Thanks for your perspective. It really helps.
Glad to help! Yes, your
Glad to help!
Yes, your current communication strategy isn't working. But that is totally fixable. 100% fixable. Let yourself have faith that things can get better, because they can.
Sit him down and say "Babe, I haven't been the best at helping you understand what I need from you. I expect you to read my mind, and then when you can't, I get mad. But then I don't even tell you that, and it all builds up and explodes. It's not fair to you and I'm going to try to do better. I'm sorry. From now on, I'm going to first figure out what I want and start just stating it to you. Like for the walk, I could have just told you that it would make me really happy to attend it together this year. Instead, I asked you a loaded question and expected you to mind-read and respond a certain way. So I'm going to try to be more direct and help you see how you can meet my needs without needing a decoder ring. And this conversation is my first attempt at it. ... How'd I do?"
You're right Echo. I never
You're right Echo. I never say what I really want to. It's horrible. It's horrible for a marriage. And I don't ask for much. Seriously I'm low maintenance, laid back, etc.. So if I just told him I want to do it, he wouldn't have a problem. But I never do. I actually asked him the other night if he regrets marrying me. I think if I was him I would. I'm not the same person. What happened 4 years ago changed me. And not for the better. it has made me stronger. But it made my marriage weaker. The more I type here the more I realize we need help.
Lordy now I'm crying! Lol!
Lordy now I'm crying! Lol! Thanks so much Echo. You are right about me not liking to be vulnerable. I seriously hate it. I don't know why I'm like that. I feel like I have to be the strong. To suck it up and move on. Even for work, I was back at 3 weeks after we buried her. Never missed a beat. It's like I hate burdening people with my stuff. Apparently except for anonymous women on a step talk forum. Lol!
Ladies, Thanks for your
Ladies,
Thanks for your comments. Some of you really made me see it differently. I think we have a long road ahead. We both have work to do. Both separate and together. I do think the past needs to come out though. He doesn't even know. He probably doesn't even remember this but we had alot of people in the delivery room when my daughter was born. We didn't know if she would be born alive and even if she was, we knew time was limited to hold her alive. When she was born the NICU team assessed her and said there was no heartbeat. Immediately his mom went crazy screaming in the room. He left my side to comfort her. I literally just laid there alone. Stuff like that needs to come out. I literally have been festering that 4 years.
I know some of you would disagree but for me to start clean, the ugly has to come out. I have a feeling it could get worse before it gets better. Has anyone experienced that? Having therapy drum up old feelings and it became worse?
"I know some of you would
"I know some of you would disagree but for me to start clean, the ugly has to come out."
Agree and disagree. It needs to come out, in that you need to face your feelings and let them out. And you need to tell someone, and I think that person should be your therapist.
Why? First, you have a great deal of anger stored up. Whatever comes out isn't going to be productive. He will be overwhelmed and it will be a disaster. Not because either of you are bad people, just that it's a lot of pain. You will be too emotional to directly tell him how he can help, and you will set him up to fail.
If you try to do this process with your DH, he's going to disappoint you. Not because he's a bad person or husband, just because it's waaaay too much. Secondly, if you want to start your marriage on a new foot, listing all the ways someone has let you down is not a winning strategy. He'll feel like he can never do anything right, so why bother? And I don't think that would be a crazy thought. He'd be right, in a way.
I do think, after some months of processing, if you still want to tell him, you should. But have it winnowed down to a clear message of the most important points, and only then should you talk to your husband. And instead of "and you left me ALONE to comfort your mother!!!" it will look like "and I felt alone when you didn't stay by my side. I understand you wanted to comfort her and her distress was the loudest, and you were trying to be a good guy. And I didn't know what I needed, and didn't express it well. So I understand why it happened but I've been holding onto some pain. And I'm telling you not to further punish you, but in the hopes you'll understand what I've been holding onto. I should have just talked about it earlier, but I couldn't. I know you love me and I know you're a good guy, and I love you so much."
And, might I gently suggest that the delivery room may have been another instance of severe pain being transferred from your grief onto his perceived failures in order to gain distance from him because intimacy of any kind was too painful at the time, what would you say? Losing a beloved child was so incredibly painful, and perhaps made you feel out of control. Concentrating on what DH gets wrong makes you feel in control. I think it was another way that you shut him out instead of turning to him.
Think about that. Are DH's perceived screw ups when other things in your life are bothering you? Are you experiencing anxiety, depression, grief, and he messes up and isn't who you need at that moment? I'd suggest that this isn't intentional, and is a combination of communication failures and shutting him out and/or being overcritical.
Get a professional to talk things through with, and, at home, start trying to notice what your DH gets right. Just try it. When he does something that makes you happy, tell him. Let him see you smile in response to him or something he does. In these small ways, you will build him up instead of tearing him down, which will give him the motivation to do better and the confidence that he can do better. Treat it like a science experiment and just give it a try. It won't hurt anything.
I think there are most certainly things he can do better, too. He's not perfect. But you're the one posting here, so I'm focusing on you.
Nope wasn't in the hospital.
Nope wasn't in the hospital. And it was four years- felt the need to correct since you emphasized FIVE years.
2011- Gave birth 1 1/2 months earlier
2012-gave birth one month earlier to daughter #2
2013-daughter #2 had a virus an hour before we were to leave
2014-out of state on business. No choice.
Opinions different from mine I can take. I can take constructive criticisms.
"Unless you were in the hospital, I would think it wasn't so important because you allowed 4 or 5 more important interruptions." - Now that pisses me off!! Lady you have no clue why I had to miss the last 4 walks but you're going to assume that the walk took a backseat, to what, a pedicure? Get for real. I don't pick and choose what years my daughter's memory is important.
^ I am nodding my head like
^ I am nodding my head like an idiot at my laptop as I read this.
Ok well I apologize for my
Ok well I apologize for my comment above. I rarely act like that. It just made me really upset. But I think now you see why. Intend to be overly sensitive. I know, not good. We both need help. Both as in my husband and I. Didn't want you to think you. Lol!
Ladies, thank you all for
Ladies, thank you all for your suggestions/comments. I'm not going to lie, I'm emotionally drained. I just don't talk about it often. I feel like my friends are tired of hearing about it. My family tends to worry so I try to hide it. And my husband, well that's my whole problem in itself. I will come back tomorrow and read if there are other comments. It's just hard reliving the past. Which I guess is an indication how therapy would be. I didn't want anyone to think I was ignoring them.
Thank you all so much. Goodnight ladies.
I have not lost a child and
I have not lost a child and can not imagine your pain. There were a few things that I wanted to comment on. First, I agree with the other posters, men process differently. That said, I do see how your DH'S response hurt you so badly.
This may not be the case but is it possible that you are angry? Especially since you tend to keep things then explode. (That is my nature as well ).
I'm not comparing situations but I had an aha moment a few years ago after my first DH died. Some people think grief is a stage process where you "complete" a stage and move on to the next. For me, it is a much more fluid process. It took me a long time to even verbalize my anger correctly. What I was most angry about was my DH. But how can you be angry at someone that died? It's a very hard thing to reconcile especially in our culture. I ended up one night destroying the memorial my family had put together for the service (i did save the pictures). Once I got that anger out (at DH for dying, ending my vision and dreams of our life together and for leaving my DD), I was able to forgive him. That was the beginning of healing my heart.
Therapy was very helpful. I have a thought about how your husband reacted in the delivery room. In the midst of your terrible loss that was completely out of his control, he responded to something he could do. I think he felt utterly powerless without any clue on what to do. So, he responded when something concrete occurred within his ability to control.
It sounds like a LOT of things have built up (you know how you can go off because they forgot to pick up their socks or put the toilet seat down? When really it's cumulative). I think counseling would be able to help you release things in a safe, non-judgmental environment.
My DD never joins me when I go to the cemetery. I used to go every week but now, I rarely go. Instead I have incorporated that bond and sacred space in my heart and daily life. Your walk sounds like an incredibly lovely way to memorialize your DD and her importance in your life. Tell DH that it is important to you and that you want him to be with you.
Wishing you peace.
To op. I have not had that
To op.
I have not had that type of grief. A little different in a big way.
But.. I wanted to share with you my mom. She lost her first baby. She cried every night for years... For how long I have no idea but I remember in high school and I was the baby of the family.
I asked her one night. She said I'm ok.
It was a nightmare labor and my sister died at 3 months old. My mom only talked about it once and it was all she could do to not fall apart" I could see the pain in her eyes.
So, hugs xxxxx to you.
I think sometimes men are air heads.
I think you should shake him a bit. Heart to heart talking.
Let him know how you feel. Maybe he will share things too. I think I would feel the same way. I'd be hurt. And then the grief would flood back.
I'd let him know this walk means the world to you. The BM needs to take SS to practice and he needs to be more supportive to your emotional needs.
I agree with Suemm44. Talk to
I agree with Suemm44. Talk to him again, men can be such morons especially with grief. Also, in my grief experience, sometimes its a type of denial and men are great at that. Seemingly men and women grieve in different ways. Now I don't know him so I am only guessing. He may find it too hard emotionally to attend the walk and the kid's game seems like an easier option. But then again, if he really is in tune with you emotionally he should make the effort for you, even if its hard for him. I gather that this walk is almost like a remembrance service for you, a way to acknowledge your child's life, short as it was. Explain how you feel (maybe you have) and ask him to have BM take the boy just this once. Its not a lot to ask. Many men prefer to shove pain and deep feelings down and do anything rather than talk or face their emotions or grief.