Advice Needed
I wasn't sure which forum to put this. My problem isn't with my step kids. I've known them for 4 years and we have worked out many kinks. My issue is with their mother.
When I first met my husband, he and his ex were in communication a lot. She texted or called him everyday to talk about the kids and just to talk. He was always running errands for her, giving her extra money, dropping in to fix a computer or whatever else help she needed. Mind you, she was (and still is) at this time. They were divorced 3 years when I arrived on the scene but the year before we met, he and his ex and started to date each other again for a few months. She met the boyfriend and my husband was dropped. His marriage broke up because she cheated on him and left him for a different guy.
We were engaged after a year of dating and had some serious talks about his ex. The situation had begun to escalate to uncomfortable territory for me. She was beginning to be resentful of my presence in his life, he wasn't at her beck and call, he wasn't giving her the money she had expected (if she bought something for the kids, NOT needed and for use at her house, he always paid half of it. she never had to give a heads up or explain why we had a receipt). Before we married, we both saw a counselor about the issues we were having and about his role and mine in how this was playing out. The counselor said my husband was co-dependent on his ex and that we needed to establish boundaries for our family.
During the years, we've established boundaries with her and have met a lot of anger and backlash. We've also made changes that hasn't made her happy. My husband gets to see them 3 days out of 7 (she asked for that extra day way back and he gave in) but we watched them 50/50. I was the one to watch them and I said no. I'll watch them our three days but no more, unless custody is 50/50 (this was done out of money, since that is what she wants the most. not out of not seeing the kids. she wanted me as a babysitter in the summer). She had a fit and said "when hell freezes over." The money was changed.We stopped giving her blank checks for her to spend on clothes. We began buying the clothes for our house and she was responsible for her house.
Communication has evolved to only emails, texts, and phone calls where I am included. This is because in the past, she would call with last minute things that had to be done right then (with our credit card involved most of the time). When he told her he needed to talk to me first, she yelled at him and said its his kids, not mine and that he can do what he wants with "his" money and if whatever last minute thing she has put together falls through because of us, she's gonna let the kids know it was their daddy's fault. These calls he has taken in the past has put us in several fights. If I'm on the bank account, it is my money too, no matter what she says or how guilty she makes you feel. After seeing a 2nd counselor, this person helped us craft our communication plan with her. Everything is out in the open and my husband is not pressured by her into making last minute decisions.
Yesterday, once again we didn't buy the correct school supplies and she went into another rage saying how can you buy such and such a thing, "don't you even know your own daughter?" That was followed by several texts saying how all the problems are my fault. I've been called controlling, a dictator, crazy, paranoid, a slug, and various other names by her and her boyfriend (who is just as mean as she is. I've got lots of rage texts from him as well).
During these years, I've resisted the urge to tell her off. Partly because it would do no good, it would only escalate her. And partly for the step kids. They hear her say bad things a lot about my husband and I. I don't want to stoop there. But all of it has taken a toll on me. I started seeing a therapist, 6 months ago because it was so stressing. I don't know what to do. We try to live our lives and be a family. We don't seek drama. We let her live her life and don't question it. we don't meddle in her life. But she (and her boyfriend and mother- who is like her daughter) are always butting into ours. If something goes wrong, no matter how small, we are put through the wringer.
Is anyone experiencing anything like this? I wrote above that it is the ex, but its also the ex, her boyfriend, and her mom. I don't know what to do. I'm hated by them all (thank God not by the kids though). My husband tells me to shrug it off but I can't. I honestly don't know how he put up with her (and her mom) for all the years they were together. She's manipulative and throws guilt around to make my husband respond to her. Any helpful advice or thoughts would be appreciative. Please keep negative opinions to yourself. I get beat up on enough. I'm here for help and a listening ear. Thanks.
If you take a look around
If you take a look around this site, most of the BM's we deal with have, some to a lesser degree, some to more, the kind of issues (although I am more tempted to say personality disorder) your BM has. Otherwise a good portion of us wouldn't be here.
What we found helpful are these steps:
1. You, as the stepparent, disengage--meaning you allow your husband to do everything and take care of everything and you ignore it all unless it directly affects you. Stop getting involved in the communication. Your husband should not have put you in the middle, "I have to ask my wife first" because you became the scapegoat. It gives the message that, "Oh I don't mind what you're asking but my wife does so she's the bad guy, not me."
2. People with the kind of issues your BM has needs a target, they need some sort of enemy, real or imagined, to fight against so they can be the "hero." It has to do with their fragile ego and warped sense of self. So they create drama to fulfill that particular need. As soon as both you and your husband realize this, you can take a step back and stop letting it affect you as much, and shrink down the pool of "enemies" they can have, and the things they can use against you. This doesn't mean give in to them (that would be the worst thing you can do--it reinforces that they were right all along and you giving in is an apology) this means stop responding to anything that isn't a direct issue with the kids needs: shelter, health, food, and any time you suspect abuse.
3. Sit down with your husband and figure out what is necessary and unnecessary contact and stick to it. Are phone calls necessary when texts would do? Are texts necessary when an email would do? The best possible situation for a high conflict BM might be limiting everything to email. She might try all sorts of things like withholding the kids until you guys give in, but the law is on your side and you should be smacking her in the face with the court order every time she violates it. Any sort of communication which is not necessary should be met with a flat, "Keep this about the kids" and if she does not, to hang up/ignore. I will tell you that she will up her reactions for a bit but you and your husband need to keep strong.
4. Give a mouse a cookie and it will ask for milk. No favors. Nothing. Heavily drawn boundaries ONLY. No contact unless it's about the welfare of the kids. And both you and your husband will have a learning period about what is considered the "welfare" of the children because she thinks everything she brings up can be disguised as about the children.
5.I am amazed your husband didn't just say, "Don't you ever speak about my wife that way again." My DH, early on in the relationship, when BM tried to bring me up in their conversation, said coldly, "I don't ever want to hear not2sure's name come from your mouth." and DH is a scary guy.
Your DH needs to step up to
Your DH needs to step up to handling this better. Sounds like he's trainable - he just needs a little more work.
There is NO reason for him to listen to her rage. Click - should be his automatic response when she starts her nonsense. As she is definitely high conflict he really, really should limit ALL communication to the written word. If she wants to send idiot emails filled with insults and profanity he will have it all in writing and could even get a RO against her for harassment.
There is no reason for him to EVER have any communication (other than 2 word sentences about drop off maybe) with BM's DH or her mother - or anyone else in her posse.
If you have zero interaction with any of the crazies then the only way you will know that they are calling you names is if your DH comes home and tells you. He needs to quit repeating her shit. He needs to stop listening to it also but that is not for you to monitor.
As for "last minute" decisions your DH should either just say no or give her a window of when he will give her the answer. And he should be doing that even if you did not exist. When any sales person tells me that I have to make a decision that second or the "deal" will go away I always walk even if it was something I was interested in. 9999 times out of 1000 it's a bad decision to say yes when pressured to do something NOW.
Please ask (tell, command) you DH not to talk to you about BM as it is upsetting. You both are giving her too much air time in your marriage. Forget about co-parenting. It does not work when one of the parties is crazy.
I suspect you are unable to
I suspect you are unable to just shrug it off because you are too involved in this all. I would discuss with your DH that it's up to him to manage her where you are not impacted / involved. He needs to learn how to do this. Good luck.
I would not put myself in a
I would not put myself in a situation where you have to talk to her. It sounds like your husband is really trying, maybe not 100% the way you would like, but he is having to deal with her too. Best wishes.
100% in your boat once. I no
100% in your boat once. I no longer am.
When BM got married, things escalated in my case, BM and her boyfriend began to unite in forces as he took over communications with DH, the abuse got worse, the stalking began, the screaming profanities at me and my husband during drops offs, trashing me to the kids, other friends and family of BM emailing DH calling him names if he wouldn't switch days as SHE demanded.
I have been through it all and I know the way you feel, like you love your DH, but BM is just not what you thought you would have to live with!
1st: I blocked her and her husband from my phone, then I called the police every time she stalked me, screamed profanities in my driveway, broke into my house, and dug through my mailbox and stole my mail, I took screen shots of all the nasty things she told her kids about me on their phones and I screen shot all the "I miss you" texts she sent to DH, I recorded a spread sheet of all the phone bills and emails showing she called/texted and emailed more than 4 times a day with DH, and informed him that BM was looking for an emotional affair and he is the target and I won't be involved with a man who is involved with his ex.
In the end the police got involved, and RO was filed a CO no contact was ordered. BM communicated via e-mail only now. Its the law, she is not allowed to step foot on my property.
Crazy is, what crazy allows.
The more you let BM in, the more control she has of YOUR life.
SHUT HER DOWN AND OUT.
The kids don't need BM talking to DH everyday, I have 2 kids with my ex, we talk, via email only, maybe at most once a month, and we have 50/50.
There is no need to chat it up so much.