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Involment of step child's birthday celebrations

Lisa-d's picture

Hi there, just thought I'd post this for some advice..... I've been in a relationship with my partner for 2yrs, we have discussed marriage ect so it's serious, last year I was not asked to attend his kids birthday which hurt a lot and I let him know that, he said it was due to the fact I had not met his ex and he did not want the day to be awkward, so I let it go. This year however I still have not met his ex, and the birthday is less than a week away, again I have not been asked. This year I'm not happy about it at all, his ex and their son go out for dinner and then celebrate the birthday on the weekend, my thoughts are I'm in it for everything or not at all. I'm here to be a valued family member, I have a great relationship with his son and I'm sure everyone can get along just fine, am I being unreasonable? Thanks

notasm3's picture

He doesn't want you to meet the ex because he is still going out on "dates" with her.

No way that he and BM should be functioning as a couple. While you are just relegated to being a little piece on the side.

Lisa-d's picture

Yea, he says he is just doing it for his son..... I always imagined that if they would do a birthday dinner I would be going too. Very sad.

Last In Line's picture

If they are going to have family events together, then you should be included--after 2 years you should qualify as family. If he won't take that step, I'd question if you are in the right relationship.

Lisa-d's picture

So do you think I should say, I'm either involved or that's it for us? Before the event or just wait and see if I do get a late invite? I'm just a bit wary about hurting him at the mo as his father is very ill.

notasm3's picture

I don't believe in ultimatums. But I do believe in paying attention to how a person treats you. When a guy is blatantly ignoring your welfare and feelings - it's pretty useless to give an ultimatum. But it usually does mean that it's time to move on.

If you have to utter the threat "if you don't stop doing ABC, I'll leave" because the guy just keeps doing ABC - it's pretty much time to just leave.

Last In Line's picture

That is up to you. How important is it to you? Why are you excluded? If you married him would you continue to be excluded from the birthday celebrations? Are you OK with them playing family every now and then (which is what it looks like to outsiders)?

If it was me, I might let it slide, one last time, but I'd probably also be so bitchy about it afterward that it would either never happen again or he would choose to end the relationship. I wouldn't stand for being excluded while he hung out with someone he used to screw.

Lisa-d's picture

I think it's pretty important to me, no idea why I'd be excluded... Have thought and thought on that one, he says because Ive never met her before and he does not want awkward tension at his sons party - I'm not like that. I probably wouldn't marry him until things were right. I'm not ok with them playing happy families without me involved, I should be part of it all after 2yrs.

MamaDuck's picture

I agree with your SO on this one. The kids' birthday party is the worst time and place to meet BM and ALL the family.

With that said, you REALLY would like to be included, he has told you why you shouldn't be there... so ask to meet BM!

Although, with the kids birthday not that far off, perhaps you guys can work to meeting and forming relationship with BM before the next birthday ???

There seems to be a lot you and your SO need to work out; how often do they play 'happy families'? WHY have you not met BM (usually I would warn ALL potential SM's "DO. NO! Open that can of worms!", if your SO's description of BM sounds even the slightest bit batshit crazy, STAY away from her, but then, your SO should also be staying away from her and have his own celebrations.) Be prepared for the fact that BM may NEVER see you as an important part of SS's life. But yeah, demand to know what your SM role will be if you guys get married.

IslandGal's picture

I went through this with SO when we first started dating. First year, SD turned 11 and they celebrated with a party at BM and her new partner's house. SO was invited and he entertained and did the BBQ. I was told that he was going whether I wanted to attend, or not. I didn't go, as I didn't know anyone and felt out of place.

We ended up going to counselling, as I realised I was dealing with a disney dad and a mini-wife and I needed to understand this new situation. The Counsellor had 17 years experience of working with blended families, and told us this.

Relationships are like an onion. Onions are made of layers and a core. When the core of an onion is rotten, it gets thrown away. Layers could get rotten, but the onion could still be used. The two main people in the relatinship sit in the core of the onion. Layers of the onion signfied boundaries. The first layer closest to the core represented the skids. 2nd layer - immediate relatives (grandparents), 3rd layer - rest of the family, 4th layer - friends, acquaintances and so on and so forth. Trouble brews when one layer tries to cross into the other layer or try to cross into the core.

Counsellor explained to SO that he was keeping SD, BM and himself in the core of the relationsip while pushing me out. An example of this, was used by the birthday party. He had successfully pushed me out by allowing BM and SD to continue to plan their birthday parties as though he were still single. This would have continued to work, had he not entered into a new relationship.

He had to instil boundaries which had to be respected by all. He had accepted BM's new lesbian lover and with this acceptance, allowed the kids to adapt to the change and accept her in their lives. BM needed to do the same thing - by accepting the fact that HE was now in a relationship and get her kids to adapt to it. She did not. She continued to want to control him and taught SD to do the same.

If he wanted his relationship with me to succeed, he needed to separate skids parties/functions and live his life as a divorced man. There would have been no need for this if SO and BM were amicable - but they were not. He needed to show SD and BM that they no longer had any say in his life and he had to act accordingly.

The following year, they tried to do the same thing. Party at BM's without me. This time, SO said no. He told them we would take SD out to celebrate on our time. Of course, this caused dramas with both BM and SD, but we don't allow that to affect us any more.

Your man needs to let his ex know that YOU are his future and he will support you. You don't even have to meet his ex wife - no reason to. However, if he doesn't involve you with his Son's birthdays...then I'd be questioning him as to whether or not he is serious about you.

If he contiues to allow BM and skids to rule his life..then he shouldn't be in any relationship in the first place.

CupAjoe's picture

I had to meet SO's ex and SO had to meet my ex when we started hanging around the kids together.( Ironically, neither of our exes had the same courtesy for us with their bf/gf's) after that, everything has pretty much been together. We got to each others kids' stuff, if an ex is there we make nice despite it being uncomfortable sometimes and that's it. If he's not doing that knowing how you feel about it he's hiding something whether it's 1)her being crazy and he doesn't want to scare you away, 2)he's not been honest about his relationship with you to her 3) he's not been honest about his relationship with her to you.. or some other secret. 2 years in this should not be an issue, if it is there's something else going on there.