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Silent SD Creates Issue...

Cover1W's picture

I have a pretty darn good relationship with SD9.
We were all (DP, Me and SD11 & SD9) recently out of town on a trip. SD9 was sick (flu) the first couple days and seemed to spring back a bit but was very, very clingy and needy the rest of the time and pickier than normal with food. ALL of us, DP, me, SD11 were going nuts with SD9 moping around and only shrugging her shoulders when asked questions (a bad habit I don't let her get away with as it drives me nuts but DP overlooks it...until you'll see below...). DP was just as frustrated even though he wasn't really helping her as much as I was (making sure she ate, drank fluids, got dressed, interacted with the rest of the kids...but you know, that doesn't count. Argh.)

So we get back and both SDs have a regular Dr. checkup that BM takes them to the next day. SD9 has a fever of 102 by then (no fever detected when she was with us). Dr. says flu. Friday BM is sufficiently worried enough to take her back where they again give her clean bill of health (just rest and fluids...I don't like this Dr. and have told DP such). BM goes BACK to an emergency clinic on Sunday with her where she demands chest x-rays...lo an behold it's now pneumonia.
DP kind of freaks out and has a major guilt trip. I try to calm him down, if she was really bad she'd be in the hospital - she's now on the correct medication and we know what the issue is, it wasn't pneumonia when she was with us, just the flu. I felt bad too, for not knowing she felt so bad at the cabin - BUT we asked her many times with specific questions how she was feeling (overall icky? tired? tummy hurt? head hurt? etc.) that was met with shrugs.

BUT if she had told us she wasn't feeling well, in any even minor way, we would have been on it. DP said he KNEW she wasn't well. And that he resented ME for talking with him about how she should be playing with the other kids and not hanging all over him. This was a total surprise. All I could say was that neither of us knew she was sick, that she didn't have pneumonia when she was with us (secondary later infection), and we were both frustrated. I added that if I had known she wasn't feeling good I would have had her back in that bed. He seemed to accept this answer and I just let it go. Hindsight = 20/20 vision.

So DP and I have agreed to work with SD9 and her ability to 1) tell us how she is feeling both mentally & physically, likely this inability comes from BM side as DP suggests 2) tell us what her opinion/need is when asked 3) ask questions unprompted and appropriately when necessary.
She needs to learn this as I don't think she's ever had the language to do so. She's treated as the baby of the family and catered to a little bit as far as needs go.

Have any of you had to work with SKs to freaking TALK about what's going on so the adults know? How did you go about it?

I've found some success in not accepting her shoulder shrugs most of the time, for example; warn her that if she can't choose between the blue paper or the pink paper and I get a shrug, I'll choose what I want (and that can spur her into a decision) or we'll just not get any paper. I'm hoping that school this coming year will help. She'll have a really good teacher that will not accept shrugs for answers...and if DP can stick with it too...

Cover1W's picture

I know! The problem with this trip was we were visiting his family and he was very involved in catching up with them. I also found myself asked all the 'mother' questions and helping with the ladies that were there...I did refuse to do some things, which garnered me some cross-eyed looks from the women, so I didn't do all of it. SD9 was responding better to me than to anyone so I stepped in. When we were traveling alone though, I was OUT of it.

Yep, I learned my lesson again. Completely agree. Agh. This is why I come here! I'll leave it at what DP and I discussed and NO MORE from me at this point.

And I had almost nothing to do with SD11 the entire time. Just made sure she knew where the bread and cheese were.

Cover1W's picture

I actually think she was sick - she was actively throwing up almost a whole day...guess who was there for that as we needed ladies rest-rooms...I think she was feeling pretty gross.

Good reminder to ignore shrugs. No answer just walk away...