$475 shocks and phone for SS birthday....?
I am new at this. I met my boyfriend in 2013. Hands down it was the best day of my life. I do not regret the decision to be with him other than the fact of the overwhelming feeling I get everyday when I have to deal with the bond between my boyfriend and SS. Don't get me wrong he is a good kid, and my boyfriend is an awesome dad; but I feel that my boyfriend has coddled him so much that as SS is getting older he is still dependent on dad. SS is going to be 12 on Thursday and my boyfriend is planning on buying him $475 shocks for his atv. and getting him his own cell phone on our plan. I couldn't disagree with this option anymore because anytime you ask him to do any chores he rolls his eyes and makes a scene of not wanting to do it. (It was my golden birthday last year and was taken to a beer tasting {I don't drink beer} and ended up having to drive home & got nothing {just a card} does that make me selfish? maybe. but do I feel it was disrespectful? absolutely!) I was raised to you have to work for what you want and not get everything handed to you. Anytime we do anything together or make and plans its always well SS wants to do this or SS wants to do that. What ever happened to what I want to do? especially when I work every other weekend and they get every weekend off? I spent my entire day yesterday painting SS bedroom and he complained and asked me why he had to do the 12 dishes that were on the counter. Are you kidding me? I honestly came to this site because as a person of a big family who has never experienced divorces in my lifetime to come into the life of being a step parent and not knowing what to do, I don't have anyone to talk to about it because all of my friends are in relationships but with no kids. Am I wrong for being upset with boyfriend for amount of money spent for a birthday? I love my boyfriend very much, i always rush home to see him but i also feel because of the ridiculous amount of attention SS gets, my heart wanders and wants to be somewhere else for awhile.
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Personally, I think $475 plus
Personally, I think $475 plus a cell phone is too much to spend on anyone for a birthday.
For your boyfriends B Day, take him to a Chippendales show and have him be the DD. Make sure to get him a card though.
Best to leave now. I can
Best to leave now. I can guarantee you that it will NEVER change. It will only get worse.
RUN! RUN! RUN! Your
RUN! RUN! RUN!
Your boyfriend is not going to change.
If you ever meet someone with kids again you need to check their parenting style to make sure it matches your expectations.
I met my DP 2 years ago (we
I met my DP 2 years ago (we are now engaged...to marry sometime...in over a year...).
Had similar problems with his 2 SDs, then 7 and 9.
1) Unless you are married or sharing a home, AND your partner requests, encourages and discusses money with you there's nothing, nada, you can do about what he spends on skids. If he chooses to be selfish and take a non-beer drinker to a beer-fest for a birthday gift, that's something for you to think about and not relevant to gifts for skids. Don't compare you to them - you are not and will not be equals. Do not pay for anything skid related unless you WANT to. I learned this the hard way. It will not be appreciated and the things you participate in purchasing will not be appreciated and you may not be thanked.
2) Unless your partner wholly supports you in the "chores" area and getting skids to help you are out of luck. I have this problem and it is not really changing. They SDs get clean up requests primarily from DP alone, not me (unless DP is not there or it's completely over-the top and is out of line with anything I can deal with like not flushing a toilet or leaving dirty dishes spilling contents all over the counter and SDs no where to be found). You don't clean up after them and you don't complain. Just leave it. You will find what you can live with and what you can't. Discuss the results with your partner. If he refuses to help then you need to think about that, not what your skid doesn't do.
3) Skids get too much of a say in activities? Then don't participate. You have other things to do. Vacations only w/skid? Propose a little get away by yourselves and see what happens. We had SD meltdowns last year because of this (i.e. SDs didn't want us to go away anywhere without them) and it opened DPs eyes. If your partner doesn't want to do things without skid, then think about that.
You may have to give your partner some time to come around. Mine took about a year and with at least 6-8 months of me disengaging (with fits and starts sometimes) to step up. He's not perfect now, but we can have good conversations about SDs, our household, wants/needs without anger or frustration most of the time. If he refuses to listen, to help you, to see your side of it then you've got some thinking to do.
we live together fully and he
we live together fully and he discusses all finances with me. We just bought a new house. its just the fact that he wants to spend $500 on suspension and then a new cell phone let alone the cost of the plan increase all year long. plus going on a vacation for his birthday and having a separate birthday party at our house, now just talking about getting him a mini bike. I just find it to be too much! Yet he was just telling me a few hours ago that he doesn't know where all of his money went since we closed on our house. I feel financially he needs to make better decisions than a Pricey extravagant birthday.
Yes, and you have to let him
Yes, and you have to let him make those decisions if it's not also your money. You and he can talk till forever and he will ask your opinion and then not like it. Then he will runout of money and you will not bail him out. My DP and I have separate finances but for one joint account for house expenses only. It's up to him whether he wants to buy SD11 a $300 mixer or buy a trampoline. He knows how I feel but ultimately I cannot stop him no more than he can stop me from buying new curtains because I want them.
Eventually he may start listening and thinking...we still have no mixer or trampoline.
Ya know, I had to read this
Ya know, I had to read this through twice. At first I was like meh.. if new shocks and a phone are not going to break your BF bank, then who cares what he gets his son for his birthday?
The part that bothers me is that you were given nothing for your birthday, not that money matters.. it's the THOUGHT that matters and you were taken beer tasting, when you don't even drink beer??? you are put in the backseat if SS wants to ride shotgun and I don't see any of this changing without you saying something and then becoming the evil, hate monger, jealous of skid person.
Does SS live with your BF? Is there a BM in the picture?
he lives with us pretty much
he lives with us pretty much full time except tuesday and friday nights. I actually look forward to those nights and don't mind if I work till 10:30 the other nights because i don't want to deal with it. and birth mom is crazy. I literally could type to you about her till my fingers bleed and you needing glasses from reading so much! Put it this way I don't speak to her at all since she called the cops on me over a 10 o'clock bedtime....
Unless your boyfriend starts
Unless your boyfriend starts acting like a parent instead of a buddy, this will not change.
Mosey on over to the adult stepchildren forum. It NEVER ends.
Ok, guess I'm the one who is
Ok, guess I'm the one who is going to ask. Why did you agree to go to a beer tasting for last years birthday 'present' n celebration if you don't drink beer? And to still harbor resentment towards an 11yr child over it a year later?
You make it a point to tell us SS is a good kid and BF is an 'awesome' father, then the entirety of your remaining post goes on to tell us examples of a lazy entitled turd SS is and poor parental skills you believe BF exhibits. After two years, what do you think is going to change now merely because kid is turning twelve?
" I love my boyfriend very much, i always rush home to see him but i also feel because of the ridiculous amount of attention SS gets, my heart wanders and wants to be somewhere else for awhile."
Listen to your head n heart, it's indicating you've settled too way and there's more life out there for you to explore and experience. You don't have to settle. You want better. You deserve better. Your BF is where and how he wants to be and you're not going to change that no matter how many internet SMs take up agreeing with you that BF needs to do things differently. He doesn't have the desire nor inclination to worry about what you need or how you feel about things. He's been telling you who he is now for two years. Listen to him. You can't change someone who doesn't see a problem or have any desire to fix what he doesn't view as broken.
Okay to clear up some
Okay to clear up some questions,
1) I was told that it was a wine tasting, but i guess if you consider one table of wine out of 30 tables of Beer then shame on me.
2) it is obvious that he loves his son, which is fine, I would expect anyone too, my point is that I just feel he goes above and beyond for him and does everything for him which in turn is essentially creating a monster and SS having unrealistic life expectancies that I am going to have to deal with and hear about for my life time.
SS does a have a good place in him. He is very nice and caring, its just when it comes to their relationship together I feel that it is a problem. My boyfriend has told me that he has created his own worst enemy, but still continues to spoil him. Not as bad as when I first met him. But what makes him awesome is he does love his child very much and values time with his family.
I am not here to trash my boyfriend and I have had no way expressed that i hate my SS. I honestly just want to be able to communicate to other step parents who understand what I feel. Like I said, I have no one close to me who has been in this kind of situation and none of my friends are either. I just want advice on how others have dealt with these kind of situations, what works, what doesn't work.
I hear you! I have a great SO
I hear you! I have a great SO with the exception that he baby's SS 15 way too much, he's a really great man.I feel the same way, this skid will not learn that life is not as easy as daddy doing everything for him. I try to ignore it but sometimes it just burns me up because I know it won't change and I need to make a choice.