New and NEED to VENT...
Little back ground, which could take a year to type LOL, so I will condense to a summary.
Been married to a wonderful, brain dead man for 14 years (been together 16 yrs)he has been married 2 times before me. First one, no kids, second one 2 kids. Long story short, he signed up for military and then they married after dating 6 months. They had two kids and where shuffled around (military life). She decides she is not happy alone, cheats twice while he is out takes kids, moves back to her home town half way across the states with the cheater... He gets back in to a empty house, he tries to get counseling and work things out, she refuses and has her lawyers draw up the paperwork for divorce. Marriage lasted not even 6 years. Because she worked at a law firm she had her friends draw up the paperwork, which benefited her. She got child care (which she dropped as soon as the divorce was legal because her Mom did it for free because she wanted time with the kids) She got him to pay for her credit cards and then regular support. She fared very well off his little checks. Visitation was set for whenever he could get time off and drive or fly back to see them (but on paper it was every other weekend, every other holiday and a week in the summer). Visitation consisted of him going to her Moms house to see the kids and stay with them there where she could still be a part of the family visit. (keep in mind she is with the cheater, planning to marry him now)
Now fast forward to two years later when (she is married) he meets me...
He is still seeing the kids this way the whole time we are dating, but I was not part of their lives. I also have 3 kids. I kept my guard up and was very hesitant about marrying someone with kids because of the issues that I knew could **would** happen. But my kids and I loved him, so after two years, we decided to marry... That is when all HELL broke loose!
Got married and then low and behold, she was devastated. She went freaking nuts calling him everyday, emailing him daily. Crying, telling him that she had made a mistake. This goes on for months.. Until I called and left her husband a message. She promptly called my husband to tell him to tell me that it will stop. **Which it did not** It just escalated to his visitations with them always had to be with her. Any and all calls and emails had to be when he was not around me, while he was at work or when he was on his way there to see them. I almost lost my mind as this continued for 2 years.
Fast track to our 3 rd Christmas, she stepped up her game and decided it was time she got him to come back to her by arranging a special Christmas for them at her Moms house. Yes, she was still married. Her and her Mom, plotted, arranged, whatever you want to call people who do things in secret without a wife's knowledge. But the plan was ruined when the SS 6yr old called Christmas morning to talk to DH and I could hear the conversation. SS; Granny needs to talk to you about where she is picking you up tomorrow.... Almost caused a divorce....
Throw in the usual BM drama of teaching the kids, "you don't have to like her, you don't have to eat her food, you don't have to talk if she answers the phone, you don't have to obey her only your Dad..... Yeah we are talking years of crazy stupid drama and sanity lost.... "DH why do you have to sleep with **Stepmom** are you going to bring the new car when you come home.... Years of crazy...
Now fast forward to the wedding of the eldest child, 21 now, to a 31 yr old woman...... Just happened 7 weeks ago... A preacher who did not know me, had not ever spoke with me, at a rehearsal, starts preaching, staring (more like glaring at me) tells me I have no business being at a christian wedding. Decides he needs to counsel my husband and I about how I should be raising my children and that I am a problem and should not be at this wedding. I almost hit this man... A man that SS has told me is addicted to porn and the whole congregation is praying for daily, but wants to tell someone he does not know, how she is not christian and does not need to be at the wedding that is a HOLY ceremony... Oh and yes, he said that the Bride and groom knew what he was doing and had already given their consent.... There is so much more... More drama, more hurt... But I am a EVIL wicked person because I married a man, have stood by him, even after 14 yrs of him bowing to this BM from HELL.... But in short now one of the spawns is coming to live with us because he has no where else to go because his more and father attacked him for not cutting the grass, so they pulled a gun on him and he is scared to go back to them, but he also hates me and wants his parents back together...
Step parents will NEVER be seen as anything other than a problem, I have accepted this... But,,,, I am walking away from the drama... Not leaving my husband, but will not allow this hate to fester into my life anymore. They can either be respectful or leave.. I can't do this anymore. I almost let myself become the dark mass you see in a corner... Never ever again!!!!! Thanks for listening to me rant, vent, rage, I soooooo needed this.. By the way, I feel for all of you, I know this dark, gloomy world we live in... But you too can be free... Just let it all go and focus on you, not them.. Demand your respect.. Or walk away because it wont change.. Best wishes to you all.... <3
It's so sad that we have to
It's so sad that we have to distant ourselves from the skids enable to keep peace and safety for our family.
DH just said yesterday he doesn't have children...may be when they are 50 then they will come around, which is 25 years from now and he has twin boy n girl.
A.
I disagree. It is not sad to
I disagree. It is not sad to distance oneself from assholes. Not every one has to distance themselves from all skids - just the skids that are obnoxious piles of shit.
I agree that its not sad when
I agree that its not sad when you have bad situations like these, but its sad that kids are taught to behave this way. I think that No matter who your father or mother chooses to marry that you should respect that parent enough to not hurt them by being a ass. In the long run, that is really what happens. You hurt step and then it causes a split. If you ask a person to decide between the person you fell in love with and a child, it will end up hurting everyone in the end. Even if the child wont admit they are doing it, by making the parent choose it severely hurts the relationship on both sides.
I have tried, and tried for
I have tried, and tried for years, seen counselors and literally lost my mind.. But not anymore. There is no more secret emails, no more private texts, no more having to meet on certain days when both step parents are not present. Taking photos of meetings and posting them on FB so others can see "how happy DH is when he is around ex" The boundaries were never set because he would not have been able to see the kids. I did not want him to lose that connection. But now, years later, I am regretting that. If only we had a window into the future some choices would be changed.
I would not change loving my husband. I would however change that I had to deal with the ex monster and evil SS who are now even better at manipulating him. I will be changing me, back to the person I was before all of this... I have gained 50 lbs in 16 years (time to shed) LOL I have lost my sense of fun (time to find some hobbies) and now to get on my two feet and be the once before strong single parent I was before this. I will not leave my DH but I will be in a position that, NO ONE can walk on me. No one can hurt me, and No one will be able to knock me back down this low.
I hope everyone finds the strength to push through the issues, or walk away when needed. There is strength even after the storm!!!! Keep strong my new friends, keep strong!
I think that's great! You are
I think that's great! You are inspiring.
I am working on doing the same, after our "adult" SD decided she was no longer part of our family. There were, quite seriously, no good reasons at all. Her hateful mother had warned us in a letter when SD was only 5 that she'd turn her against us as soon as she was old enough. I was having some difficulty detaching from the situation because my own bio kids were also quite hurt by it, and my mother in law is buddy buddy on Facebook with the nasty bio. But after a year or so I am working on some things, I decided to disable Facebook and work on some of my own personal goals in place of hurting over what she did to us. Slow process. I still have a lot of resentment toward some people.
I don't think there is any
I don't think there is any amount of hobbies or self work we can do to get over the hurt these people put us through. I think it is more or less a process within ourselves to let it all go to a different place in our minds, never forgetting, but keeping the hurt away so that we can be ok with us..
I really hope that my story helps others. It is a constant work and now even more so because one of the SS is here in our home and is bringing in the drama from the BM. I have to remind myself, hourly, that no one controls my feelings, no one can take my DH away and no one will ever take care of me and respect me, like I would do for me. The only sound advise I can give anyone, is to treat each problem, each situation like it was just a fly on the wall.. Kill it, let it go or just accept it is there. Find your own peace, your way and in all the time you need.
Remember, smile, it annoys the crap out of them when they can't figure out what you are thinking LOL
Yes, work through those
Yes, work through those issues and disengage. You can see many, many good examples of disengagement on this site. Personally, I see disengagement occuring at different levels depending on the situation, and not an either or thing. But, I think if any case may call for disengagement on a level 9 or 10, it is probably yours. There is you and hubby and then there is hubby and his family issues. No more you and hubby's family issues. Thought the comment you made re: "Now fast forward to the wedding of the eldest child, 21 now, to a 31 yr old woman.... A preacher who did not know me, had not ever spoke with me, at a rehearsal, starts preaching...." You are not alone there. I think wedding officiates are at the core of some of these weddings from step-hell issues too. Between them, BM and stepkids all running around trying to pretend like the divorce never happened and DH and BM are still married, stepmom doesn't stand a chance half the time. It takes a strong DH to take those three prongs of pitchfork on. (P.S. I'll have to say a penance later.) }:)
You got this one straight on.
You got this one straight on. It's like you know my situation all too well. The preacher was going on what the ex and ss and bride have been telling him.
"Between them, BM and stepkids all running around trying to pretend like the divorce never happened and DH and BM are still married, stepmom doesn't stand a chance half the time. It takes a strong DH to take those three prongs of pitchfork on. (P.S. I'll have to say a penance later.) Evil" ~ The kids have thought for years I caused the divorce... Until the SS's gf got involved and said your timeline does not make sense. Then she had to come clean. Then it was a whole new drama. Then it was pit the gf against the stepmom... Oh yay... Too much drama..
I am glad my hubby finally woke up but now he fears losing kids which hurts him.. We can't win here.
I would say that your
I would say that your husband's exwife has Borderline Personality Disorder, look it up if you are not familiar with it. I think you and your husband will be able to identify with what you read. Borderlines have to be the center of attention, they go to extremes as far as liking people.....you are either nothing or you are held high. They love you but hate you, tell you to leave but want to be loved by you. Many are promiscuous, seeking that attention to be loved and #1. They have trouble letting go of their spotlight in someone's eyes so as soon as she found out that you and husband married then she has to come back in to show that she has a position in his life and that he really does love her. Get gets real twisted. Bad thing about Borderlines is they are not truthful people and generally use a great deal of manipulation on people, many times playing one person against another which she might do with you and your husband. They want to keep their children close to them at all costs and if that means making up stories to sine out as the star parent while bashing the other parent with lies they will do it. They are extremely needy people.
More than likely BM has already convinced her children that you are ______ and you did ______ which more than likely she knows nothing about, based on her own assumptions that she tells as truth. Of course it will be tainted so that you are the no good person that her children are allowed to disrespect and hate. Perfectly justifies her belief system that she has to shine in the #1 spotlight. She doesn't care what it does to you. This is someone with a delusional mind.
So what do you do?? There is nothing you can do about the BM, talking only makes things worse. I would highly encourage your husband to read about BPD and then he needs to limit all contact with her and not be sucked into anything involving her. He can visit his children without her and they needs to be done. She needs to be taken out of the picture. As far as the kids are concerned, you cannot undo what the BM has done, unfortunately. You cannot say anything about BM to the kids unless it is kind and praising which more than likely you do not feel. Any visits the kids have with you will go back to BM and then BM will create her own version of what happened or what was said and then turn it into something it is not, all to keep her spot and to slam you. Why? Nothing about you at all, this is about her and her neediness to be #1.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you have said. I do believe that is what she has also. Unfortunately, it took him 14 years to see it and understand. Now to reverse what he has done, that is the key. I told him this would happen, and it did. I also told him she was fueled by watching his facebook. Which I blocked her on his facebook (I told him I did it) and he was fine with it. His words (she doesn't need to be watching him anyways because she is married)... Yeah that caused drama.. That is partially why the SS stepped up his talking about his mom, texting about his mom, siding with his mom on everything.
The other reason I did it, was the now bride of ss had said that the ex and her family would all watch his FB and talk bad about us because they think he down graded marrying me. YAY for that compliment, coming from someone who cheated twice and left him... Then spent the last 20 years pining for him while she was married to someone else...... I may not be a super model, but I am not her and I keep my promises. So yeah, she can say what she wants on that because I was able to keep him longer than 6 years LOL
When you have a toxic ass in
When you have a toxic ass in your life get rid of it. Bm should not exist in your life.
Ignore the whore.
It is like you have a window
It is like you have a window into what I am going through. Yes, everything you have said is true. Everything is spot on. They 'act' like they like me when they are here, but NO PICTURES of me with them can be taken. But also do things in a tactful disrespect way. I posted a picture of DH, his two kids and my oldest son at christmas and as soon as she saw it, there was drama. I was told I only posted it to hurt the ex, I had no business posting pictures of her kids (mind you they were 20 & 18) (now 19 & 21) It caused a reaction to where she had to call hubby and tell him that the 19 yr old was not allowed to come back to her house because of a game that was sitting on my coffee table in the picture.
Then for some reason, on our anniversary in May the oldest text my hubby while we were out to our "dinner" to tell him he needed to talk to him that it was important. I told him he was not getting up and walking out the restaurant while we were eating that it could wait. If you have to text and say its important and not call, its not that important. Anyway it was about the younger one. Evidently, the exes version (because 21 yr old was not present) goes like this, the StepDad in that house came in and yelled at 19 yr old in question because he did not cut grass. SS then cursed and said there was no gas. At which point the ex got up and grabbed SS shirt and (her version) he tried to throw her down the stairs. Because he was being crazy the Step dad had to pull a gun and force him onto the floor where he controlled the situation. So this is why oldest step called dad, because all of this happened 3 DAYS AGO but called while we were out to dinner on our anniversary.. By the way the ex was with oldest step, when the call was placed to hubby and was quietly trying to tell him her side. Which is why they had to call right then. Because her hubby was not with them at the moment.. After talking to the child in question he said that it happened down stairs and that the Stepfather threatened to kill him and almost broke his neck...
I could go on for months just telling you all crazy things that have happened but I think most of you already know what crazy looks like and how deep these things can get. I agree with all the above posters, she has a disorder and its crazy. She has even went as far as copying things I do.. IE.. I went back to school, she went back to school, I wanted a mustang she got a mustang, I used to line dance now she has to line dance and the list goes on and on. It's got worse now that the kids are older. Everything I plan to do, she goes out and does. I told the kids I am joining a cult, but I do believe she already is in one based on the type of church and cult type things they do.... I am NOT going to do that LOL
Anyway.. This is the type nightmares I live with.. This is why I have to walk away before I lose my mind. I just hope people who see what I have gone through, really search deep before making decisions that change their lives the way this has changed me. I am not really a out going person anymore. people do not understand the depression and isolation that these situations bring. Not to mention, how they make you feel like people question your every thought or action.. Its not fun anymore... But I am trying to claw my way back out of this dark hole I have sunk into. Thanks for listening and giving me a outlet with people who know what understand completely!
I certainly understand. What
I certainly understand. What you said that people don't understand how this changes you, I sure get it!!! It really does. I was one of those eager types that was friendly to everyone and was so interested in people's lives and getting to know them but I seriously feel I have been put thru one of those old fashion clothes wringers and left on some dirt road to dry. I have been questioned from day one of meeting my husband who I have now been with for 26 years. I have been raked over the coals and had so many accusations of being this, that and the other...everything is always my fault. I am a good person and I have tried real hard to work with every situation I have been given but there is always someone there to judge me and not afraid to say something to me, about me or behind my back that eventually gets back to me. Best thing I have done for myself is to start closing these people out of my life. They don't want to know me, they don't want to know how I feel or understand me. These are people who don't care for me in any way, shape or form. No good comes from one side trying and one side resisting so I have had to learn to let it go, not go there and turn my back to some.
It definitely seems that your husband's ex feels she is competing with you and I have a feeling it is because she is trying to be in that #1 postion with your husband, trying to convince him that they still have it, all to feed her insecurities.
"It definitely seems that
"It definitely seems that your husband's ex feels she is competing with you and I have a feeling it is because she is trying to be in that #1 postion with your husband, trying to convince him that they still have it, all to feed her insecurities."
According to her, I have never been in the #1 position because I am the 3rd wife, she had kids with him and he was her first so I will never be in that position according to her. Yeah life with her in it will always be drama filled.
Oh, I see.....so she thinks
Oh, I see.....so she thinks she has some kind of power over you because she was the first wife and they had children together. She is a real gem!!!
The problem with her logic
The problem with her logic is, she is the second wife and although she had kids with him, they only dated 5 or so months before she married him. I on the other hand am the 3 rd wife, choose to date 2 years before we even considered marrying. But because she had his kids, "they have a bond that I will never break because their love was real" Just a observation.... But she cheated and left him... Real love? Yeah, I think that is a funny statement consider she did it twice, but only told him about one time until after they were divorced and she had the papers set up the way she wanted them.
These women can be deadly though. She has the kids who tell her everything, so when I went back to school... So did she.. When I planned on getting a certain car... She went and got the car.. When I started planning to make a garden and grow fresh foods, she put in a garden for fresh foods. (which is ironic considering she does not cook and they eat at big restaurants every day) So much so that her son falls into trouble because he would take his gf (before wedding) to eat out with his mom and SD and would not have $20.00 at the end of the week for gas. Sorry off topic. Everything I have done in the last 14 years has been copied to the point I feel like if she could have me killed and take over my life, she would do it. Even the SS gf said she was planning to do a few things this past April.. It literally scares the hell out of me how much she wants to prove to be like me so my hubby will notice her or take her back. Which is why we now have protection in my house because I do not trust the kids or her in one little ounce... I just can't...
Uh, you are THE WIFE. She is
Uh, you are THE WIFE. She is a discard. You are the upgrade.
I know this and the world
I know this and the world knows this, but to her, it's not reality. I am only a person who he is spending time with until she is free to be with him, which according to SS new wife, will be here in the next 4 to 5 years because she is waiting till her daughter is old enough to understand before she leaves the childs Dad... Yay for more drama to come.
What does your DH say about
What does your DH say about this ridiculousness? Or is he even aware?
Basically he ignores her. He
Basically he ignores her. He just did what he had to do to see the kids until they were of age. But it appears that has backfired because now they and she believe that I have poisoned him against her. That I control him. So that is why they are now doing what they can to put her back into the center of his world.. He could care less what she does. He says now it is between him and the kids because they are old enough to do whatever they want without her controlling them.
Insane! I'd say let her have
Insane! I'd say let her have him if DH doesn't firmly put an end to this nonsense.
He is trying to set the kids
He is trying to set the kids straight, because they still believe he is in love with her but just wont admit it... I don't know how else he can explain it to them, he has told them there is NOTHING there and never will be....
Stepaside, I too have NEVER
Stepaside, I too have NEVER encounter any pastor, preacher, minister or anyone from a religious group to ever attack anyone for "not being christian" especially when he had never met me, does not know my religion or beliefs. As for the porn thing, I was blown away by this.... Never ever have I known any to be in this position. I believe it is cult like and that he will not go far before someone will do something about him. I however do not want anything more to do with that situation. Being told "I should not be allowed to raise children" because I do not go to church every sunday and do not force my kids to go to church .... It has shook me and I am further away because of cults like this. No one has the right to be judge, especially NOT HIM. I can only say that this is just the icing...
As far as the SS coming, sigh, yes, more drama to follow and more heart ache than needed. I will stand up for myself, but also, I will not be his "buddy" so that he can go make drama based on what I do daily. Which is what will happen. He will try to play me, use me to get back at his BM when needed. But all the time I know that they are playing a game to get my husband and I apart at any cost.
The other SS new wife already told me, she was waiting for her child to be old enough to understand. Then she planned on getting back to her fairy tale life with my hubby.... So yeah, this too is just another way to try another tactic. We shall see how it goes... I may be on here falling apart within the first day.... Lets hope not!!!
Your SS is an adult right?
Your SS is an adult right? Off the top of my head I can think of a several options rather than him moving into your home.
Set him up with roommates
Enroll him in Americorp
Enlist with the military
Move him in with an elderly relative/friend who needs care
Send him to Australia for work
Have him join a monastery
College...dorms
Weekly motel until it's all sorted out
I think your sanity is worth whatever it costs to keep him out of our home
Glad to hear things are looking up for you!
I wish it was that easy...
I wish it was that easy... But I know that in my heart, I have done what is right and wont regret the choices I make. I want him to have a relationship with his Dad, but I wont be the odd person in my home either. It's going to play out and the truth will be seen. Then it is up to hubby to do what he feels is right for him. I will support my husband, not the drama though!
It's never easy being in any situation and knowing what to do, but if you try it and its not right, you have to learn and move on. I am trying this once more only out of respect for my husband. After that, it's "you're on your own, good luck!"
You have sure been through
You have sure been through hell. I just wanted to type a quick response with regards to ss moving in with you guys. My first thought is that ss is NOT having a problem with his stepdad, I think it is all a setup to get him in your home to spy and cause trouble. I could be wrong but that was my first thought.
Yeah I agree, but my hubby
Yeah I agree, but my hubby wants time with the kids and if this is what it takes, I can try it for a while... Which we have before back when he was 16 and the BM cried and cried because she missed him. Texted him several times a day, then told him his Granny was not doing well and he should probably come back to be with her as she would not be around forever. (Mind you she is still alive and well, not in the best of health but still doing well enough to get around) Well guilted and all he went home.
It's a toss up with my sanity. If I don't let him at least try, I will feel like I did not do my part to encourage his relationship with his son, but if I do and it is what we all know it is, I wrestle my sanity... Never a winning situation, just have to roll with the punches and try my best to be the person I am and not go down with the ship.. Sending life jackets like this group will be my only way to survive should it get crazy yet again!
Thank you to all who have given advice, support and shown strength in their stories. I am so glad I found this site, wished I had found it sooner!!!
I understand and must say
I understand and must say that looking back at all the times I "gave it a try" for dh's sake, I am glad I did even though it did not turn out good. Had I not given it "a try" I know that I would have been blamed for the lack of relationship with the skids.
examples: msd invited me to her babyshower at bm's. I didn't want to go but went because dh didn't want msd to be offended. I went, everything seemed fine but that was the last time she had anything to do with us. That was over five years ago. Had I not gone, msd would have used that as her excuse to be estranged.
yss. we had let him live in a rental home (free). he stayed about 8 months, left the place totally trashed, left us with a large utility bill and stole the washer and dryer we provided the rental. In the mean time my dh & I purchased a new home. We had lived in it about 6 months & I had planned a get together with some friends. yss called my dh and wanted to visit. (mind you we had not seen him in months & he had a gf for over a year that we had never met). When yss was told I had planned a get together with friends, he pushed for THAT DAY and insisted it was the only time he would be able to come visit & introduce us to gf before he moved to another state with gf. I was so angry and did not want him to crash my party but dh said the usual "I don't mind" crapola. SS & gf came. Took a tour of the house. I was very kind in spite of the fact I did not want to see the sorry thief. That was the last time we have seen or heard from them. dh has called ss several times but he will not return calls. That was over a year ago. Anyway, again, had I been anything but kind, I would have been blamed for the current state of estrangement.
Hope it works out for you.
It is so refreshing to know I
It is so refreshing to know I am NOT the only one who has been suffering through this. I don't have many friends anymore because they all think I have lost my mind because of these issues. Of course none of them have had to see what this group and I have seen, because they all stayed married through most issues. So support on these issues is NON existent. I have drained my nice side though. Which makes me sad. Because I used to be so much fun and now I feel like I am just a downer because something always reverts back to a issue going on with this family.
I will try this a last time, but I know in my heart it is a set up for more problems.. So when the ball drops, I will be expecting it. But I plan on keeping guarded on this one..
Thank you everyone for the advice and support. You might not ever know how much it means for someone just to understand!
pst: I hate to mention this
pst: I hate to mention this but technically I think we are all a little bit crazy after living step life
Think about the levels of insanity we actually deal with!
I am a bio mom as well as
I am a bio mom as well as stepmom. I would NEVER encourage my child to treat anyone with disrespect, unless they were a horrible person doing drugs in front of kids/ putting them in danger/ allowing them to be abused (sexually). My ex was a alcoholic, but I did not let my kids treat him any different until he put their lives in danger. My oldest son 24, hates his father but loves my husband, my middle child son 23, does not like my husband (because of step issues, he feels should have been taken care of so they did not affect his Mom) but he does not disrespect my husband, and my youngest girl 15, loves both her step and her dad... I do not allow them to disrespect either of the step or bio. In my life, I encourage my kids and people I know to LOVE everyone until they give you reason not too.. But that is my choice.
Now that all of my kids are old enough to understand the issues and see them, my kids understand more. My oldest has people he calls Mom, does it hurt me, NO, it makes me proud that he finds people that he loves as much as he loves me. People he says shows as much care and love as I do and that makes him want to be around them, like he is with me. I feel proud of him for LOVING people reguardless of anything...
I am a different type of person, I believe you can love until the end, but you can walk away and still love, but also know when people you can't love need to be in their own space so they can't hurt you. But it still makes me sad....
There should not be this much problem with loving your family unit, blended or other wise..... But there is and that is why this is a good site to release the frustration so you can be a better you....
That is wonderful: "it makes
That is wonderful: "it makes me proud that he finds people that he loves as much as he loves me." Rare for a BM it seems, on these pages. I always take the advice of those who are both BMs and SMs more seriously, because they can see it from both sides, so to speak. I always find it interesting too, how most BMs/SMs say being a SM is way more difficult. It is one of those things that you can only know if you are in it/are one, I think. Nost people just think if the SM is nice, then all should be a-OK. I know I certainly would have assumed that prior to becoming one. Very few outside realize the uni- dynamics that go on. From what I've seen on these pages and articles I've come across, whether or not the SM gets along with the SKs actually has very little to do with how nice she is, very little. Sure, there are some SMs from hell. BUT, for the most part, the vast majority of SMs really, really want to get along, and they have a vested interest to do so. The real determinant of whether or not the SM gets along with the stepkids is the BM. If she's okay with it, then usually the SKs are okay with it, and for those BMs who have an issue with it, I can almost guarantee you it is 99% out of possessiveness and 1% out of love. In the end, if the BM is not okay with it, doesn't appreciate someone else loving or caring for her child, then there is pretty much no way it will work, because the SKs will pick up BM's attitude and run with it. A permissive DH and stepkids who were already on edge even before SM and DH got together, can be a double extra mega-killer to ANY chance of a decent relationship with SKs. So, I'd say with most SMs, if BM is a be-atch, don't waste years trying to turn it around. I'd say, be cordial to the SKs, but don't get over-involved. There is you and your DH (love, kisses), and then there is DH and his family issues (which he gets to handle pretty much on his own). Go with DH to a couple of main events every year or so involving SKs, and then try to encourage your DH to do his own things with his kids and make sure your DH reminds his SKs, BM may be their mother, but his wife is his wife, and she is to be treated as his wife.
"Most people just think if
"Most people just think if the SM is nice, then all should be a-OK. I know I certainly would have assumed that prior to becoming one." You are SOOO right! I assumed the same thing when I married DH. Love conquers all! I know I've said this before, but it sure would be a gift to single women if society would recognize that this is a potential problem with men who have children from a previous marriage. We grow up with all sorts of warnings: "Don't marry a man who drinks or takes drugs", "Don't marry a man who gambles", etc. Why can't we warn women, "Don't marry a man who places his children's welfare above yours", "Don't marry a man who is a guilty Dad", etc.,?
Why can't we warn women,
Why can't we warn women, "Don't marry a man who places his children's welfare above yours", "Don't marry a man who is a guilty Dad", etc.,?
Because then we get blamed for ruining peoples lives lol
For me, I was actually warned.. Hard headed as I am, I said, no no this wont happen to me. But like lightening, soon as the I do's were said and the ex found out..... All hockey sticks broke out and it was on! Ranging from emails saying "you don't know how much this weekend meant to us" (the kids were 5 & 3 at the time) "we miss you and look forward to your next visit" to when she would call, she would say things implying that they spent the weekend together. Then came the I made a mistake, we need to get together to talk. To things like, my son went with him for a weekend visit and he came home to let me know that SD and ex had disappeared during a game that he went to and found them behind the dug out but he was shoed away because she needed to talk to him in private.
I could go on with this nuts stuff she did and I am sure in time you all will read all the crazy things that has lead to my insanity... But for now.. We will just say, I hope that women who are thinking of marrying a man / or a man marrying a woman who has issues with a former read this site, take it all in and then make a informed decision before going down the path that all of us have walked. It's not easy. It's probably the one thing in my life I wish I could change in some way or another, but still keeping my husband. I know he has to take responsibility in a small way for allowing some of the behaviors, but over all he just wanted to see his kids and we knew, if we did not do it her way, the outcome, could have been much much worse.
It's always a toss of the dice with these things. But I wish there was a way to stop BIO's Mom or Dads from using kids as pawns and hurting other people who do not deserve what the BIO's do... I know, wishful thinker here!!!
I know this isn't quite the
I know this isn't quite the way it was meant, but I actually don't mind and expected my husband to place his children's welfare above mine. Fully expected him to pay child support. BUT, what I do mind, and I think this is what you'all meant, is NOT being treated like his wife whenever his ex-wife and/or kids are around. I have read negative blogs from SKs, and the one thing most seem to have in common is that they all seem to look at the SM like she is another sibling they have to compete with vs. looking at the SM as their father's wife. There is a huge difference. And, a lot of SKs will even say, "She's not my SM; she's just my dad's wife." Well, that's fine. Treat her like dad's wife then, along with the respect that should come along with it. That is why DH has to take the responsibility to continually remind his children that his wife is his wife, and not act all ashamed of it, even years later!! This is also why a lot of SMs get kicked to the curb at weddings--because the SK sees her as a pesky sibling they have to compete with rather than dad's wife. It would never, ever be tolerated to treat anyone else's spouse so poorly at a wedding; ex., seating Uncle Larry up front for the ceremony and near the head table for the reception, while seating his wife, Aunt Elisha, in the back and at the kiddie table. Pretty much anyone would be appalled to see that. BUT, for DH and stepmom, keeping them apart is just fine. The hypocrisy seems downright crazy to me. Anyway, that's why my perspective is now that there is me and DH, and then there is DH and his family issues.
I failed to mention "placing
I failed to mention "placing ADULT children's welfare above SM. Several people on this site have written, "Small children are a parent's responsibility, the marriage is the priority." I agree it appears as though many times SKs view SM as competition for DH's attention. "That is why DH has to take the responsibility to continually remind his children that his wife is his wife, and not act all ashamed of it, even years later!!" When A DH allows his adult children - and other relatives - to treat his spouse poorly and disrespectfully he is doing no one any favors. Including himself. I did not go to SD's wedding because I knew I would be sitting at the kiddie table or worse.
I am certain that if DH would have taken that responsibility of reminding SD that he would not tolerate disrespect of his wife in her own home early on, the relationship with SD might be different. I would not have memories of being thrown under the bus so DH could feel 'closer' to SD. The hostility would not have escalated to a point of no return.
At my SS wedding, it was the
At my SS wedding, it was the brides stepmom who insisted I sit on the front row on their side because the ex had already told her that she wanted me put in the back of the church away from everyone. The brides SM told me it would be a mistake on my part not to come because of what SS, ex and bride had planned to do. What I did not know was the brides mom was playing both sides... I was in the front row, but they put his ex front and center of where my husband was thinking he would have to stare out at her (he was the best man at the wedding). He proved them all wrong, because he turned further to the side where he was facing me. We both knew it was planned, but he told his son we would leave if they planned anything else. They had initially planned for my hubby to walk his ex down the isle.. He told them, I will walk out. (Meaning he would). He told them that was disrespectful and he would not allow it to be done.
Long story short, she bawled like a baby because he would not acknowledge her at the rehearsal, nor at the wedding. So her and her family treated me with disrespect. When my husband would introduce me, her family would walk off as he was saying the intro.. They would stand in the hall and point and laugh. They did the thing of no one would come near me but would pull hubby off to the side to hug him or talk to him. Just really rude.. And by the way these are "true christians" who go to church 3 times a week and read their bibles several times a day...
Makes one wonder what bible they are reading.....
Kudos to your husband again,
Kudos to your husband again, Teddy Bear for doing the right thing. Alas! I was not so lucky. My DH was caught off-guard, and as he was getting ready to get into position to walk his daughter down the aisle, the minister told him to take his ex-wife's arm and walk her down the aisle first! He didn't have time to react, and just did it. And, boy!, did it sting bad, and it is still stinging, and may sting forever. So-o-o many nasty things went down that day that I did not see coming at all, including hubby looking the other way while I felt like I was being held down while my ass was being beat, that I had to go see a counselor. Anyway, one thing we all began to realize is that THERE WAS A PLAN in place ahead of time, with BM, SKs, minister, etc. Like I said before and as you say above, it is intentional and it is equally disrepectful to bio-dad as well as SM. After all, how would you feel if someone tried to shame and humiliate your wife in public? My counselor stated in all her years of practice she had never heard of BM walking down the aisle with her ex-husband, after the husband had been married to someone else for 14 years! I get so ticked just thinking about this even a year later. Anyway, despite historically being an easy-going person, I was not a quiet wallflower that day, and blew a gasket at the wedding. Right after the ceremony I pulled my husband into the women's bathroom and read him the riot act, and then I sat right up front at the parent's reception table next to my husband and right across from the bride and groom and refused to move or even eat. In hindsight, was I a be.atch that day, who ruined my SD's wedding, or did everyone get their just desserts? I don't know. (Funny thing, the minister took off right after the wedding ceremony. He had his secretary come in and give his regrets to BM.)
Wow you both were blind
Wow you both were blind sided! Because of the things before the wedding I knew it was going to be some kind of issue, what I had no idea but I knew it would be something to hit at me. The part that my husband was so angry over was when the preacher decided that at the rehearsal that EVERYONE had to take communion, but the preacher stared me down and said if you are not Christian you should NOT take communion because it will make you violently ill to disrespect the Lord in his house by having a evil heart of hatred and taking the communion. He preached for thirty minutes staring at me, saying how evil should not be at this wedding and in the house of the Lord. My husband was ticked. But when he came off the stage and said that he meant for it to sink in to me and that we needed to talk privately, my husband stood there and did not say a word.. I asked him why and he said YOU HAD COVERED EVERYTHING I would have said! But my husband also seen that I was getting very mad at this preacher who told me, I should not be allowed to raise children, that is when my husband took me by the shoulders and started walking me out.. All he said to the preacher is I think we should end this now before it goes too far. I was in a punching position and did not realize it... Glad my hubby knows me LOL
I am lucky that my husband is on the same page as me, I fought hard to get to this place with him because I thought he was nuts by giving in to her all these years, but I am glad we made it through!!!! He knows me better than anyone and would not ever let anyone hurt me and I know this but sometimes I just think he is brain dead when it comes to the ex and kids... But we are good now between us, just not with the kids. Which makes me insane cause I know it hurts him.
The deliberate plan to hurt
The deliberate plan to hurt you & humiliate your dh is horrible. How can anyone develop a relationship with such people.
My situation is somewhat similar but just not as blatant, which makes it hard because no one notices the crappy behavior but me.
When my osd got married we first went to the rehearsal the night before. Osd had me sitting in the front row and had her bm sitting in the front row close to the wall. I did not know why and I did not ask as I was just doing what I was told to do. The next day just before the wedding osd's uncle came up to me and loudly telling me that the bm should sit where I was (I was close to the middle of the first row) and that I needed to move. I did not care and did not want to make a scene and said "well I don't mind sitting in the next row" and I moved. Bm then moved.
One other thing, my yss17 was usher for osd. He had already seated my sister-n-laws. I stood at the back of the church and oss just looked at me. I said "are you supposed to seat me?" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I dunno" and just stood there staring at me. I seated myself.
Now I have to ask, was all that deliberate?
What is really bizarre is
What is really bizarre is that this kind of #$@! is happening in a church. How can these people treat others so badly, and unjustifiably so, then call themselves Christians? On another thread, a poster said the preacher, who had porn issues, told her she could not be at a wedding because he did not see her as a Christian. What would Jesus say?!!!
http://www.emilypost.com/wedd
http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/new-times-new-traditions/628-mom-vs-st...
'Mom vs. Stepmom
How Do I Handle Seating When the Moms Are Not on Good Terms?
It's prudent to think about this before the rehearsal dinner so that you can give divorces parents specific seating instructions in advance.Traditionally the bride's mother and her husband sit in the front row (if the bride is much closer to her father, he and his wife may sit there). Members of the mother's immediate family sit behind her, in the next one or two rows. After escorting the bride down the aisle, her father should sit with his wife in the next row back.
If emotions are especially raw, the stepmother may wish to sit even further back. If you plan ahead for the reception, you can make it easy for your mom and stepmother to avoid interacting. Assigning them to tables at opposite ends of the room is a good start.'
Notice the father sits with his wife, not BM. And SM may CHOOSE to sit farther back.
Here's another site for proper etiquette for photos: http://wedding-planning.wikia.com/wiki/Stepmother_Wedding_Etiquette_-_Pr...
'There may be an etiquette problem when it comes to family photos. The majority of photographers will arrange different shots for the birth parents and stepparents. You will not usually see stepparents and birth parents in the same photo. If this does happen however, the mothers should be put on opposite ends of the picture. It is strange for a stepmother to not be seen in any official wedding photos; it falls in the range of proper wedding etiquette for stepmothers to appear with their mate. As the bride/groom, expect that there will be hurt feelings and resentment that may need attention later if stepparents or birth parents are excluded from the photos.'
The bride and Ex planned all
The bride and Ex planned all of the pictures and they tried to arrange the people to where they could edit me out but my husband kept switching to make sure I was beside him in between him and stepson so they could not do it. It really made them mad. They kept saying we need to get this one shot but it's not working out. HA HA HA Because we would not let them edit me out. There is no other photos of me other than the end where they were doing family photos and people were so frustrated because it was taking so long that a few of the wedding party actually just left LOL
I totally agree!!!! If I
I totally agree!!!! If I acted as though they did not exsist in life, I would be the bad person. But for them to treat a stepmom or stepdad as though they do not exsist is this not the same thing?? Yes it is. I believe its called manners and some people need to use them.
But that is a pipe dream....
I agree, but who am I to say
I agree, but who am I to say anything, I have sinned by marrying a man who divorced the crazy B*tch lol
I asked the preacher if he
I asked the preacher if he had read the bible and knew what Jesus said.. Because I KNOW what I have read in the bible and NO WHERE does it say hold yourself better or as judge and jury for anyone!
Jam, Yes to me that sounds
Jam, Yes to me that sounds like it was planned.
**My situation is somewhat similar but just not as blatant, which makes it hard because no one notices the crappy behavior but me.**
Blatant things is what they do all the time. If you have noticed the behavior, I am sure someone else has picked up on it too.. They just are not saying because like most people they don't want to get involved...
Oh YAY, Now I am supposed to
Oh YAY, Now I am supposed to just forgive SS and his cow for the issues at the wedding....... I think NOT!!!! I am supposed to be the better person and wait for Karma to kick them in the ass... Well yeah I am waiting on Karma to do that, BUT I will NOT play buddy buddy to these two.. If I want to be kicked around I would become a damn soccer ball.... No I think NOT.. What do you all think??