How can I get BF and BM to feed overweight SD better?

I have been SM to SD10 and SS 9 for 4 years, when I first started dating BF he had a candy drawer in his fridge that the children were allowed to go in at all times. One day we were having dinner and SD was holding bread in her fist and jamming it in her mouth ,this was the first time I had to speak out and tell her to stop stuffing her face and have some manners. BF agreed then proceeded to hand her another piece of bread. I was mortified, this child is at least 35 lbs over weight ! Since then I being a chef have always cooked clean healthy food, tried limiting snacks,joined the YMCA and signed her up for programs and am always met with resistance. She has diabetes on both sides of her family for one, she will be going to a bigger school this year and I fear her getting bullied, I get frustrated that as a child she has absolutely no flexablity or energy. She is barely fitting in the largest size her favorite clothing store carries and it will be extremely hard to find nice clothes for her if she grows out of this size. She has had to go to the emergency room to get enemas because of being so bound up , her mom does not ever cook and allows her to eat mass amount of cheese and pasta etc.. Any time I am eating she comes to see what I have , she is consumed with food. I don't allow sugared drinks in my home and juice is only allowed a couple times per week, I always have a fridge full of fresh fruit and veg and now I have found awful prepackaged brownies and soda in BF fridge in the garage that I'm sure BF is giving her. He acts as if I am torturing her if I say no to bad food and he pretends he doesn't know whats bad for her. So along with the issues I have with the kids not ever helping around the house this adds to everyones perception of me being the meanest person ever!!What the heck do I do?? She always looks a mess with shirts covered in food stains, pants won't stay up from her large belly pushing them down I buy her beautiful clothes and never see them on her. I don't know if I should let this bother me but I'm a very girly girl and it just does!

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It was easier for me because

It was easier for me because 90% I cook. You will never be able to change bm's mind, and is damn near impossible to change your dh's mind. Dh would listen to my concerns and be good for a little while, but then not care again (he's a junk foodaholic). But when we all did a glucose test and sd's was incredibly high, it opened his eyes, and we took SD to the doctor who confirmed SD is inactive type 2 diabetic (previously known as adult onset diabetes, but SD is only 10). We quit junk food and SD had lost weight and gotten so much more energy!

"mass amount of cheese and

"mass amount of cheese and pasta" - *gasp* those are two of my favorite food groups!!!!!!!

ok all joking aside, let me share with you my step-life mantra - you can NOT care more than the child's bio-parents. if you do, you are fighting a battle you will NOT win. while i totally understand your concerns, you will be beating your head against the wall. if the parents allow this, let it go. you will never ever ever have more control or authority than they do, and even with good intentions you will end up the bad guy.

It is heart breaking, I

It is heart breaking, I understand. But without some sort of acceptance from her dad that her dietary habits need changing you are fighting a loosing battle in your home I fear. You could try to engage the SD herself and get her to learn about eating healthily and exercise, get her to help prepare food and shop for it. At the very least you will teach her what she needs to know and if, when older, she decides she wants to do something about her weight, even if it does little now.

As for BM again, it sounds like she is uninterested in helping her daughter too. Teaching the SD might help improve nutrition at her moms house and help her to cook/prepare her own meals and make better choices, but it is probably a long shot.

Well I would never try to put

Well I would never try to put her on a diet I don't believe in that sort of thing, I just believe in eating clean real food. It's disgusting to me all the processed food that is put in the bodies of kids these days. I guess I will have to proceed with the thought that it is not my problem however hard it is to ignore.

Same here! I was going crazy

Same here! I was going crazy with the amount of "toxins" this child would inhale while when given good food, she would literally take an hour to eat.

Breakfast consists of 1/3 of an apple, 1 scrambled egg, 1 serving of oatmeal season with cinnamon and sprinkle with sugar, a handful of blueberries.
Or something similar.
Instead of a nutrigrain bar or something simliar.

SD was surprised that she could easy so much more food, more fat, and more calories and actually lose weight.

I have been exactly where you

I have been exactly where you are! When SD was 7 she weighed 70 pounds, which is large but not crazy. By the time she was 8 she weighed 105 pounds! Come to find out that between DH and BM they were taking her out to eat about 15 meals a week! (By comparison, my BD who is 9 and is DH's child as well weighs about 80 pounds and is several inches taller than SD was at that age.) DH's favorite place to take her was an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet where she gorged on all fried foods and never touched a vegetable.

I did like you did and tried to teach SD healthy eating habits, which was met by incredible resistance from SD (of course) but also from DH and BM. I divided up food in our house and gave SD items she could eat at any time without asking, as well as items she could eat occasionally but needed permission from an adult first. Well, I was a witch!

If her parents can't bring themselves to care, you're fightng a losing battle. I KNOW you mean well, but you're just going to bring yourself grief.

^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS

^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS EXACTLY^^^^^^^^^^

Stop spending your money on nice clothes.

Stop spending your time on worrying about her nutrition.

Her parents don't care. Don't let it bother you.

You can't care more than her

You can't care more than her parents do. You'll just frustrate yourself trying to do so. It sounds like both are lazy and would rather just let her eat what she wants than put the time and effort into making any changes.

And honestly, at 10 year old? some of it lies with SD, SHE needs to learn to be more responsible with food/exercise but again, if neither of her parents are concerned enough to teach her and help her, then you're fighting a losing battle.

This child weighs around 140

This child weighs around 140 lbs now at 10yrs of age! And it's ridiculous to me that her father makes fun of heavy women all time and I just give him a nasty glare thinking to myself can you not SEE???? SS is a skinny twig and every time he eats she wants to eat I tell her he is a boy with a different metabolism you can't have food every time he does, is that wrong?

Carbonated and sugared drinks

Carbonated and sugared drinks never come in this house! Nor does junk food the closest thing to junk food is Quinoa and black bean tortilla chips!

I mean this in terms mostly

I mean this in terms mostly on amounts of food if SS wants 2 sandwiches I would let him I will not let her eat 2 she is fed!! trust me !!

When she is finished eating

When she is finished eating ,which she is ALWAYS done first , she waits at the table and looks at everyones food and asks for ours.I try to make her slow down but BF looks at me as if I'm being a bitch by saying that.

DH and I had dinner at a

DH and I had dinner at a friend's house once. They have 2 teenagers a girl who was a bit overweight, but did play sports and such and a boy who was "normal weight" I remember this night, because I was mortified for the girl when she finished dinner and then while we were all still sitting their eating, she got up and came back to the table with a can of Pringles. Her dad said "Hey, put those down, how about let the food from your dinner settle before you start eating more?"

It was obvious to me that they were concerned about her weight and this was apparently a hot button, but I did feel bad for the girl being put on the spot like that in front of us all. She didn't really seem to care though. Unfortunately, she just turned 20 and is even heavier now than she was then.. but with that said... she's a great girl! Goes to college, has a job, LOVES BS5 to death. I understand it's a "health" thing, but maybe some people are just genetically engineered to be heavier and in the words of JK Rowling:

Is "fat" really the worst thing that a human being can be? Is "fat" worse than vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring, evil or cruel?"

Maybe they will care when she

Maybe they will care when she starts getting bullied, maybe not. Either way, no need to stress yourself out over a problem the bioparents won't address. Prepare good food for the family, and if she gets her junky food anyway, just ignore it and go on about life. Don't spend money on her clothes, obviously they aren't appreciated, and it would be better to save the money than to buy clothes that will never be worn, for a child it isn't your responsibility to clothe.

Just keep cooking heathy

Just keep cooking heathy meals and try to involve her. Kids who cook make better food choices.

My bio kids always complained that there was nothing to eat. I said eat an apple, but they don't want an apple. If you are not hungry enough to eat an apple then you aren't hungry, you are bored. Then they started to say there's nothing good to eat, LOL. They got over it and she will too.

I do this, if it is withing

I do this, if it is withing 60 mins or so of a meal time I will let SD have a glass of milk. She usually refuses, so I say she can't be that hungry. I also try to ask her if her tummy is hungry (she needs food), her mouth is hungry (just wants to chew on something - usually I give her chewing gum or a carrot or something crunchy) or if her brain is hungry (she is just bored, so I try to redirect her attention). Not sure if it really works to change the way she thinks about feeling hungry, but more often than not she will be satisfied by a piece of gum.

We've had some progress and I know it is small, but in the 4 months that SD7 lived with us she lost about 4 lbs. I think that is positive, considering you don't want kids to have a massive change in weight suddenly. She is at her moms for the summer, I am hoping she doesn't come back having put it all back on plus more.

When you explain your reasoning and how you want to help your SD what are his excuses for continuing how things as they are? My husband believes that she is genetically predispositioned to be overweight. He is obese and her mother is also probably obese (though she lost a lot of weight recently so apparently genetics doesn't count for everything). I think that in most cases that is a ridiculous/easy argument. Anyway, my husband at least likes home cooked meals and agrees that we should eat healthier options so he supports that. I still have to over look the occasional Slurpee that he will get her or the enormous portion of snacks that he sometimes allows her to eat.

When I was a kid, I was the fat sibling. My brother and sister were thin and I was fat. At one stage my mum did change the way she fed us and start making more homemade meals, I also got the "sugar free" or "low fat" options a lot compared to my brother who could get the regular options for things. I have never had an eating disorder. I did and do have a distorted view of my own body and weight, but sometimes I wonder if that is partly those around me also have a distorted view. In my thin family I was the fat child. I have dated men from "fat" families and they and their families always tell me I am skinny even when I know that I was medically overweight. Recently I lost 30lbs and am back to being normal weight rather than overweight and at times I feel great about my body, other times I look at my slightly flabby stomach and feel fat again. But I am grateful that I learnt about nutrition, sport and exercise at a young age. I am grateful that we never had fizzy drinks in the home so I don't have a taste for them now. I am grateful that I know what a reasonable portion size looks like. So overall I don't think that having different standards for the kids is necessarily going to cause your SD to have an eating disorder as such, but it may affect her self image and self confidence, but you have got to weigh that up with a life of obesity.

I have the opposite problem.

I have the opposite problem. SD11 needs to eat MORE. She's thin. She doesn't have enough energy. There's a longer story behind this one but I don't want to go into it on these boards.
There are things DP and BM could do to help her but I cannot do anything. Not a thing.
It's up to the parents to resolve it.

I hate seeing it and do my best to teach her how to make things for herself. I make sure I have healthy things for her to eat. That's all I can do. Everything else is up to her parents.

Clothes? I buy her one or two nice things a year. She is very picky about clothing (related to food issue but that's also up to parents to realize) so she doesn't dress "normally." This could change as she goes into middle school as she won't be able to fit or find 'comfortable' kid clothes much longer and will have to start wearing 'normal' clothing. Which is hard b/c she's a reed. One or two nice things but it's up to her parents to clothe her. Not me.

STOP WITH THE FAT KIDS POSTS.

STOP WITH THE FAT KIDS POSTS. Holy mother of God has anyone just seen BIG kids? Mine are. They are both big healthy kids. And I would be so pissed off if someone was sitting there telling people that I never cook for them or made them eat a vegetable. Leave it alone.