How to get SD3 to sleep alone?
My fiance and I just moved closer to his daughter, and she has been spending at least one night a week with us. We've been having her overnight for about a year, but until a few months ago it was only once a month. She was sleeping through the night, alone, for the last couple of months before we moved closer. We think she still sleeps with BM in BM's bed most nights, although she recently got a boyfriend and is trying (not very hard) to get SD to sleep alone. When it was once a month, I could deal with it, but I WON'T GIVE UP my soon-to-be husband a few nights a week. But he thinks that because she is with her mom most nights and still sleeps with her there is no point in trying. Also, I'm beginning to realize that maybe nobody has told her that kids are supposed to sleep alone. I've started telling her that daddy is supposed to sleep in his bed and she is supposed to sleep in hers, etc. (She's incredibly spoiled, and always gets her way with both her dad and mom.)
So, I am asking two big questions:
1. How do I convince my fiance that we CAN get her to sleep alone, and that it's worth it?
2. Once I've convinced him, HOW do we get her to sleep alone?
I totally get what you're
I totally get what you're saying, because I think he feels a lot of guilt for not being a normal family, but he found out he was having her about two months into a casual sex relationship with a woman he didn't really have feelings for. (In other words, it would've been much worse had they stayed together.) He is by no means an "absent father" in that we have her every weekend for one or two nights, and he picks her up from school and spends the evening with her 2-3 days a week. Her mom works 5-6 days a week and puts her to bed within two hours of getting off work each day, then sends her to us on the weekends. In other words, even though she doesn't sleep with us more than 1-2 nights a week, we spend tons of time with her. I feel like that means we should be able to establish a schedule because she is very comfortable with us and knows she can count on us.
He seems to agree with the
He seems to agree with the concept, but can't follow through because he hates hearing her cry.
Of course he hates hearing
Of course he hates hearing her cry! The parents who listen their kids cry and still insist the kid sleeps in her own room hate it too! It's just values.
Value 1: I make parenting decisions based on what's best for my kid, not on what makes ME feel better. (Better for kid to sleep in bed, not about my feelings when she's crying.)
Value 2: It's ok to feel negative feelings. (Better to feel bad and learn to understand and control feelings in order to be happy than to expect the world to adjust to accommodate my wishes.)
Being a good parent is often uncomfortable. Love is NOT enough.
I don't know how you could possibly convince him to see things differently though. I get that he loves her and probably wants to have all the time with her to be happy-time, but letting his soft side and his feelings of inadequacy rule is not going to give him the outcome he wants.
A happy child is very different than an indulged child. And indulged child does not mature normally. Without boundaries, limits, coaching, support, encouragement, routine and discipline, a child will be indulged but will not be happy.
Problem is, it's hard to allow the ones we love to be in pain. And sometimes we feel we have more control than we do over another. It would be nice, wouldn't it, to think that you could heal someone's pain just by letting them stay up an extra hour? Imagine if just giving someone what they say they want right now ACTUALLY made a difference? How powerful we would be!
This link is a good read. It
This link is a good read. It talks about kids anxiety about sleeping alone AND reasons why parent's let the bad sleeping habits happen. And of course there is a 'program' for getting kids to sleep alone. It has worked well for SD5 who has always "needed" someone in the room with her.
http://www.ogradywellbeing.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/HelpYourChildS...
Ultimately it will feel
Ultimately it will feel almost impossible unless you have your fiance on board.
We went through similar, SD had always slept in her own bed then went through waking up in the middle of the night and joining us. It soon became a big issue to me, I told my fiance I wasnt comfortable having her in our bed. Fortunately my fiance took it to heart and returned SD to her own bed. There was a few month period that it was really difficult, every few hours she was crying that she wanted to be in bed with us. Having her in tears was really hard for him, and ultimately HE had to do it, I couldnt. All I could do was support him. Now SD is soon to be 5 and it hasnt been an issue for over a year.
But his argument of there is no point in trying if BM is doing differently is completely silly. He is a parent too and he has his own household.
You could: Refuse to sleep
You could:
Refuse to sleep with your SO when she is there so that understands that his daughter has no place in yalls bed.
Put her to bed an hour or so early and make her stay in her bed. Keep replacing her if you have to. I remember when SS3 (was 2) was put in his own bed and I would have to wait up in the livingroom and put him back in his bed over and over until he gave up and fell asleep. It takes commitment. Your SO's logic is flawed when he says that he shouldn't try because BM doesn't. My SS co-slept with BM and continued even after my DH asked her to stop. We continued putting him in his bed and now he knows that's where he sleeps. He still asks if he can sleep with us sometimes but once I remind him that everybody sleeps in their own room like big kids he's changed his mind. Like I said it takes consistency and patience.