but not really...

I think I am having a delayed mid life crisis. This is actually no surprise. I always was a few years behind my actual age, mentally, and physically.

Sooo....
My sweet old husky was put down on May 22..,goodbye my forever friend, and the best running buddy ever, no way to replace this guy.

On June 5th my job of 6 years was outsourced to a co-packer in another state. Even though that was the worst company I have ever worked for, I was hoping to retire early, in about 30 months, at 55. Although I am on the right financial track, I really do need a few more years of employment. I am tearing my hair out having an adult tantrum because I DO NOT want to start over, at the bottom of the fish tank, being "part of a winning team"....
I do not wish to play that game. Tired, tired , tired of being an actor in a play.

But ya knoooow (originally from MN, so pardon the accent), it starts back much farther...like end of January when Step son in law shot step father in law in self defense, and SFIL passed. SSIL was immediately jailed for second degree murder and it turned into a huge nightmare that continues to unfold, so, if you think you have the right to self defend in the good old USA, make dang sure all your i's are dotted and your T's are crossed, and be sure to have multiple whitnesses or the law will screw the crap out of you, as will the dishonest media. He is innocent but it will be a long hard road to prove that.

After that difficult hardship, and to make a long story short, the family dynamics changed abruptly. DH became like a husband to SD, and a bio dad to SIL and grand baby, and it's like I am now his daughter....which, of course is grossly dysfunctional. He does back flips to help them ( which I do have a heart for them and have no issues with helping them, or anyone else in a tough crisis) but...DH will then question me on simple groceries I ask for? In a normal, functional marriage, the spouse should come first, so why do I feel last on so many levels.

To make a long story short, it's very complicated on so many levels, and I just want to run and run and never look back. Why do I have to deal with all this crap in a short period of time? I am not big enough. I feel like Moses...."Please God, send someone else..."

Not sure I need advice as badly as I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on so thanks for the listen and the empathy.

With that, I will have another glass of wine, and maybe some chocolate, dark chocolate....