Father really dislikes his step kids!
I am 52 and have a 15 year old son that lives with me most of the time. My wife has two kids a son 18 and a daughter 23 who live with us some of the time.
We have been together for 10 years now and had out share of ups and downs surrounding her kids.
I can't say this any other way but that I hate her kids. They are lazy liars who talk down to their mother and give me nothing but grief. They are polite and respectful to everyone they meet but at home they are just angry sarcastic little fucks.
The girl who is tipping the scale at 200lbs and is 5' is an opinionated loud mouth. She loves to eat and drink beer and brags about how drunk she got here and how she fell down there. She went to collage and screwed up her major partying her time away, now working at a grocery store cutting fruits 3 days a week. Her mother pays for her car and a mired of other expenses. She swears like a truck driver and is a big hot mess. She will walk in the house and say very loudly, what the hell smells like crap? Could be painting I am doing or something cooking.
The son is a big pot head who has a court date for speeding 85 in a 55 and then totaled his car while driving stoned and not paying attention. He has had a temper issue since the age of 4 and yet the parents never did anything about it. He barley graduated high school this year, it came down to one final in one class on the last day. He has zero prospects of a job, now washed dishes at a restaurant.
My wife and her ex have never been able to co-parent, these kids are the result of that inability. I have know her most of my adult life and pined for her for years until we found an opportunity to date. She has been my best friend, we have so many fun times, laughing and the sex is great.
My son is more of a computer geek, he is quiet and spends most of his time in his room playing his guitar or on the computer. He has excellent grades and aside from some moans and groans about cleaning his room and taking out the trash we don't have conflict with him.
After 6 years of living together we decided to slip away and get married in Vegas. When we told the family and the kids, everyone was so happy for us but her kids. They send awful text messages and made huge scene we heard about upon our return. the daughter wouldn't talk to her mother for weeks. So an event that was to be happy was ruined.
As I write this I thinking to myself, what the hell are you doing still in this relationship?
A big huge fight happened between me and the daughter a few days ago, my wife has been in tears since. I thought she was going to leave me for a couple days but told me last night she was going to stay and not give up on all that we have built together. I was relived but during the night began to think, maybe getting out of this would be better for everyone.
The stress of these kids is killing me, I go to a counselor to discuss the anger I have, I took up TM (meditation) as a way to relive the stress and I'm on Paxil.
Certainly my reactions have been poor, I should bite my tongue and keep my cool but often times it just gets the better of me. I have never received any respect from her kids. They come and go as they please and don't even say hello of goodbye to me.
I think this marriage is doomed.
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I agree with keep it simple,
I agree with keep it simple, these are adults not kids!! They need to move out, grow up, mommy needs to cut the apron strings. They will never be anything better until momma stops taking care of them and they are made to fend for themselves. I hate to see anyone get a divorce but if she don't cut the string and set some boundaries I'm afraid it will never work.
You all certainly make me
You all certainly make me feel better but if I'm to be honest I think our marriage is going to pay the price.
I feel so disrespected and unimportant in my own home. After this last fight with the SD she told her mom to leave me. The SS went upstairs and punched a hole in his bedroom door.
My son has no idea what is going on and I feel like I'm letting him down allowing this to happen.
I love my wife but I hate her kids, can this ever really work?
Of course it can! With some
Of course it can! With some hard work. You and your DW need to be partners and find some common ground in parenting. It sounds like your issue isn't with kids, but with what your DW lets them get away with.
I agree with the other posts, they are adults and need to leave the nest. But that doesn't happen over night.
In the meantime, set some ground rules for your home, come up with them together with DW and set them in stone. No violence, no manipulation, and respectful behavior, if you live here you pay rent, etc. Make the rules together and be a team and present the rules to everyone together as united front.
It can be a good thing for your marriage for the two of you to sit together and talk through what you each need to have your home and life be a sanctuary.
It sounds like you love her very much, so give it a try and set boundaries for your self, home and marriage.
And this will show your son what good parenting a healthy marriage looks like.
With some hard work it is
With some hard work it is possible to save your marriage. Remind yourself this is the woman you pined for and you aren't going to let two lazy slobs take her away from you.
Start setting boundaries for yourself. Don't let that young woman insult you ever. Speak up for yourself. Tell wife 23 is well past launch age and you're working on a launch plan for Insulty McNulty. When wife gets all whiny about it, remind your wife she is crippling her daughter, ask her if she is deliberately clipping the girl's wings to feed her own desire to be "needed?" Tell her to be a real mom and see to it her daughter has a fabulous life by being a capable and self-actualized adult. Beginning now.
Wash rinse repeat with ss but his launch plan will be modified to reflect his younger age.
What does not change is YOUR boundaries. These young adults want to insult you, here's the door, enjoy that great grand world out there that does not have mean justaguy2008 in it. This is the only 1/2 acre on Earth where you will find justaguy2008 so go exult in the 123 billion acres where you won't be bothered by him.
I must say that the ability
I must say that the ability to post here without the fear of WW III is reliving.
SS called his mom all bummed out today, apparently the job he went for had a math test and he couldn't pass it. Just graduated a week ago, tell me the school didn't just push him through. He had her car a 2014 Rouge and for some reason the head gasket blew. Oil all over the place.Things that make you go Hmmmmm?
I have made plans for my son to spend some time with his mother and grandmother over the next four days. I made a reservation at my wife's favorite restaurant for a dinner date on Saturday night. We have always had wonderful romance with PDA and really good conversations. I hope to give her a night that will be light and romantic without any stress or conflict.
Both Steps have now gone to stay with their father, not sure for how long but it is making my wife all teary that they are not around. I feel very guilty but also very relived that they are not here.
I'm thinking that I should offer a night a week where I go do something on my own and let her have her kids over for dinner. Just a thought.
I know it should be a simple thing to just change the locks and say no more, but I think about this in the reverse, if it were my son, it would be heartbreaking.
There is no question that some point along the way my wife and her ex missed opportunities to correct bad behavior. The damage is done and these two are going to find out how difficult life is, relationships will fail, there are no trophies for getting a job and Please and Thank you do work.
Yes, post here. It's a life
Yes, post here. It's a life saver. FWIW I do think your romancing of your wife is a good plan. Fill her well. Top her up with good vibes for hubster. They should pay off. It strengthens the marriage no matter what state you're in at the moment.
If you stick around ST, you will learn more about boundary setting and launch plans.
There are some people here with very blunt viewpoints. There are others with great techniques they will share that you haven't thought of before. Some people will post/respond when they are feeling very growly instead of thoughtful. Just ride it all out and cherry pick the advice that appeals to you. You can learn a lot of good stuff over time.
Also fwiw, my own marriage is doing quite well. There are several others around who are thriving, too. So don't get too discouraged about us (ST) when you see all the breakups and negative rhetoric. We are venting. Some people are in impossible situations. But many of us have made significant progress in our step lives and our marriages are great. Hopefully you will bring some great advice for us as well. BTW, we have several regular posters who are men. You may wish to keep an eye out for that Hombre Posse.
Best wishes to you.
My wife asked me to send SD a
My wife asked me to send SD a text to apologize for overreacting, I did it but now feel like throwing up. Where is her apologies? I know I sound like a 5 year old. I honestly do not want to see SD or SS again. The thought of listening to their half truth stories or looking at her obese body, filling her face with chips makes my stomach turn.
SS has not come to get any of his things yet since he decided to go live with his dad. Seeing all of his crap makes me want to box it all up but I know if I do that BW will have a fit. I would close the door but remember he shoved his fist through it. I took it down and do not plan to replace it until he helps or all of his crap is gone for good.
I lightly touched on the topic of changing locks and garage codes but BW was not into that. I have ADT coming today, if I can at least have notice when they come by and see if anything is taken it will go better for me to propose the lock change again.
I'm getting no sleep, I toss and turn and lay awake and wonder how these kids could turn out this way, so disrespectful and full of entitlement so opinionated. I worry that my son (15) will wake up one morning and be a stranger to me. I am so close to him, he still gives hugs and wants me to come listen to him play the guitar. He does grumble when asked to take out the trash or clean his room but never throws a fit. Once in a while he is a bit sarcastic but I can tell him "too far" and he reels it in. This all seems normal to me and manageable.
Everyday life is tough enough without all this additional crap. I had an idea that if i actually made it to 52 my life would be less chaotic.
Thanks for listening
Hombre, read back this post
Hombre, read back this post to yourself. You're doing things that make you vomit. No bueno.
You're going to a counselor for your anger issues? Who wouldn't be angry in this situation? Ask your counselor to help you with boundary setting for awhile. You should not have apologized to Guzzle Girl when it made you vomit. You need your professional to help you with boundaries. You can set them with your wife without being angry or enraged or snarky. Ask your counselor how to tell your wife "no," stick to it, and be calm and pleasant about it.
I don't want to be around your skids and I haven't even met them. Who would? Your anger is going to grow and grow no matter how many "anger management" exercises you do until you get some relief in your actual life. Anger Management can't fix Hideous.
So things have settled down a
So things have settled down a lot since my last post. I have not seen skids and I must say it feels wonderful. The house is quiet and calm and my DW and I have had some wonderful days and nights. I know she misses them terribly but she has gone shopping with SD and had both over here for dinner on a night I was out with my son.
The next issue is we have a summer house rented for the end of August and both skids were planning on coming. She asked if I would be okay with her SS coming still, I said I think he would need to make an effort to come talk with me between now and then so we can clear the air. She planned dinner with him for this weekend. Suddenly I'm not hungry.
I failed to mention that I myself had a step father. He was a wonderful man that I really loved and respected. It may have been that I knew him before he was married to my mother (all of my life actually). He passed away last year at the age of 90 at home with me and my mother by his side. I'm sure I pissed him off but I honestly can't remember him being mad with me.
My hot button issue with the skids has always been lack of respect. They are self centered demons with cold hearts that don't seem to be pleased by anything. Their father is a knuckle dragging asshole who thought going hunting was more important that raising his kids (nothing against hunting). I work at the same company with the big tool and he is as stupid as a bag of hammers. He rules the skids by fear.
Thanks for the vent.
Where to begin, SS has come
Where to begin, SS has come by now a couple times since he moved out. My guess is things are not fun at daddy's and he is inching his way back. Uggggg. He has been relatively calm and not pulling his shit but I do not trust that it will stay this way.
I also got a text from SD lats night apologizing for the big fight we had and asking if I would be willing to put it behind us. I really hate this woman, if it were just me I would not have anything to do with her but my wife's happiness is a major factor. I did accept the apology all for what it will do for my wife.