Yes, you've got that right. My 13 year old stepkids are moving in with their grandparents. My husband told me last night in bed, when we were unwinding. I knew he was thinking about it the last couple of days, but I never thought he would actually agree to it. So here's how it all went down.
The kids started spending all their time with their grandparents. They would get up in the morning and head out the door to their maternal grandparents. They would come home at night and they would seem happier than they have since I knew them. I asked my husband about it and he said he'd told them they could. He said he only wants them to be happy.
So this went on for about a week and then I overheard the kids in my SS's room one night talking. He asked my SD why they couldn't live with their grandparents. She said she didn't think their dad would allow them to, but they could ask. Both agreed to ask, saying they weren't happy with us but were happier with granny and granddad. The following day, while at their grandparents house, they asked my husband over the phone if they could move in with their grandparents. He brought it up to me that evening and said he was thinking about it.
Fast forward to last night and he told me he was going to let them go. He mentioned that he had spoken to the grandparents who were more than happy for the kids to live with them. He told me they're happier there than here. I asked him how he expected our relationship with them to get better if they didn't live here. He said the kids might come over willingly (yeah, right). I already know they won't. And I know they won't make the effort to see their half siblings either (mine and their fathers kids).
These kids aren't bad kids. They're just cold and distant. Have been since their mothers death. And I know they struggle with it. They go to counseling, but not regularly, which is also something that probably isn't helping.
Do you think I'm thinking about it too much? I know these kids aren't mine. But I'm still stunned at how fast things have developed. They'll probably be moving out today and God knows if we ever see them again.
IT sounds like he's looking to justify a decision he knows might be detrimental to his kids. But I've never been through this, I'm not sure how I would handle it either. I agree with whomever said to give it time, with kids, nothing stays the same lol.
He says it's because the kids would rather live with their grandparents and are happier with them than they are here. He believes it's what's best for them, or so he says.
Just becomes something makes them happy, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
What if they had said we would be happy if your wife and the two babies moved out? He wouldn't tell you and the kids to move out, then use the excuse that he just want the twins to be happy.
I don't see that happening. Honestly, I don't know what is going on in his head. But personally, I think he's afraid the kids will admit to hating him because of the things that happened when their mom died.
I agree that 13yos shouldn't be calling the shots. DH has a responsibility to raise his own kids. I fear that the Grans will soon become exhausted and want to send the kids back, or the Grans will try to enforce some rules and responsibilities....in which case the kids will want to come back to DH. This happens all of the time with the battle of the households. The kids are never held responsible for their actions, are never given life lessons, instead they turn into ping pong balls between two homes and become enabled in the process. Enjoy it for now, because it will become difficult down the road if the kids change their minds.
The grandparents could end up realizing it's too much for them to take on and I think that would leave us with two severely depressed teenagers. Chores and responsibilities wouldn't be an issue for the kids, since they have them here and there are no problems on that front.
Honestly, this is all due to the three of them not going to counseling together (husband and stepkids) to talk about what happened with their mom.
I want him to go to counseling with them. Somewhere they will open up and get all the emotion out so they can move forward in a good, healthy way. They need it. There's so much left unsaid and it's hard to be in the house with it. Do I think the kids hate him like he thinks? No. But I do believe there is some there. I know for a fact they hate themselves and I know they hate him in some way, but I don't think deep down they hate him enough to want nothing to do with him ever. It's just building up and they push him away because of it.
I think the kids are just dealing with too much to agree to it and my husband is a grown ass man, so I couldn't force him into anything. I think he'd probably listen to me and then chicken out at the last minute.
Question. If something happens to you - are you okay with your husband sending your children to live with your parents because 'it would make them happy'? Is that okay with you? I'm just curious. I would hope my husband would want my children with him always.
Any amount of money your children are receiving as survivor's benefits need to be court ordered directly to the grandparents as they will be raising the children.
No, it's what's best for him because he does not want to deal with them and what has happened. He does not want to put in the time and energy and effort to help heal his children. Their lives are forever changed and he does not know how to deal with it and is not willing to figure it out and do what needs to be done.
He keeps saying he wants them to be happy
He can keep telling himself that but it's going to take more than a change of residency. They need help dealing with their mother's death.
Is he in contact with the grandparents? What kind of a relationship does he have with them?
If he is hell bent on letting this happen, he needs to remain a presence in their lives, a parental presence. He needs to remain in contact with them. He needs to insist that they get consistent counseling and get counseling himself to help his children deal with what has happened. He is still their father, no matter where they live. The arrangement needs to be on HIS terms, not theirs.
I don't think I know the back story, what kind of relationship did he have with the kids prior to this?
I don't know that I agree with what he's doing but frankly, if he's going to do nothing to help them, them living with him will not make any difference and they would not necessarily be better off living with him just because he's their father.
My mother died when I was 7, my father remarried shortly after, we had issues like most families. I have a lot of resentment and disappointment for my father, but if he had given me to my grandparents I would have never forgiven him. My problems with him was because he became an alcoholic and all the crap that went on with that. But I'm telling you if he had given me up and not fought for me it's something I would have been devastated over to this day.
I have no respect for your DH abdicating his responsibilities as a father.
What kid does not want to move out upon occassion. I ran away daily when I was 3-4 years old. My mom would pack my lunch, tell me to be home when teh street lights came on, watched me walk up the road with my lunch sack and a hiking stick then would keep an eye on me while I sat to eat my lunch on the pile of dirt at the top of the hill about 50yrds away.
13yo kids get no opinion much less do they get to move out just because they like it at the GPs better than they like it at home.
Tough shit kids, suck it up.
As for their grief over the loss of their mom .... a major life loss like a parent, child, spouse, marriage, job, etc... generally takes 2-4 years to process and work through the grieving cycle. Letting the kids try to run away from life will just cause them more issues and prolong the grieving process.
Bad move daddy. Step up, man up, and be a father.
No, you are not thinking about it too much. That you see clearly what your DH is purposely blind too indicates that he is not thinking enough of it.
A parent's job is not their kid's happiness. A parent does not deliver happiness to their kid. A parent privides the environment, boundaries, behavioral expectations, mentoring, example, acts as an acvocate for their children, is a confidante, and provides for their kids. Kid happiness is the result of effective parenting it is not the job of the parent.
I see your DH doing none of these things as he waves his children out the door to the GPs house.
too much emphasis today is placed on children's happiness rather than their well being or what's right.
they lost their mother. they need to adjust to the new normal which is life with their FATHER only, and his new partner. He needs to make time for them.
Yes, you've got that right.
Yes, you've got that right. My 13 year old stepkids are moving in with their grandparents. My husband told me last night in bed, when we were unwinding. I knew he was thinking about it the last couple of days, but I never thought he would actually agree to it. So here's how it all went down.
The kids started spending all their time with their grandparents. They would get up in the morning and head out the door to their maternal grandparents. They would come home at night and they would seem happier than they have since I knew them. I asked my husband about it and he said he'd told them they could. He said he only wants them to be happy.
So this went on for about a week and then I overheard the kids in my SS's room one night talking. He asked my SD why they couldn't live with their grandparents. She said she didn't think their dad would allow them to, but they could ask. Both agreed to ask, saying they weren't happy with us but were happier with granny and granddad. The following day, while at their grandparents house, they asked my husband over the phone if they could move in with their grandparents. He brought it up to me that evening and said he was thinking about it.
Fast forward to last night and he told me he was going to let them go. He mentioned that he had spoken to the grandparents who were more than happy for the kids to live with them. He told me they're happier there than here. I asked him how he expected our relationship with them to get better if they didn't live here. He said the kids might come over willingly (yeah, right). I already know they won't. And I know they won't make the effort to see their half siblings either (mine and their fathers kids).
These kids aren't bad kids. They're just cold and distant. Have been since their mothers death. And I know they struggle with it. They go to counseling, but not regularly, which is also something that probably isn't helping.
Do you think I'm thinking about it too much? I know these kids aren't mine. But I'm still stunned at how fast things have developed. They'll probably be moving out today and God knows if we ever see them again.
Thanks for answering! And I
Thanks for answering! And I agree, it might be easier for my kids in the long run...
He keeps saying he wants them
He keeps saying he wants them to be happy. I don't know how many times he told me that last night.
IT sounds like he's looking
IT sounds like he's looking to justify a decision he knows might be detrimental to his kids. But I've never been through this, I'm not sure how I would handle it either. I agree with whomever said to give it time, with kids, nothing stays the same lol.
Yes. Maternal grandparents.
Yes. Maternal grandparents. And I do wonder about that, but they seem to be doing a lot better than the kids.
That is just awful. How do
That is just awful. How do you just hand your kids over to someone else???
Hopefully the grandparents will go to court for custody, child support and money the kids are entitled to as a result of mom's death.
He says it's because the kids
He says it's because the kids would rather live with their grandparents and are happier with them than they are here. He believes it's what's best for them, or so he says.
I agree.
I agree.
Just becomes something makes
Just becomes something makes them happy, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
What if they had said we would be happy if your wife and the two babies moved out? He wouldn't tell you and the kids to move out, then use the excuse that he just want the twins to be happy.
He needs to step up and parent.
I don't see that happening.
I don't see that happening. Honestly, I don't know what is going on in his head. But personally, I think he's afraid the kids will admit to hating him because of the things that happened when their mom died.
I agree that 13yos shouldn't
I agree that 13yos shouldn't be calling the shots. DH has a responsibility to raise his own kids. I fear that the Grans will soon become exhausted and want to send the kids back, or the Grans will try to enforce some rules and responsibilities....in which case the kids will want to come back to DH. This happens all of the time with the battle of the households. The kids are never held responsible for their actions, are never given life lessons, instead they turn into ping pong balls between two homes and become enabled in the process. Enjoy it for now, because it will become difficult down the road if the kids change their minds.
~ Moon
The grandparents could end up
The grandparents could end up realizing it's too much for them to take on and I think that would leave us with two severely depressed teenagers. Chores and responsibilities wouldn't be an issue for the kids, since they have them here and there are no problems on that front.
Honestly, this is all due to the three of them not going to counseling together (husband and stepkids) to talk about what happened with their mom.
You see, the kids would
You see, the kids would probably say it has to be on their terms and then it would never happen.
Me? I want him to go to
Me?
I want him to go to counseling with them. Somewhere they will open up and get all the emotion out so they can move forward in a good, healthy way. They need it. There's so much left unsaid and it's hard to be in the house with it. Do I think the kids hate him like he thinks? No. But I do believe there is some there. I know for a fact they hate themselves and I know they hate him in some way, but I don't think deep down they hate him enough to want nothing to do with him ever. It's just building up and they push him away because of it.
Nope. Not unless my husband
Nope. Not unless my husband made them do it.
I think the kids are just dealing with too much to agree to it and my husband is a grown ass man, so I couldn't force him into anything. I think he'd probably listen to me and then chicken out at the last minute.
I don't think so. I know he
I don't think so. I know he spoke to them when they started. But not since.
Question. If something
Question. If something happens to you - are you okay with your husband sending your children to live with your parents because 'it would make them happy'? Is that okay with you? I'm just curious. I would hope my husband would want my children with him always.
Any amount of money your children are receiving as survivor's benefits need to be court ordered directly to the grandparents as they will be raising the children.
No, I wouldn't be happy with
No, I wouldn't be happy with that.
Yes! Exactly what LadyFace's
Yes! Exactly what LadyFace's DH said.
I've said it to my own kid.
What I wonder is if there's a chance the kids prefer the grandparents because they are paying more attention and doing parenting?
He believes it's what's best
He believes it's what's best for them
No, it's what's best for him because he does not want to deal with them and what has happened. He does not want to put in the time and energy and effort to help heal his children. Their lives are forever changed and he does not know how to deal with it and is not willing to figure it out and do what needs to be done.
He keeps saying he wants them to be happy
He can keep telling himself that but it's going to take more than a change of residency. They need help dealing with their mother's death.
Is he in contact with the grandparents? What kind of a relationship does he have with them?
If he is hell bent on letting this happen, he needs to remain a presence in their lives, a parental presence. He needs to remain in contact with them. He needs to insist that they get consistent counseling and get counseling himself to help his children deal with what has happened. He is still their father, no matter where they live. The arrangement needs to be on HIS terms, not theirs.
I don't think I know the back story, what kind of relationship did he have with the kids prior to this?
I don't know that I agree with what he's doing but frankly, if he's going to do nothing to help them, them living with him will not make any difference and they would not necessarily be better off living with him just because he's their father.
My mother died when I was 7,
My mother died when I was 7, my father remarried shortly after, we had issues like most families. I have a lot of resentment and disappointment for my father, but if he had given me to my grandparents I would have never forgiven him. My problems with him was because he became an alcoholic and all the crap that went on with that. But I'm telling you if he had given me up and not fought for me it's something I would have been devastated over to this day.
I have no respect for your DH
I have no respect for your DH abdicating his responsibilities as a father.
What kid does not want to move out upon occassion. I ran away daily when I was 3-4 years old. My mom would pack my lunch, tell me to be home when teh street lights came on, watched me walk up the road with my lunch sack and a hiking stick then would keep an eye on me while I sat to eat my lunch on the pile of dirt at the top of the hill about 50yrds away.
13yo kids get no opinion much less do they get to move out just because they like it at the GPs better than they like it at home.
Tough shit kids, suck it up.
As for their grief over the loss of their mom .... a major life loss like a parent, child, spouse, marriage, job, etc... generally takes 2-4 years to process and work through the grieving cycle. Letting the kids try to run away from life will just cause them more issues and prolong the grieving process.
Bad move daddy. Step up, man up, and be a father.
No, you are not thinking about it too much. That you see clearly what your DH is purposely blind too indicates that he is not thinking enough of it.
A parent's job is not their kid's happiness. A parent does not deliver happiness to their kid. A parent privides the environment, boundaries, behavioral expectations, mentoring, example, acts as an acvocate for their children, is a confidante, and provides for their kids. Kid happiness is the result of effective parenting it is not the job of the parent.
I see your DH doing none of these things as he waves his children out the door to the GPs house.
Pretty pathetic IMHO.
too much emphasis today is
too much emphasis today is placed on children's happiness rather than their well being or what's right.
they lost their mother. they need to adjust to the new normal which is life with their FATHER only, and his new partner. He needs to make time for them.