Any advice for starting the process of leaving?
Forums:
There was a time when the idea of divorce really scared me, but after more than 20 years of this I think I may be ready to call it quits. I want some peace in my life. Any advice on what my first move should be? I love my house but I am willing now to even let that go. Where do I start?
First thing, open an account
First thing, open an account only in your name. Get a PO Box and have the statements sent to there along with any other correspondence you don't want to have known.
Then, I would say it would be just a matter of going to the lawyers around town (most have a free initial consultation and if you tell them confidential information, he won't be able to use them) and see exactly where you sit. Don't give up on what should rightfully be yours. Know your rights and options.
Agreed. Wish you all the
Agreed.
Wish you all the best!
In my state EVERYTHING
In my state EVERYTHING (except gifts and inheritance) is joint property to be split 50/50, no exceptions (except gifts and inheritance)
My mom said when she was preparing for her divorce she bought travelers checks with all her spare cash, and kept them in her cars owners manual.
Once the cash is used to purchase the item, they become yours, they have your name on them, and are no longer joint property...
In my state at least.
Separate everything and agree
Separate everything and agree with the others, start stashing away cash. I don't think you should take more than what is yours, but you need to protect yourself. If there is no pre-nup, then you need to start figuring out what you want and don't want. My parents divorced 20 years ago and my dad wanted out, so he was willing to leave most everything. Only thin he really fought for was his retirement. I disagree with him on the house and the cottage and two cars all to my mom, but he wanted out. Now after 20 years he has left the woman he left my mom for. He has walked away from everything again. But, at least this time got smarter and when he bought a winter home, he put it in his name only.
For me, I have never co-mingled anything with DH, so an extraction will be easy. I would see a lawyer and make a plan...
First, file for separation so
First, file for separation so you don't get any 'surprises'. Immediately create your own account and place half of the joint funds in it. Then seek a therapist who can help you through the emotional process.
I was in your shoes not long
I was in your shoes not long ago, really ready, just done! I contacted an attorney. I too was not willing to lose what I had invested in our 23 years of marriage. I then contacted a counselor with the intent that he would help me thru the divorce process. My husband and I were not talking at the time, not at all, avoiding each other at every chance. Crazy how the help of a counselor can change things around. He helped me address issues, helped me with issues I was struggling with and well, now husband and I are doing much better.
I am not saying you should stay but I am saying that sometimes if we take a different approach it can make all the difference in the world. I have not spoke to either of my stepson in several years. These are boys that my husband had full custody of and I met them when they were 5 & 7, they called me mom. Once they were adults they blamed me for everything and I had to take myself out of their target zone. Well, now my father-in-law is in poor health and has told my SSs and my husband that he is tired of the problems between them and he wants that resolved. I mentioned this to my counselor and he told me that the issues are not about me. The issues lie with the lack of acceptance the boys have for their mother abandoning them and rather than addressing that issue they have to place blame on me, they can't place blame on her (she ran before and they cannot risk losing her love again). Rather than placing myself in a position to please my father-in-law who has been diagnosed with cancer I have chosen to not get involved as far as the boys are concerned. I will show my FIL my respect but I will not go to thru the challenge of trying to work things out with the boys. That is for the boys to figure out with their bio parents.
We all go thru hard situations. I hope my sharing helps you with yours!
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I'm actually going to print everything off and keep it in a file. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done and it's actually making me physically ill. Maybe that should be a sign that things really must change.
God, the stories I could tell! I guess you could say the skids have won, but really, I probably should not look at that way. Feels true though. I disengaged five years ago but I find that when he goes to see them he comes back with a very bad attitude toward me. Of course I don't know what is going on or being said, but it's hard not to conclude that these skids and family are poisoning his mind against me. I don't want to be paranoid, but it is hard not to notice. This is really the thing that has put me over the line. I felt that if I disengaged then I could have some semblance of peace, but I guess it's just not going to work.
I am going to a conference for the next ten days and am half expecting he will have done some stuff while I've been gone. This conference is a big deal for me, as I have been trying to launch a new career and this next ten days is really going to show me whether I am on the right track or not. Either way, I'm going to have to look for a job when I get back.
And that's the other thing. Unconsciously I have isolated myself in this marriage. I stopped working a regular job that I really liked because he retired and I thought we could have some fun together traveling and what not. That didn't pan out either. I don't have friends anymore because people are age mostly make friends through work. I've worked at home in trying to launch my new career--this was my dream.
Sorta looks like I might have to put that dream on hold and get a descent job. I've got a grad degree, but the job market is so tough now that I'm pretty worried about finding something.
SO much stress! really, this board is my only release valve. I hope I can continue to get support from you all here. It means the world. Thank you so much.
You are not alone; remember
You are not alone; remember we are all here!
It use to be that US savings
It use to be that US savings bonds were a good investment. Only YOU and the gov. know the amount et. al.