Cold 13 y/o stepkids
I've been married 3 years. My husband and I have two kids together and he has two from his first marriage who are now 13. Their mom died before the divorce was final, which was extremely tough on them. And my husband because he feels a distance between him and his kids that wasn't there when his ex wife was alive. He thinks they're angry because they were with him instead of their mom when it happened.
Anyway, the kids don't really have behavioral issues, as such. But they are very cold. Not just toward me, but toward the children we have together. They basically ignore them unless their dad or I ask for something, and even then there's no love or emotion there. And when I'm alone with the kids, the house feels very cold. Not that I expect them to love and adore me or anything, but I would like to think we could be friendly or build a nice relationship. The twins seem to prefer when it's just the two of them.
They've gone to counseling in the past and admitted they will always have anger over not being there when their mom died (it was a very sudden death). They also admitted they'll probably never feel like part of the family because of it. All this happened early in our marriage.
There are so many days I wish I could just beg them to give us a chance to be a family, to show them they are loved and wanted by us. But I also know it could backfire and as long as there's nothing too out of the way that I should just leave things as they are. I'd love to know if anyone has experience of things getting better?
It's funny, I was always told it's easier when the kids have lost their mom because you don't have to worry about a BM, but that's not true for this case.
They do. But not regularly.
They do. But not regularly. As for correcting their behvaior... He can't really. They don't do anything to warrant it most of the time and when they do, it's normal teenage stuff that my husband handles well.
Thank you! I really hope that
Thank you!
I really hope that is the case. It would be so nice to see them laugh and smile around us.
They still go, just not
They still go, just not regularly.
They don't do anything that would give him reason to punish them. It's more the way they have that distance and it feels like they'd rather be somewhere else. They don't curse or resist when asked to do something. It's just generally how they seem around us.
I would love it if they did.
I would love it if they did. But when they're fine around others, or at least not as cold as they are with us, it does make me wonder. I think it'll break my husband if it doesn't change.
First off, I'm no therapist.
First off, I'm no therapist. But I will speak from my own experience. My mom died in a motorcycle accident when I was 27. I spent the following 3 years being cold and shut down. I would interact with others, but my emotions were guarded. I effectively desensitized myself. I can't imagine going through the death of a parent at such a young age. I would suggest more counseling for the kids....immediately! In my own experience, the kids will eventually reengage with others and be able to show love again, but it will take some time. I imagine they see your children and feel some sense of jealousy towards them that both of their parents are still alive. It's something they will always have to deal with. Perhaps you may want to go to counseling with them to reassure that them you are not replacing their mom. It may also be good for them to better understand how their behavior affects you.
My father died suddenly when
My father died suddenly when I was ten, nearly eleven so it sounds like just about the same age as your twins. There was no counseling for children in those days. My siblings and I just coped. We did well in school etc but there was an echoing emptiness in our house and our hearts. In one way or another, we were all withdrawn and grieving for years though we all had active social lives. But definitely withdrawn and grieving.
Your twins feel closer to each other than to anyone else, undoubtedly. That's normal for twins anyway. They will undoubtedly spend a lot of time reflecting on mom, feeling guilty, feeling protective, feeling sorrow, feeling worried, feeling lonely, and feeling afraid. That's what grief is. It's a universal human experience and these kids are in it right now. It will probably take more years before they can truly stabilize. But as someone told me when I was that age, they will never get "over it."
Just be your lovely self and make as best a home as you can. The really shocking thing about death is that -- life goes on. These kids probably can't understand how the world kept spinning and traffic didn't stop after they got the news. They've got a lot to work out in their little heads and they will mostly do it together.
Though I have no personal
Though I have no personal equivalent to reference some of the published information indicates that it is actually harder to SParent orphan children who have lost a bio parent.
There is no competing with the idealized fantasy of a deceased parent in the mind or heart of a kid. Overcoming their built in guilt of being disloyal to the deceased fantasy status parent can be an extremely difficult hurdle to pass.
I would suggest that you continue to show them that they are loved and a valued part of your family. When the opportunities arise let them talk about their mom, tell them directly that you are not trying to replace her but that you would like for them to consider you as a trusted adult and for them to eventually engage with you and embrace being their StepMom and the mother of their siblings.
Their guilt over not being with their mom when she passed unexpectedly will pass eventually. Give them the time, space and support to process through it.
Of course that does not mean that inappropriate behavior in the home or towards anyone in the family should be tolerated on the least. Grief is no excuse for toxic behavior.
I agree that they need to be in regular counseling whether they want to go or not. Also, I would make sure they are in separate sessions with different therapists. Their twin bond may be exacerbating the grief/recovery cycle if they are taking a team approach to disengaging from their dad and the rest of the family. If their therapy is done at the individual level and with separate therapists who coordinate their tactics it may help break down the walls of emotion and guilt.
I have no clue if this is common psychology treatment strategy for siblings struggling with the loss of a parent but it makes sense to my engineeric brain. To determine the root cause of a system failure you have to isolate all of the elements of the system to see which are functioning and which harbor the failure condition. The failure can be the result of issues in multiple elements of the system. I would say it makes sense to work on their issues separately.
Deep breaths.
Take care of yourself.