F'd up family issues
Hi everyone! So happy to have found this site to know I'm not alone.
My fiance and I have been together for nearly two years. We have a 7 month old baby together. I have a 4 year old boy from a previous relationship and he has a 6 year old boy from a previous relationship. And I cannot stand his son!!! He makes my life absolutely miserable, but my fiance doesn't help at all. My son is with us all week and goes to his dad's every other weekend. His son is with us every weekend and I hate every second he is with us. Basically, his son is a serious attention seeking little brat. He constantly needs attention and he whines until he gets it. Every time I try to discipline him, my fiance will say (in front of the boy, mind you) "He isn't even doing anything wrong" or "Leave him alone, he's nothing compared to your son". I know I am severely biased, but I totally think my son is way easier to handle and he's not attention seeking 24/7.
I had a huge fight with my fiance last night, because he told his son to go to bed THREE TIMES and was extremely calm about it. I told him that I thought it was sad his son didn't listen to him the first time. Because if it were my son and he didn't listen to my fiance the first time, he would make him go to time-out. He said when we first got together, he didn't really bond with my son but he made himself realize that he has to get along with him in order for our relationship to work. He said I "nit-pick" at everything to shout at his son, which is totally not true. Everything he does gets on my nerves.
What can I do to make it easier to deal with this crappy situation!?!
Also, I just wanted to add, I
Also, I just wanted to add, I have a fantastic relationship with BM. She is very supportive and we are with her as well. She tells me that SS says he loves me at her house and he's always excited to come with us. I just don't understand the barrier and why I don't feel it the same way back?
Your problem is your husband.
Your problem is your husband. If he's not correcting the behavior, then you seriously need to disengage. At this point, all you're doing is driving a wedge between you and DH. (Pssst. This? " He said I "nit-pick" at everything to shout at his son, which is totally not true. Everything he does gets on my nerves." The second sentence completely contradicts the first. If *everything* he does gets on your nerves, then you're nit-picking. Pick your battles.)
I will say that six is more challenging than four in a lot of ways. They push more boundaries to see what they can get away with. But it's the parent's job (the PARENT) to keep those boundaries firm. And if your DH won't do it, then you need to leave him to deal with the consequences. Won't enforce bedtime? Then HE is the one to attend to a cranky over-tired child in the morning. All questions, even as simple as "Can I have a drink?" should be answered, "It's fine with me but you better ask your Dad."
My SS9 is horrible attention
My SS9 is horrible attention seeker. The second DH is home all I hear is Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad....he comes up with excuses to get my DH to get up and do things FOR him that he could do on his own. Also, ya my DH is at fault he gives no rules and SS9 has no rules at his mother's house either. So, he completely gets on my nerves, but I disengage and turn it off in my brain, not my deal, its all on DH to deal with.
Now your SS may just want the attention because he is only there on weekends and your son may be easier just because he is there basically all the time and has a set of rules and boundaries and expectations he is used to day in and day out. SS may not have the same rules or expectations at his mom's and that's not to say she is bad, just different. My DDs have slightly different rules at my house compared to their dad's (he's more strict honestly).
This is tough. I really like
This is tough. I really like what the first two comments suggest and I agree. My DH and I have been married for almost six years and he has only recently begun disagreeing with me in terms of chores, discipline, etc..IN FRONT OF HIS KIDS, which completely undermines me. We have five kids together; the rules of this house are different than my older kids' dad's house AND skids' BM's house- so being "fair" in terms of chores and expectations is a must. My skids (10, twin boys) are massive attention-seekers and one of them is developing a really belligerent attitude; both of them have big mouths and neither have any idea when it's best to just follow directions and not have to have the last word. So when DH undermines rather than discussing later, it's truly not conducive to a good blended family environment. We are working on this and I think we had a breakthrough last weekend- but sadly I can't seem to even bring myself to speak to skids until we've had time to sit down and process as a family. So we're just in a "holding pattern". I have known these kids since they were three and things could be much better than they are- when we were first together I thought I could come to love them in an unconditional way but I now have my doubts. I'm trying not to write the ending. Anyway disengaging is the route I've gone as of late- and it makes DH a bit annoyed when I refer them to him for simple things but...
You are not alone!!! Hang in there!