I know we don't always get to pick who we fall in love with and the same goes for their children.

I've been with my partner now for nearly 7 years and we've recently become engaged. Things were pretty good for a while although we have constantly had very stressful issues with his daughter. My partner used to have a 60/40 custody arrangement (we used to have her 40% of the time) and every visit there was at least 1 huge blowout. There was always a full-out screaming temper tantrum over the smallest things. It would always end up in a battle of will. Whether it was because she didn't want to wake up, she didn't want to eat ANYTHING or she simply heard the word NO. I should also let you know that she was 6 when we started seeing each other. The last 5 years have been the biggest test of my sanity, I can assure you! Dealing with dad was never easy either. He always seemed to make excuses for her outlandish behavior and the only thing we EVER argued about was her. He knew she was out of control and finally approached his ex-wife but all she did was blame him for the problem. Finally after a couple of years they decided to take her to a psychologist. It didn't work out too well. This particular counselor traveled a lot and would also tend to automatically side with the child making her ask for the counselor every time something didn't go her way. It lasted only about 5 sessions (if that). As the years went on, the behavior became worse. She refused to accept life here and at her mother's. She constantly plays the victim and ignores every attempt we make to include her in our regular activities/home life. I've gone out of my way and done nice things for her to make it obvious I'm including her and she throws it back at me every time. If I go out and buy her something, it's not enough or I don't do it enough. It's sickening and incredibly frustrating.

Over the past 2 years, things have escalated so badly that I've considered leaving my partner more than once. Now, before you judge understand that I am not the type of person to just up and leave when times get tough. I simply got to the point where it got so bad that if I told it all to you, you would think I was making it up or exaggerating! To help you understand a bit, lets talk about her mother. Let's just say that her mother isn't the nicest person and often gets very lazy when parenting. Now, I know we all have to pick our battles with kids (I should add that I have two kids myself - aged 14 and 11). I know this all too well. But when it really matters we have to throw out a little tough love and stick to whatever punishment or rule that we put in place. It's common sense really but not always easy. My SD's mother is one of the laziest people I have ever encountered. She coddles her kids and then when there are problems, she just blames my partner. Everything wrong with my SD is always HIS fault! It drives me insane! We've tried so many times to give her the benefit of the doubt but every time it ends up biting us in the ass!

So, let me explain how bad things have escalated in these past 2 years. First, we have had the ex-wife drive over 30 min to our house (she normally never comes here - my partner does all the picking up and travelling) on THREE different occasions to pick her up because the SD has called her to complain that she got in trouble or has the flu and isn't allowed to leave her room. She cuts my partners legs right out from underneath him every time he tries to discipline. The last time this happened was because she had a melt down in the car on the way home from the sitters because she willfully decided not to do her chores the last time she was down and didn't earn her wifi for the week (the kids were starting to get lazy so we put a point system in place - to earn wifi you had to do maybe 3 things). We warned her when she was down last that she wouldn't have it and she said she didn't care. Well, the next time she came down, she screamed and kicked (she was 12) and was incredibly rude and disrespectful. She got to our house and snuck the phone in her room and called her mother and her mother came down (without speaking to my partner) and picked her up. My partner told her that if she did this again that she wasn't allowed back until she apologized for her behavior and showed more respect. At this point she was causing so much uproar in our house that my kids even started hating her. My daughter who was 9 at the time used to look up to her and now can't stand it when she's around. Getting back to my story, my SD left with her mother that day and removed us from FB and didn't contact us for over 3 months!! Neither did the mother until one day she couldn't handle the attitude and outbursts so she messaged my partner and told him that he was a deadbeat and needed to take his daughter. He told her the same thing he told his daughter - that until there was an apology that she wasn't welcome. Now, you need to understand something. These blow outs weren't just little bits of hormonal attitude that would come out and evoke a fight. These blow outs were just that - blow outs! Her mother would never discipline her and when my partner would ask her to have his back on something, she would decline saying he was wrong. My SD would tell him that he was a horrible parent and talk back. She'd scream NO at him. She would scream at the top of her lungs. She would deface property in the house; etc.

Finally he ended up contacting her when her mother told him that she had spoken with the couselor at her school. apparently she had been talking to her because she said she was being bullied and was cutting herself. The school also called home about her not eating at school (that one has been going on for some time but nothing fixed it). So, my partner contacted her and started seeing her in small doses. He'd take her out to see his family here and there or just out for hot chocolate and a chat. He found things were going ok because she was getting all of the attention she could get and didn't have any responsibilities. She went to the doctor and was put on prozac which her mother refused to put her on and then started seeing a psychologist. She hates her psychologist. The doctor said she is very intelligent but very manipulative - YOU THINK?? So, just recently she stated coming down again for 3 days every other week. It has all stated again. I have tried having heart-to-hearts with her and they seem to go well but then the second she hears no, it starts all over again. We decided that when she started coming down again that we would treat her as a guest meaning no responsibilities except to pick up after herself. She loved that. She loved sitting in the living room with her ipod stuck to her face while everyone else had to do chores. We thought that by doing this, it would eliminate some of the tension. It didn't. It only got worse. two weeks ago she came down and had a fit over eating her fish. After trying to get her to eat, my partner sent her to her room to get ready for bed. After 10 min he went up to talk to her. He sat down and tried to use the tactics recommended by the psychologist (don't yell because then she wins - she sees yelling as attention). That didn't work. She started screaming at him and yelling at me. Screaming no to his face and telling him he's wrong and a bad parent. She then screamed that she hated everyone in this house. I had to leave. It was THAT BAD! See my partner doesn't want me involved because he thinks that if i do, it'll only make it worse, so I try to stay out of it as much as possible but it's extremely hard. i hate seeing him treated this way and I hate having to put my kids through this. I didn't see her again until last night. And guess what? Another blow out - this time over pork. Oh and she's not too happy because her ipod was taken away by her mother (finally!). My SD hid her ipod so her mother couldn't take it so all of the chargers in the house were removed. I again had to leave the house because it was so bad. My kids were in bed and I couldn't handle listening to the disrespect and snottiness! I ended up getting a phone call from my son asking me to come home (I was at a friend's house up the road) because he couldn't sleep and she was screaming. I came home and told her to stop her crap. I proceeded to get ready for bed and went upstairs. This all finally ended about an hour after I went upstairs. I've never seen anything like it. It's ridiculous and I really don't know how much more I can take!

There is so much more to my story but don't have the time (or energy) to type it all out right now. I can't stand the look of her anymore and just knowing that she's coming here raises my blood pressure. (I should mention that the day after the last blow out, I ended up getting a trip in the ambulance to the hospital because of chest pains and dizziness - I have a history with hypertension). This has gone way too far and I love my partner, but I want nothing to do with his daughter. I've spent 7 years dealing with this crap and I keep giving her chances but it's all in vain!

Anyone with similar experiences? Help!