Boyfriend with Adult Son Living at Home
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now and we are very happy together. I am hoping we will be able to live together sometime soon but I do have some reservations regarding his adult son who still lives at home.
His son has not worked for almost a year after being laid off. He doesn't appear to be very motivated, is very introverted and spends most of his time up in his room on his computer or listening to music; he usually is up until 2 or 3:00 in the morning and does not get up until the late afternoon.
My concern is that this kid is never going to move out. My BF is a nice man and not a tough parent by any stretch of the imagination and it doesn't seem to bother him that his son is still at home. If this was my kid I would be pushing him to job search and get a life. Should I talk to my BF about my concerns or wait until a discussion of living together comes up?
We decided for me to stay
We decided for me to stay there for one week this month as we are planning a vacation in November and he suggested this as a way to be sure we won't kill each other (which I think is highly unlikely) when together for a week. That segued into a short talk about how we manage things at home - bills, etc. Right now due to distance we only see each other on the weekends. When we talked about this I asked if his son's habits are any different during the week and they are not. As he is not dumb as a stump I imagine he knows that I am not crazy about the fact that his son still lives at home but I have not come right out and asked what his thoughts are.
"I imagine" means you have
"I imagine" means you have not actually discussed it. You cannot assume he is on the same page.
How old is the son? Has he
How old is the son? Has he ever lived on his own?
It's tough in the first year or so of dating. You don't live together yet and it can feel weird bringing stuff like that up, like you are overstepping. I, myself, am pretty outspoken so I would probably voice my concerns.
Do you know what kind of work the son did? Maybe you could make suggestions about where he could put in some applications. Ya know, just being helpful.
It really depends on your relationship with your boyfriend and what you feel comfortable with. I definitely would NOT move in until the son moved out, with the stipulation that he not move back in.
Why on Earth is your boyfriend letting his adult son act like a teenager in the first place? Obviously, your boyfriend is supporting him and in doing so, is allowing him to just be a lazy mooch. Not very becoming.
He is 25
He is 25
He seems to be okay with it
He seems to be okay with it from what I can see. Maybe I should just suck it up and talk to him about my concerns and see what his response is and go from there. With the exception of this issue this is the best relationship I have had in a long time.
Have you seen your boyfriend
Have you seen your boyfriend on the weekends only, for the whole relationship?
Yes, he lives an hour away so
Yes, he lives an hour away so we take turns staying at each other's homes on the weekend. He works close to where he lives and I work about 20 mins away from my place.
Until cohabitation is
Until cohabitation is immenant I would not sweat this at all.
When cohabitation with your BF is immenance then I wold insist on you and your BF getting your own place together and both moving out of your current places which will leave your BF's leeching adult spawn on the curb to fend for himself.
I wouldn't bring it up until
I wouldn't bring it up until BF proposes or invites you to move in together (if that's your thing). Then be all loving but surprised and say, "But you already have a roommate, I don't understand?" If he doesn't get the message just from that alone then you say something like, "Surely you're not asking me to live with TWO men?"
You wait until he asks because it's not until that point that you know he really wants you. You won't be talking him into making major changes in his life when he is only feeling lukewarm or indecisive himself. I would not recommend opening the topic as if you were two plenaries sent to the Hague to prepare the way for Heads of State to sign an accord. You should not be in the position of being the petitioner anyway.
YOU are your own head of state. There is no treaty in front of you. If you lose interest in him before he proposes, so be it. Move on with your life. Who cares what happens to his son.
We have had a very brief
We have had a very brief discussion about the issues and I am going to stay there next week to see how things go. I told him I would not be comfortable living there while his son was there so he knows where I am coming from and he feels we will be able to make things work. It will either work out or it won't. To respond to one of the comments of why don't we just keep our own living arrangements - that is not what I am looking for, some continuity would be nice.