Really have no idea what to do here
My stepdaughter is 12 and is with us half the time. She has for 5 years. She told her dad that she wants to be with her mom more. He listened and asked her why. SHe said that she misses her mom. Her mom just went through cancer treatment so this seems normal. But my husband wants to be sure that she's okay and doing this on her own so he made an appointment for her to see a family counselor. Then he emailed his ex to tell her (she already knew, she was the one who told my husband that their daughter wanted to change). She flew off the handle, told my husband it wasn't his decision and then she called her daughter and told her that a child needs to be with both parents and that she is shocked that her dad is agreeing to it. So now my husband is the bad guy. My stepdaughter was crying all morning. We don't know what to do. My husband thinks that maybe his ex planted the seed never thinking that he'd agree to it and now that he has she's panicking because she doesn't want her daughter that much. But she can't tell that to her daughter so she's blaming her dad! Its so crazy. We don't know what to do.
My husband already told his
My husband already told his daughter that he will make it happen if it's what she wants.
Well, I think that's the
Well, I think that's the point. The father IS willing to allow it but the BM expected him to deny it so she wouldn't have to.
Is that correct, op?
The BM is twisting the narrative so now it sounds like dad doesn't want the child at HIS house and BM is the valiant defender of Father/Daughter relationships.
OP, I would have dh make a clear statement that little girl is very much wanted at his house. I would also have dh tell little girl that her mom is understandably stressed and emotional right now and we will all have to cut her some slack when she gets confused or has forgotten something.
That's what my husband told
That's what my husband told his daughter, pretty much. SHe screamed at him "Mommy told me you won't let me live with her!!!" That is a LIE.
She has never behaved like
She has never behaved like this before. It was more of a heart wrenching cry than a scream. She's a mess because her dad said she could live with her mom more and her mom said she couldn't. But she already talked to her mom about this! Her mom called my husband and told him this is what their daughter wanted. The whole thing is so confusing. Heres how it happened:
Ex to my husband: kid wants to live with me full time.
My husband: I will talk to kid
Husband to kid: what's going on? what do you want?
Kid to husband: I want to spend more time with mom.
Husband to kid: okay
Husband to ex: kid wants to be with you more, let's figure it out.
Ex to kid: I can't believe Daddy doesn't want you!
Yes, that's exactly it. So
Yes, that's exactly it. So what is my husband supposed to do now.
That's really good advice,
That's really good advice, thank you.
Sounds like bm planned on
Sounds like bm planned on making dh sound like the bad guy. Bm plays this game as much as possible with sd. She calls dh and gives him the run down of what sd does at her house "since dh is so much better at disciplining than she is."
I think the planned visit to
I think the planned visit to the family counselor should be kept regardless of what the child and/or BM is now stating.
At 12 with a mother who just had a cancer scare and treatments, the little girl likely has some fears and confusion. Suddenly Mom has a moment in mom's life that leaves the kiddo feeling uncertain, wanting to perhaps cling to mom, is recently blocking you out and reminding you decisions are her mother's and father's blah blah. I don't think letting the child make major self decisions right now are in her best interest. Let Sd spend a few extra nights now and then with Mom kinda 'off the record' without making household custody time changes that are perhaps unneeded and/or to rash in the current situation. Making school decisions, living arrangements...this kid is 12. While I agree with listening to a child's concerns and hearing her input , she is in no way old enough to make her own decisions. An outside counselor gives SD the opportunity to talk to someone other than mom or dad. It also gives her a chance to explore her feelings about herself and each individual parent without feeling put on the spot or hurting one parents or both parents feeling.
I totally agree and so does
I totally agree and so does my husband. He's on the phone with his ex now. She said she didn't want her daughter seeing a therapist when he emailed her about it. I hope he's able to get her to agree to it. They all need some help right now! I agree that 12 isn't old enough to make those decisions. Her dad has had 50% custody since she was 5. To see her turn her back on him now is hard.
Good to know. My husband
Good to know. My husband already connected his daughter with the school counselor. They meet once a month or so, she really likes her. That was to help her deal with her mom's cancer. Her mom is in full recovery, thankfully, but my husband was concerned and wanted his daughter to have some extra support. His ex (her mom) got really upset and at first she forbid her daughter going to see the counselor but she liked her so much she had to give in.