My girlfriend doesn't like my kids - what can I do?

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I adore a woman who doesn't like my kids. We have been together for 1 year, and I love her tremendously. Unfortunately, she and my ex-wife had a conflict, my ex was rude to her and now, my gf sees reflections of my ex whenever my daughters come over and they remind her how much disdain she has for my ex. To make matters worse, my ex has manipulated my kids into not liking my girlfriend, so the situation is getting worse and worse. But I love my gf and want to spend the rest of my life with her. Is there a way to repair or improve the relationship between my gf and my kids?

Step up and be a parent. That

Step up and be a parent. That will resolve the issues. If your kids do not treat your GF with respect, then set the behavioral expectation and hold them accountable for complying with it. It will not take long before the consequences for their behaviors modify those behaviors. Even if the source of your kid's bullshit behavior towards your GF is your XW the kids should be the ones who are held accountable for acceptable behavior.

When your GF sees you being an active parent in dealing with this she just may temper her perspective a bit.

For sure set boundaries for BM and keep her pummeled into submission and well confined within the boundaries you set.

Your GF also needs to step up and be a mature adult and an equity partner to you in in all of this. That includes being an equity parent to any children in your marital home which you have to support her in being.

Good luck.

It could work if she's not

It could work if she's not insecure and immature.

Thanks you... very true! ^^^^

I have been there and it does

I have been there and it does not mean that she is not mature... sometimes the kids act just like the bitter, asshole, the ex is. That is what they see all the coming from her that is exactly the way they will be acting! So no it is not the new gf is the ex wife putting the kids up to it and the man NOT parenting, but pleading with his kids which is a completely different thing.

I have been there and it does

Well, the fact that you say

Well, the fact that you say "My girlfriend doesn't like my kids" first, rather than "my ex-wife turned my kids against my girlfriend" tells me that deep down you blame your girlfriend for the problem rather than the ex-wife and kids. This is probably your biggest problem with your girlfriend, because believe me, she can sense that you see her as the "wicked stepmother."

You need to decide if you want this relationship (or any relationship, for that matter) or if you're going to spend your life victimized by your ex-wive and manipulated by your daughters. If you actually want a life for yourself, then get behind your girlfriend 100%, see her as the #1 person in your life, treat her like you cherish her above all others, and then she will be more emotionally able to learn to love your daughters. If you're going to spend your life victimized and manipulated, go ahead and give your balls to your daughters now and don't involve any other woman in the deception that you need a girlfriend or wife because that position is already taken by your daughters.

BINGO! I had the exact same

BINGO!

I had the exact same idea when I saw that he blamed the GF first. Can OP please clarify the order of things?

The most likely order was:
1. GF and EX had a spat. I'd like to know what it was about. (Where was OP anyway when this happened, and how did he even LET this happen? Did he put his ex-wife in her place?)
2. Ex-wife manipulating kids into hating GF and disrespecting her (which normal, sane people would not do so number 1 may have been likely BM asserting her position.)
3. GF now, after taking some of the abuse, sees mini-exes (because they do what their mom tells them to do) every time they come over and hates it.

Send your GF to this board--I'm going to tell her to RUN.

^^^^^^^ LMAO!!!!!

Applause for KatieLee! Who is

Applause for KatieLee!

Who is in control of your life? Right now it sounds like all these females control you. Your ex-wife, your little girls, your girlfriend. In that order with the GF trailing far behind the others. Of course she dislikes that.

Be a man and be a dad. Tell your kids in this house we are kind and respectful. Period. You don't even have to mention it specifically about the GF. Why would you tolerate snotty, mean behavior by your girls under ANY circumstances? Give them that rule and then enforce it. Every time.

Next, why is your ex-wife causing drama in your house or anywhere near you? What payoff is she getting? Shut down the payoff and make it clear her life is nunya bidness and vice versa. Cut down the phone calls and various forms of non-essential communications. Don't go running to her house fixing her water heater. If she pulls out her trump card, "but YOUR daughters have no hot water!" pull out YOUR trump card, "Sure they do. I'll have them at my house until you get your situation under control. Can't get your situation under control ever? Good luck with that, girls live with me now and your child support has just come to a permanent end." Make it all businesslike.

I think there are many clues in your post that you have loose boundaries with ex wife and with your daughters. No one will like your children if they are not likable. Teach them to be good citizens and they will be liked. If your gf had an ex who was all up in her business all the time and felt he could get all up in yours, too, you wouldn't like that. So stop feeling helpless and take control of your own life and set firm boundaries. You will then become irresistible to flocks of women, let alone your gf, and your kids will become popular and welcome everywhere. Do it.

Great advise katielee!!!!!!

Amen!!!!!! Thank YOU! Great

Amen!!!!!! Thank YOU! Great observation!

Yes! What katielee said.

If you don't think you can

If you don't think you can implement the advice given to you so far, you may want to wait until your kids are older to get into a serious relationship.

You have to have REALLY thick

You have to have REALLY thick skin to be a SM. If your girlfriend is a strong, mature and secure person, anything that may come from BM should slide right off of her. I've always just laughed at the stupid things BM has said to us and to SD.

I realize there are situations where this is near impossible at times because of false accusations, etc., and it can become overwhelming if the kids are with you a lot. This is when SM/SO may have to remove themselves.

I appreciate all the

I appreciate all the feedback, and I will provide more clarity. My two girls are 13 and 17. This all started when my two daughters, my gf and I went to dinner. My 17 yr old - (16 at the time) -was being rude to my gf. When we got home, my gf went downstairs in our condo to work out. I was reprimanding my daughter when she said "whatever" to me and I got pretty pissed at her. She immediately called her mom to come pick her up. I texted my gf to have her come up. She was talking cordially with my daughter, who apologized. My gf walked my daughter outside to wait for her mom because it was night time ans my gf didn't want her to be alone. When my ex pulled up, my gf went over to talk with her and explain what happened. But my ex said "don't even talk to me right now". She was rude to my gf right in front of both my kids, and all my gf did was try to help.

If your daughters are usually

If your daughters are usually not rude or incorrect toward your girlfriend and that was an isolated issue with BM, sorry to say that I think GF is overreacting.
You disciplined your DD after she was rude to GF; DD apologized. Your GF has to deal with your daughters and not with BM: she should not even be comparing them. Sorry but this comes out as childish behaviour from your GF but, of course, information is scarce and I may be out of line here.

10:30 at night when the girl

10:30 at night when the girl was picked up.

Secondly, when the girl was crying like she was innocent and the father was so hurt and sobbing at the same time, what would you do if you were me? Would you let the girl go downstairs to wait for her mother all by herself at 10:30 pm out on the street? Would you let him bring her down?

Sure, the girl could speak for herself. What could she say? How fair or objective could a 16-year-old girl say to her mother?

He should not have let the girl pick up the phone and call her mother. Her mother should never had come pick her up.

Can't you see that he was unable to manage his own daughter or his ex-wife's ridiculous behaviors?

blululu, are you the

blululu, are you the girlfriend in this incident? Sounds like you are. So glad you came here.

When we were first married sdthen13 was spinning out of control with the spite and hostility and bad behavior. I was going out of my mind. My groom and I were spending 100% of our time dealing with it. Just what honeymooners want. cough, cough.

So one particularly bad day I was home alone with sdthen13 and dh calls me. He was angry that he had just learned that sd was "using the backchannel" to plead her case to her mom. Meaning she fed a sob story to bm via phone. Thankfully for us, BM called dh right away for the "real story." So sd was outed right away. The 2 parents talked it over and then dh called and talked it over with me. The 3 of us adults collectively decided we'd all be better off if BM came and picked her up.

It was up to me to knock on skid's door and let her know that her mother was coming. Skid smugly proclaimed, "I texted her!" I calmly said, "I know." I wanted her to know she hadn't pulled off the grand Spy Caper of 2013. I also made sure she knew that the 3 of us adults decided she was going with bm. She was not simply "getting her wish" just for the asking. No way did we want her to think it was up to BM to "rescue" her from our house on demand by sd.

The point of the story is that sometimes it does serve the cause to get the skid outta the house and back at BM's. In general it's not a great habit to get into, but under certain circumstances it's the right thing to do. It was for us that day and it sounds like during this incident it was the right thing for your family.

Also wanted to say it will take your bf more than one weekend to get out of some very bad habits he has been in with his x-wife. But it can get better. It really can.

ETA: Just re-read your post. You did NOT want him to let her call mom. Well, in general that IS the right answer. I wrote my story to be supportive to you, not to disagree with you. But this incident is over, maybe it's just as well the 2 of you got some space from her that night. But I do strongly agree, it's to be used sparingly.

That incident happened about

That incident happened about three months into the relationship. BM, unfortunately, did not return any of my 3 or 4 emails over the course of a year asking her for her inputs and how to deal with her daughter's emotional state toward her father, nor did she respond to any requests of any communication or a cordial relaitonship. To be more clear, BM even asked their family's therapist to pass on the message directly. The only communication she'd done was about scheduiing or switching visitations to accommodate their schedules. When he asked for accommodations, she would respond harshly and very negatively in general.

In this case, over time, her daughters picked up her message. One time, as I was picking up the younger daughter from school, I could not reach her. Later on, it was discovered that my number was "unknowingly" blocked on her phone. The biggest suspect was his 17 year old daughter, but the mother had nothing to say about it. The conclusion came from some pieces of information which I am not going to write here.

Much has happened. That was not the sole incident that drained all my hope and patience. I cannot change others. I cannot discipline someone else's children who share very different values as I do. It's very painful and stressful.

Changes don't come easily or happen overnight. It takes time. At this point, the 17-yr-old has not been speaking to her own father. She even wrote to her father that she loved her step-father because the SF was always there for her. This is a quote from her email. However, she completely shut her father out when he asked her about her life. She also wrote in her email that she did not care about my niceness.

In that incident, as the 13-yr-old was present, the father texted the then 16-year-old to let her know about her bad behavior and that she should apologize. She responded "whatever." He was furious and then she cried. Then, she called the bm. I came upstairs from the gym seeing both of them crying and the 13-yr-old sit quietly. I went in to comfort my boyfriend (the father) and came out to address the then 16-year-old. As she apologized in tears, immediately I comforted her with appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and explanations. For the following three months, she continued to believe "we were still so mad at her" from nowhere. Truly, from nowhere. We still asked her about her life when she visited. We cared about her interests and her accomplishments. Her attitude was really closed up and she continued to exihibit a victimized mentality. Her father eventually was so scared to say more to make her more upset and make her pull away even farther.

Where do you all experienced readers think her bias come from? My immaturity? My imagination?

People who are close to me told me that it's nothing personal. Any one in my shoe is subject to the abuse, given the cirumstance.

Yes, many of us here have

Yes, many of us here have experienced similar "impersonal" hate and crazy thinking from skids, particularly the teens. Don't know why so many people instantly accepted your bf's razor thin analysis of what happened. My dh has received such hateful letters from sd15 that he won't even share them with me. We DO see her constantly, he knows every detail of her life, provides for her top to bottom, and BM is neglectful and emotionally absent. But DH and ChiefGrownUp are the girl's problem! I've also been screamed at that I'm too nice and she's sick of it!

So please, stay around, you will find some good support here if you give us a chance. My other piece of advice is stop communicating with the ex at all. I do some pickup and various for my stepson but I never ever have to call BM, don't even have her number. I talk to dh, he talks to her. And bm and I have a "good" relationship! We are cordial to each other when we see each other (at least once a week). We say "have a good weekend." I gave her some herbal tea when she was sick. All just honky dory. But we don't have each other's numbers. Almost all "real" communication goes between DH and BM and between DH and me.

Save yourself some drama. Consider the "blocked" number a gift in disguise.

Why did you wait until AFTER

Why did you wait until AFTER dinner to correct her behavior instead of right when it happened? This is a HUGE issue with me and DH. He brings up the issue days later with SD which leaves me hurt and confused as to why it wasnt dealt with right then. That would have prevented this whole mess.

also, when I say my gf sees

also, when I say my gf sees my ex in my kids it is because they look like her physically.

GF being kind enough to walk

GF being kind enough to walk the girl out and wait with her doesn't sound like she dislikes them much. Also sounds good that they resolved their problem together and good that your daughter apologized. Also good on you that you didn't let your kid act bad without calling her out and teaching her.

So now we need more details because the girls looking like their mother might be slightly annoying but there's nothing anyone can do about it and the problem doesn't seem very large. My ss13 looks exactly like his mother which is not my favorite thing but I adore the child and would move heaven and earth for him. I dislike my sd15 because she's mean and unlikeable, don't really care what she looks like.

Over time your gf will develop whatever feelings she has about each child according to her experience of them. The incident you describe doesn't sound too terrible to me. Just make sure everybody knows the rules of civilization and keep showing your gf what a priority she is.

So maybe we need more details because I feel the advice I gave before may not have fit the situation so maybe we still need more.

Well, you got it. Physical

Well, you got it.

Physical appearance is only a closer and constant reminder of the ex-wife's tyrannies. This was never an issue until the mother started to show her true colors.

As a female, aren't we all more defensive for our mothers? When a mother is a tyrant who is malicious, mean, unfair, bitter, and manipulative, how does all that not spill over to the girls' perceptions, especially when the girls stay with the mother and the step-father most of the time?

I love kids. I opened my arms to be nice and accepting to the girls. I am also a teacher. I understand kids. When a divorced father had done nothing but succumbed to the ex-wife's tyrannies for the sake of "peace" for almost ten years, and a new woman came in to implement necessary changes to restore the father's dignity and authority, it is bound to cause a strong reaction.

It probably wasn't a good

It probably wasn't a good idea for your GF to wait with your daughter for her mother to get there...and then to also try and explain what happened. I think you should have done that. Now there is tension between your ex and your GF, if there wasn't already.

Here's my take, ... I'm

Here's my take, ... I'm guessing it won't be popular...

Not all (NOT ALL) but A LOT of men are not good parents after they split from their ex-wives. Most times, fathers get less time with their kids than the mothers... They have absolutely No Idea how to be a parent, and since they're genuinely FREAKED out with their new 'situation' and the reduced amount of time they see their kids, they kiss their kids asses, see them as babies regardless of their age, and let their kids run a muck with terrible, rude behavior and a total lack of rules or discipline because they're so afraid they will lose their kids. This is enforced by their horrific ex wives who tend to play the Ex husband like a fiddle knowing the dynamic, and feeding into it by manipulating the kids.

Often when or if the ex husband tries to employ some actual parenting, the kids react badly... They complain to their mother, (probably with prompting and questioning from their mother) and the mother plants more seeds ("well, now that he has a girlfriend, your father's priorities have changed...") or whatever BS the bitch plants in their heads.

The only way you will have a 'normal' relationship with any other woman, be it your current GF or a new one, is if YOU step up. YOU Have to do things that are likely WAY outside your comfort zone and stand up to your entire Ex family dynamic and put your foot down with your ex and your kids. Your kids are NOT babies. You have to fix this, and you have to remain vigilant about what you're doing and not cut your ex and your kids ANY slack with whatever rules and boundaries you establish because they will pick and claw at you until you back peddle or cave.

You might actually "Lose" one or both of your kids for a while if you do these things... That is the truth - and if that happens it will be entirely a result of your ex wife's next actions and/or the things she will say to the kids. Whatever your ex tells them, they will believe. You will never win in a situation with a bat crap crazy ex wife, she will 'get at you' even if it means effing up her kids. Know that.

So if you "keep the peace" and live this way, which it seems a LOT Of men do, then you will lose your GF and any GF you ever have.

Take your power back. Your life is different now. Be a man, not a disney dad walking around with your head up your ass.

That's what I think about your situation. It's entirely your fault. Period. Dot.

You're right on about his

You're right on about his situation.

She doesn't have to like your

She doesn't have to like your kids. I don't much care for my husband's kids, but I was never mean or nasty to them. They were irrelevant to me and my life with DH and our kids. If she is childless, she probably sees the playing field as being uneven, which can cause resentment. While I don't actively hate my skids, I would prefer it if they didn't exist. It would have made it a lot easier to have a normal relationship with my man.

That incident happened about

Where do you all experienced readers think her bias come from? My immaturity? My imagination?

People who are close to me told me that it's nothing personal. Any one in my shoe is subject to the abuse, given the cirumstance.

Many more things have obviously happened. The 17-year-old continued to project that her father had been ignoring her, while ignoring some of the texts from him. Asking her to spend two hours on his weekend to talk about it here was a no.

The situation is very toxic. As a single woman who does not have children or have any first-hand experiene with divorces, all this has really taken an emotional toll on me and my relaitonship. Their mother's shadow is so strong that I physically and emotionally have not been able to handle even having the 13-year-old present in the house on his weekend, quite an 180 degree opposite of what it used to be when I was still hopeful, strong, and fair. Knowing his daughter's pending arrival alone is enough to put me in distress for hours to come. It's got to this place. She brings a piece of her mother into my safe place. That's what it is to me now.

Unfortunately, because you

Unfortunately, because you are NOT the girls mother, you shouldn't be contacting/dealing with the BM. I don't know why or how that was foisted upon you, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Trust us when we say, that will, and already has, backfired. I know you're going to say you were trying to help, and that you think if you're going to share a life with this man that you should have an equal say and action in dealing with the girls, but unfortunately it's only going to make things worse. Stop contacting BM. Period. Stop being the mediator because you're making things worse. BM ONLY wants communication with the dad, and she only wants it to be about logistic issues--which is her right and boundary which you and your BF must respect, funny because most of our members would dearly LOVE for our BMs to ONLY contact our SOs about logistics. So, for your health and sanity, please stop. It annoys me that you probably got given this job because your SO was unable to deal with his ex effectively, and therefore found it easier for you to do so.

I don't disagree that that only toxic people can treat those who are trying their best to love the ones they love like shit, but, and this may hurt to hear, it isn't your job to be the glue that holds his family together. That was his job. Him giving you that job put you all here in the first place.

I don't doubt the kids bring a piece of their BM in--their BM may not be saying anything outright about how she feels about all of you, but her passive permissiveness for disrespect to you and your SO (even when they are at her house, telling her what they did/how much they dislike you/their dad) will inevitably make the kids project their mothers feelings and even actions into your home.

I have to say, both of you made mistakes in dealing with a toxic person. Your BF for putting you in this position, and you for being in the position he put you in. Your BF needs to stop imagining and idealizing the perfect family situation where you and the ex-wife deal with all the "kids stuff" together and he and the SF drink a beer in the background. That ship has loooong sailed.

Now, about the 17 year old. She is at a very difficult stage in her life--we forget that at 17, they are coming into their own as young women, and their view of men will be changing, so they're testing the waters with their relationships and redefining boundaries. Without a healthy role model to know what is proper and what isn't, she will have drawn harmful/toxic boundaries, like the one you guys have now. Once again, this isn't your job to fix. Her dad should be fixing it WITHOUT dragging you into this. It's his kids, his responsibility.

I appreciated you taking the

I appreciated you taking the time to share your inputs.

When the ex-wife's current husband got involved and wrote to my boyfriend starting many years ago, he did get respectful responses from my boyfriend. And, her current husband received no opposition from my boyfriend in the girls' lives. So, now, if she had allowed her husband to write to my boyfriend, why couldn't she respond to my messages the same way? If she couldn't handle it, she should not have let her husband get invovolved, should she have?

This was only a tip of the iceberg about the ex-wife. She would reap the benefits when her ex-husband (my boyfriend) was cooperative, flexible and helpful. When it was her turn to return the favor, on many occassions, she proved to be unable to do so. Moreoever, she would make it very difficult.

We could only provide a glimpse of the situation in some words. We tell the stories based on our experiences and history. Some of the missing links could make people come to a very quick conclusion about what should have been done and what should not. So, we would like for you all to leave some room for questions.

Everyone is different. There is no maps to follow. Our different experiences also lead us to project what's right, which may not be what's right for others with different experiences and sets of values.

We are where we are. We wanted to share our stories in hopes for those with similar experiences to give us some pointers.

Some divorced mothers that I know of are kind and fair. Unfortunately, in my situation, she's the opposite of that.

Yes, but BM is a crazy

Yes, but BM is a crazy hypocrite. Your BF is not. So what's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander in this case. You can't reason with crazy, which means if you continue to do what you do, this will only escalate and get worse. It's not about getting "even," where if BM was allowed to do something, your BF should be allowed to do something--because it doesn't work with crazy people. They don't see it like that, and therefore you can't change them.

I hope you read around here a bit more because I know many of us have been where you are--and it has ALWAYS backfired, enough to be able to call the advice I gave you before about stopping your communication with BM to be actually considered a default tactic (when dealing with crazy BMs, that is. If yours were reasonable, I don't think you'd be here, and this advice would actually be moot because you would all be able to get along. But, as someone else has said before, mental illness is a bitch.)

Of course, I don't know if you'd even bother staying with this guy, since, as I had said before, my advice is usually just to RUN. Too many have spent their entire lives living in the shadow and pushed to the side by their DH's and skids when crazy rears its ugly head/

It's clear I did not handle

It's clear I did not handle the past situation with my daughter, my ex or my girlfriend well. I didn't stand up to my ex to put her in her place nor was I a good parent or even know how to be. It's a sad situation, and now I'm on the verge of losing the woman I love dearly as a result of my failures. But is it too late? Someone posted, "It can get better." I believe this is true, but it's not up to me alone. Should I focus completely on restoring the relationship with my gf first and then try to help my gf tolerate my kids? Does it even matter - I mean does she have to like them for us to have a future together? My daughter comes every other weekend, so about 4 days per month. I want to find a way to alleviate to stress my gf is having on those days, but now she has resentment. Can it be undone?

She doesn't have to like

She doesn't have to like them, and that's not a crucial thing to have for the relationship to work, but your GF should be cordial and polite to them (which I have a feeling she is). Yeah, you need to repair your relationship with your GF first, which means NOT letting her be the one who deals with your ex and your kids. YOU should be the one who deals with them, and only you.

You should also let your GF go and do things on those four days a month for herself. Lose the "one big happy eventual family" ideal. She doesn't have to be around them, if you're going any where with them to just give her a heads up and extend an invitation, but if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. I think she has better things to do like get a margarita and go to the beach.

Now, about your kids. When your kids already have a preconceived notion about what they/their mother feels towards your GF, you will eventually lose them. This is an unfortunate truth. For some fathers, they may lose them temporarily, for others, it's more permanent. I feel like this is a fundamental truth people need to realize--it is not a universal truth that parents/children will always have a relationship with each other. It's what we hope for in the best case scenario, but in cases of nonintact families, we are forced with the realization that sometimes love isn't enough for anyone to overcome the desire to manipulate those who love them. If you come to terms with the fact that it may be inevitable that your children will pull away from you, you can begin to act from an intellectual place instead of an emotional place. You will then not be afraid of applying the RIGHT tactics for fear of losing them, because hey, if it's probably going to happen anyway, doing the right thing won't hurt. Which means if there's a CO in place, you need to drag the kids kicking and screaming to have your visitation time. Otherwise you hit the ex with a noncompliance complaint. Then, when they are here, you parent them by communicating and talking to them about what and why their behavior is unacceptable, at the same time reinforcing the idea that you do love then and you're doing this because you want to have a relationship with them. If you give in to their manipulations, you will only keep them for as long as you bow to their every whim, and you have already lost them anyway because the moment you stop, they will go.

But whatever you do, DO NOT have your GF be involved. Period.

This is not a do one then the

This is not a do one then the other type of thing. This is a do it all, all of the time thing.

Map your plan, tell your GF what you are going to do to parent your child, keep your X in her place, and prove to your GF that she and your relationship with her are your sole priority. The kid will remain your top responsibility but she and your relationship with her are your priority. Period. Ask for suggestions from her, listen, adapt your plan, then implemnt and stick to it. Communicate with her and adapt your plan as events unfold and change. They will. Be ready for it.

You can recover this but to recover it will take you clearly communicating with your GF and doing what you tell her you will do to the letter.

This will make you not only a great partner for your SO, it will make you a great father for your kid.

She may never grow to like your kid. She does not have to. If you do what you map out she will not have the stress and anxiety that has pushed her to her current state in all of this.

Man up. It will work out.

Darryl, theoretically it's

Darryl, theoretically it's not too late. But only you and gf know the facts on the ground. If she's had it, which is her right, then we can't help you except in your next relationship (don't make the same mistakes).

You as dad need to understand that YOUR responsibility vis a vis your kids is to raise good citizens. It is NOT your job as dad to force all other people on the planet to like your kids. Are your kids likable? Then, fine, they will be liked! YOU teach them to be likable by teaching them manners, courtesy, responsibility, gratitude, self-control, generosity. When your kids are failing on those counts no one will like them, not just girlfriends.

It seems common for single dads to think "protector" means "beat the rest of the world into submission in favor of my child." Well, that just creates a kid who can't cope and is not liked by hardly anyone. Dads (and moms) need to remember to teach and mold. Expect your daughters to be unfailingly polite in all situations and you will never have a problem with any gf ever.

Exactly. The girls were

Exactly.

The girls were actually pretty rude, but they probably didn't realize it. I learned later on that they picked it up from their mother. The dad (my boyfriend) wanted them to be different than that. The younger one was becoming more receptive, while the older one repelled and got even ruder. Many of us remember how our 17-year-old selves were like. When a child grows up in two different households with two sets of values, it is bound to be tough and challenging, especially for the dad that has much less time with the kids in general.

You mentioned a lot of great qualities. I cannot agree more. However, they have a mother who is very driven by her own emotions and feelings, rather than what's good for her children when it comes to their relationship with their father. She also has a 5 year old boy with this current husband.

So, what's the answer,

So, what's the answer, blululu? Is it too late for Darryl to fix this? Let us know how things are you going for you two now.

I truly appreciate everyone's

I truly appreciate everyone's help and advice. I am reading these posts and taking notes. With a lot of work, I can change and give new hope to the beautiful woman that I love dearly.

That is GREAT to hear! Thank

That is GREAT to hear! Thank you so much, Darryl, for coming back and telling us! I would say there's a lot of fuel in your relationship rocket. I have high hopes for you! Yay!!!!!

You are very sweet. Thank you

You are very sweet. Thank you so much for being so supportive.

Aw! That's what we're here

Aw! That's what we're here for! I love to see it turn out well!

Darryl. As a man and Step

Darryl.

As a man and Step Father your journey to clarity and making the effort to be an equity life partner to blululu and to be a great dad for your kids is heartening to me. Though I have no bio spawn I have been an equity parent to my SS-22 since his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2.

My wife has also been my equity life partner and we have worked hard to put and maintain our marriage as our priority while giving our son (my SS) the benefits of being raised within a family with a strong, loving, and successful marriage at its core. Kids, regardless of their biology, benefit from a strong equity adult life partnership at the core of their child and growing up experiences.

Congratulations to you and blu for doing the work to make each other and your relationship the uncontested priority. As you move forward in the marital and blended family adventure the kids will remain your top responsibility but the marriage will never again take a back seat to anyone or anything.

As it should be IMHO.

In my own case my SS-22 recently asked me to adopt him. We were able to make that happen in 4 days from engaging our attorney to Judge signature on the adoption. The kid is now a Rags. He has always been my son, I have always been his dad, but now .... not only is he an integral core member of the Rags clan/family as he has always been, now he has the family name.

Good luck and take care of each other.

Congratulations on such a connected and strong relationship together.

Wow a pre-nuptial

Wow a pre-nuptial intervention! So very cool!

Oh My!! Am I reading things??

Oh My!! Am I reading things?? Is this really a couple on STalk who are getting advice and actually working on resolving their relationship????? Hollleeeeee sheeiittee!! This is BEWDIFUL!!

Daryl168 & Blululu.. I wish you guys all the luck in the world!! You can do this 'cos you obviously love eachother very much!! Kudo's to you both!!

You guys remind me of SO and I a little bit, in the earlier days. He also has 2 kids, SD15 and SS13. SS is a sweetheart with an open heart and a genuine love for his Dad, in that he's happy that his Dad is happy. SD on the other hand, was and remains a nightmare with a possessive attitude towards her Dad. My SO used to be a disney parent and has learnt how not to be, through counselling.

SD15 no longer visits due to her toxic behaviour, but SS13 still does. My advice to you is the same as what most posters are saying here. Teach your kids to respect YOUR choice in a partner (your girlfriend) and that would solve a lot of future dramas. Put your kids responsibiities first (their NEEDS - i.e. clothing, food, medicals, educational, home). Their WANTS would be based on what you and your GF discuss, depending on your situation.

Your #1 priority is eachother. You to your GF and Her to you. You take care of eachothers wants and happiness. If you two are a solid foundation - your kids will be secure and they will thrive.

Keep the core strong (that's yu and your GF) - trust me, once you do this, nothing your ex does should affect you. Youse will also be showing your kids how to value and respect the relationship between a couple. They will learn how to treat their future partners from this.

Keep your ex where she belongs - out of your lives. She only needs to be involved when it comes to the kids 'needs', not their 'wants'.

Edited to add: As for discipline - when your kids disrespect your GF - no matter where it is.. you need to act immediately. Not wait until you get home. You pull them up and read them the riot act. If they've done it in a public place - then release your inner parenting dragon spirit - and let them have it. Embarrass the living daylights out of them so they learn - and learn FAST - never to do that again!!

Never - ever - I repeat - ever - allow them to call BM to take them back on your parenting time, unless it is a true emergency (i.e. one of them is on fire...ok..I joke).. but seriously..only in an emergency! YOU need to deal with them on your time..always! That will build up their respect for you, because they'll learn soon enough that they can't get away with acting disrespectful around you. They'll learn to consider other people's feelings and not just focus entirely on themselves.

You'll reap the rewards as they grow older and you will be one proud parent!

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My girlfriend doesn't like my kids - what can I do?