That's so awful...

There is always a chance the novelty of BM will wear off and she will come around. She's kind of like a shiny new toy right now.
*Hugs*

I have a similar situation with my SS16. I raise him and do all the mom stuff. But, I am not mom, BM shows up every 6 weeks like clock work to take him to dinner. I will always be hurt by it, but it is his mom and I need to encourage that relationship. Because someday, I do not want him to say to me, that DH and I didn't encourage him to see her. I am the better person in this mess, and I know that, I just hope someday, my SS will see it. It only matters what he thinks.

You can only be there and encourage her to see her mom. She will someday appreciate it, but if not at least you will know you did the right thing.

Please take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing for that child when she was growing up when the birth mother couldn't be bothered. It doesn't really help the pain, but at least you can have the peace of mind that comes from doing the heavy lifting when this child was young instead of leaving her to her own devices. It's often said that no good deed goes unpunished, and this situations seems to echo that. I'm betting that, with age and maturity, she may well come to appreciate you in due time, especially since the birth mother is unlikely to have changed her ways.

nature always wins out is so true. You did the right thing at the time. Dont compare yourself to BM or beat yourself up It's another phase in your life and if SD figures it out great, if SD does not at least you did your best.

nature always wins out is so true. You did the right thing at the time. Don't compare yourself to BM or beat yourself up It's another phase in your life and if SD figures it out great, if SD does not at least you did your best.

Give it some time. I found that when idiot BM come flying back into the bio kids life it can feel so good to these young adults. It is almost like they are being "courted" by her. She spends money on them and strokes their ego. She glosses over the missed years and redirects any questions about why she was not there for important milestones.

But wait, life happens and step kid will trip and need genuine help and guidance - just like a bio kid - and they will turn to the parent that they trust and it will not be BM. It will be you and you can swoop in and be the caring loving MOM that you have always been. There for the really important stuff.

Oh OP I wish I could give you a hug. You have been there for that SD through all of her life's trials so far.

Well, hopefully SD will see what BM really is, how self centered she has been, that she hasn't shared any of her daughter's life and, once the novelty of the BM wears off, go back to those who love and protected her all those years.

You may not want to hear this, but reality is, you are not her bio mom...you are her step mom...It is so important to get our expectations right so we don't set ourselves up for disappointment. If you were her, wouldn't you crave to know your real mom? Honestly, I would. Try not to take her natural desire to be with her bm personally...They say it is as innate as eating or reproducing...(the desire for a child to be with their parent and vice versa)...You have gone above and beyond to help raise this child...now, you have to let her choose...let go of the control...if it is as good as you say between you and her, then don't sweat it...That is the hard part about accepting the role of step mom...it comes with the territory...You can't replace the bm, but, she can't replace who you are either....You are both different....

With that painful truth being said...what helped me with this area in life was taking all the titles out of the relationships and letting the merit of the relationship be the defining element of that relationship. No ex this or step that or half this...each and every relationship has to stand on who you are and who they are and what you both put into it. That is it! I have relationships with people who are not blood related to me that are way closer than my own siblings...

I know it hurts to see your return on all that time love and effort invested...feel like it is being snatched away by someone who doesn't deserve it...the bigger thing to pay attention to right now, is that you don't let your emotions dictate to her that she has to choose between you two...She can have you both...I have been in the middle of having to choose between two people I love and it is the most awful position to be in...so don't be one of those contributing to her already messed up world because of her parents...

Do what you have to do to come to a place of understanding....let that be your position...because if bm is as bad as you say it is, it will burn itself out...and tomorrow will be a new day...peace

I went thru the same. My husband had full custody of his two boys since they were 2 & 4. Bio mom chose to move to another states and start a new life, made no contact at all for 2 years while she dated, remarried and had another child. I came into the picture when husband had been divorced at 3 years. We dated a year before she was ever aware that I was in the picture. She did not call on any regular basis, she simply was not a part of the boys' lives. The boys had one visit with her before I started dating him. Once she found out I was in the picture she started making more contact and wanted to talk to me. she wanted me to become her informant and once I realized this I stopped talking to her and I think that made her mad. She then started telling the older boy on the phone to tell his dad that he wanted to live with her. I noticed him crying on the phone so I picked up the other phone and heard everything she was saying. She was playing these boys.

It was me that took care of the boys, it was me that helped them with their homework, did their laundry, addressed the issues, heard their hurts, dealt with their anger. It was me that mended their clothes, got them to their appointment, taught them how to cook and clean. I was the one cutting their hair and making sure they had the most recent style clothes, arranging the birthday parties. It was my money that went to their allowances and school lunches.

They called me mom. Once they were adults and on their own though bio mom swooped in and she did a number on them. I was then told how awful I was as a mom, my husband was told that he did not protect the boys from me. It was crazy. It was very painful for a long long time, I was crushed.

We then had an incident that split the family. A situation where I had to protect my bio daughters from my first marriage in connection to my stepsons. I had always considered them my sons til this happened and when I took the side of my daughters my inlaws and sons made it that much harder for me and the girls. I finally had to let them all go. The younger boy and I tried to recover but my hurt was there and so was his and we ended up in conflict again so I let him go. I then looked at all my years of being these boys mom as me being the foster parent and those kids eventually move on. I know I gave them my best, I did, and I have no regrets or feel any guilt.

They make their choices in life and they have to live with those choices. The boys wanted their mom in their lives and could not risk losing her again. I hope they are all close and happy now. That's what matters is that they have what they want.

Sorry you have been put thru this, it is a process we have to deal with. Stay strong and don't blame yourself.