Telling Her Tactfully
I love my skids. I have one full time and 2 part-time. I take them fun places, try to give them the nice things, spend time with them, drive them to school, and just generally treat them like my own kids. I make a point to never say anything negative about their BM to them or around them. In fact, if the skids say something negative, I will defend her. If we are going somewhere together like the fair, I'll even invite her and her fiance and pay if I can. She doesn't offer the same courtesy. If I buy something, she calls it a bribe, if I offer help, she says I don't know what I'm doing, if I do anything, she has a negative remark, not only to me but also to the kids directly. I honestly don't think she realizes there aren't many women out there who feel and act as I do towards this situation. I would honestly like to take her to lunch one day and tell her, "look, I'm here for the long run for the hubby and skids, I'll help 24/7 for everyone involved, including you, if you'll stop the rants and degradation...because despite what you do, I'm not leaving and y'all couldn't handle it financially if I did".
Is there a NICE way to do this?
Thanks for your reply. Since
Thanks for your reply. Since I have been "asked" to do much of what I have done financially, thanks for reminding me I can say "no" at any time and that doesn't mean I love my skids or husband any less.
You mean well and are
You mean well and are apparently a great person but, personally, I wouldn't like BM to act towards me the way you are acting towards her.
Ok, I stopped being a SM a month ago, when I left, but for the 5 years I was, all I wanted was BM's respect and courtesy. I wouldn't want her badmouthing me, of course but otherwise, all I needed was for her to be polite when we met. She earns more than I do (though former SO earned way more than her) and I would feel mocked if she ever bought me something. She once or twice send cake over (whick her BF had backed, not her) and I felt funny about it, though I knew it had been SS7 who insisted on it.
She's not your friend nor she needs to be. My advise is for you to take a step back.
Why not just leave this BM
Why not just leave this BM alone? IIRC you have skids with two different BMs so I'm not sure this is the BM from your fulltime stepkid or the BM from the part time skids. Either way, why invite someone in your life who doesn't want to associate with you? She doesn't have to co-parent the skids with you. You're DH's partner , not hers.
Really doesn't mater how nice and/or helpful your intentions are, she doesn't appreciate it and wants nothing to do with you. And that's ok. She doesn't want your advice, your help or what she considers butting into her business. Doesn't matter how much you may do for her kids. She didn't ask to do it, doesn't want your 'help' on her end and doesn't intend to be buddies with you.
So you take the skids places, do fun things and buy them stuff? So what? I'm not saying you shouldn't do any of those things if you enjoy doing it and doing it because you enjoy spending time of that nature of them. I'm saying, don't expect BM's gratitude. And lunch? Seriously? Just leave the lady alone. She doesn't need nor want to hear your opinion of how you think/feel and if you seriously believe a 'hey you, listen up' speech over lunch is going to do anything but make matters worse, you are overrating yourself.
Bottomline is if/when this BM has had her fill of what she obviously feels is your 'superior' attitude towards her and/or her parenting abilities she can and will make your life a living nightmare. If you think she's giving you a hard time now, just try having lunch with her and the 'listen, this is how it is' speech.....why do it?
Actually, I think she's a
Actually, I think she's a great mom, aside from her badmouthing dh and me around and to kids. They then think they can do the same. I actually have been asked to do a lot and have some empathy for what she's been through. At one point, she alienated my husband and would only talk to me. Your advice makes sense, though, based on what I actually posted. Thank you.
"...and y'all couldn't handle
"...and y'all couldn't handle it financially if I did." When I first started reading your blog, I thought you were trying to buy mom and the kids. However, this statement is very telling. You have the ability to do a bunch of fun stuff that mom can't. Instead of just doing what you want for the kids, you want to flaunt it in front of mom and want to be humbled by what you're doing.
More than likely BM has picked up on the fact that you think you are the Great White Hope who has stepped in to save her and her children.
No one with an ounce of pride will react well to a person who views them as a charity case.
More than likely, mom is bad mouthing you in an attempt to teach her kids that people aren't for sale.
I know everyone is different,
I know everyone is different, but when you have a woman always wanting more, more, more...and verbalizing that...I don't think there is a pride issue where money is involved. But based on these posts, I am reminded that her pride is being hurt in other ways and I do need to see where she's coming from on that. I will give her space until she wants to come around. Thanks for answering my question.
I think that's part of the
I think that's part of the problem going on. OP posted a couple weeks ago (under her original membership name) on how DH takes quite the advantage of the fact OP makes twice his income (she doesn't have the outgoing CS he has either). She's doubled her expenditures and gives very generously of her time since marrying and acquiring three skids. DH seems to expect this of OP, but BM viewing it all how DH is. BM is resentful and views what OP is doing as bribe. Like OP is 'buying' the kids, KWIM?
You had me up until KWIM.
You had me up until KWIM. What does that mean?
know what I mean=KWIM
know what I mean=KWIM
All things considered, I
All things considered, I guess that my biggest issue right now is that BM speaks negatively about dh and me to the kids, even though we give her the respect not to speak negatively about her (thank goodness for this group for being my only outlet for those thoughts). This translates in our household into disrespect from the kids (if Mom does it, they figure they can). Not only is respect just the right thing to do, ours is one of the states that requires coparents to have training about these kinds of issues. In addition, I don't like that she tries to micromanage what the kids do at our house, while we give her the confidence vote that she can figure out what to do with the kids while they're in her care. The rest is just salt in the wounds...stuff I wouldn't even care about if it wasn't for the lack of respect already causing hurt feelings.
As to WHY it bothers me, it's not my personal pride or self-esteem: it is just the fact that I plan on being here for my husband and skids from here-on-out and I do expect children to act respectfully and I see that being undermined. We are still laying the foundation for the years to come and I'd like to put it on solid ground.
Hobby?
Hobby?
It seems like I got responses
It seems like I got responses from A to Z on this one. I am still a little confused but I feel like I do know what I need to do. I only post if I really do want opinions, because this is my only outlet. I am going to just focus on dh and what happens in this house. Anything else is beyond my control, so I'm just letting it go. Staying out of those things outside of my household, both literally and financially, will set the example and be the rule.