Talked with ex, nothing has changed
After reading all your posts and thinking/obsessing a lot, I feel a lot better. Not quite as unsettled as yesterday. I know the best thing to do is just cut off contact with ex but we had opened the door to communication and of course it spun out into basically the exact same argument as always. I wanted closure but I opened up a portal to a year ago and we got stuck in this long fight.
Basically, some things he said had made me feel like our breakup helped him see where he went wrong - as it did me - and while he will acknowledge that he totally fucked up, he STILL really and apparently TRULY thinks that he is right in the way he wants to raise his kid. He yelled at me saying how rude it was for me to say I think he is wrong and is actually doing damage, but I really do.
If he had never cheated with BM - maybe I could be more tolerant of a friendship with her. But he insists that she (& her husband, she is newly married) are his family and that's all there is to it. He even said if she has more kids he would want them to come over with his. I just don't get it. I never wanted him to be an absent shit father, but why can't be be a good dad and maintain distance from his ex? I said, I wanted to be a family with YOU, not her. He thinks that BM's relationship status means I should have no feelings about them spending time together.
I don't think I am but, tell me...am I crazy? Am I just so unhealthy that I can't see the healthiness in maintaining a positive relationship with BM? Or is my thinking in line as to what a real, honest, successful relationship like this looks like? He makes me question myself, as if I'm just damaged, and that's why I have such a problem with it. What do you think REALLY makes a blended family relationship work? My idea has always been: BOUNDARIES! Right??
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No. You are not crazy for
No. You are not crazy for what you've just said. You ARE Crazy for continuing these pointless conversations with this POS man.
Move.On. No one in their right mind would take this sort of crap!
WTF is wrong with him?
WTF is wrong with him? Ummmm...why would BMs other kids come to YOUR house? That is insanely ridiculous! And NO...BM is NOT family! Used to be...past tense fella!
He is not over her. He's
He is not over her. He's going to sit around and hope her marriage fails. If it does, he will be right there to jump in and help her out and hopefully win her back.
While he's waiting to get back with his true love,he may date/live with other women. Those women will be nothing more than bed warmers until he can get the one woman he truly wants.
YEA^^^ The BRIGHT RED
YEA^^^ The BRIGHT RED FLASHING LIGHT went off in my head when I read that...
So not normal, creepy, odd...
You are not
You are not crazy.
Maintaining a civil relationship with BM is one thing, considering her and her husband and any kids that they may have as his family, is something completely different. Great if that works for them but you don't have to be a part of it.
This is a good thing that you talked to him and hopefully it reassures you that breaking up was the right thing to do and that he is NOT your "lost love". He's just lost.
How in the hell would he know what an honest relationship looks like, he cheated on you. You are not the one who is damaged, he just wants you to think you are.
Doesn't matter if you're
Doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. It's HIS kid to raise the way HE wants. Bottom line.
Move On.
Spend a day or two grieving
Spend a day or two grieving your heartbreak and disappointments and close the chapter on this book. Block his phone number. Unfriend him on facebook and block him. Stay away from romantic movies and only listen to talk radio, no romantic songs. He's an asshat. He's basically telling you he has no plans to change or reframe his thinking and you could never ever be happy with this man.
Have you ever read the book, "He's just not that into you." Read that book because honey, he is just not that into you. It's apparent he has no desire to please you. And you know what? That's okay. I will tell you what my friends tell me cause I did get back together with my SO. Mr. Wonderful is not going to ask you out on a date if you are wasting your time with Mr. Asshat.
They said you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. Honey, you've just kissed that frog. Now go find your prince. You don't want warts.
If she's still his family he
If she's still his family he should still be married to her.
It's ridiculous that he wants to be "happy family" with his EX and any future kids she has.
Run and don't look back.
this man is still in love
this man is still in love with his ex and it doesn't sound like he WANTS to have a real relationship with another woman. pick up your dignity and never answer his calls. yes, it will hurt like HELL. scream and cry when you're in the shower, feel every moment of your grief (it's the only way to get through it). keep telling yourself that he doesn't love you (cause he doesn't or he'd be BEGGING you back and cutting off ALL contact with his ex and doing ANYTHING to keep you). it will hurt a little less each day after a week or so. I promise you.
He's not over her. Even if
He's not over her. Even if she's married if she opens her legs for him he will go a running. Anther step is right, put him behind you and look to your future and having some good times.
You dodged a huge bullet.
You dodged a huge bullet. The hurt you are feeling is like a bee sting compared to that bullet. But you will heal, and when you do, go find a great childless man who you can have first children with so that the only BM in his life is you.
In a few years you will still see this coward of a man, because that is what he is, still waiting like a lap dog for a scrap from BM. He is truly pathetic.
Thank you all so so much for
Thank you all so so much for your comments and advice. It is really helpful to discuss it here because my friends don't really get it. The thing is, and maybe I am just really naive, but I have a really good sensor for things. I'm very intuitive. The week before I found out he had cheated with BM, I already knew it in my gut.
And maybe you are all correct and he in just in love with her, but what gets me is that I really don't think he is or ever was. They were never married, it was an oops-casually-dating thing, she said if he didn't stay with her she would get an abortion and that made him feel guilty, so they tried to work. To be honest she is not an attractive person physically or personality-wise, not that that's stopped anyone before.
I think that a lot of it stems from his own childhood coming from a divorced family, his dad was never around, he has upmteen half-brothers and sisters all over the place, some he knows, some he doesn't. I get that we all carry around childhood scars, I do too, but I'm fairly sure a LOT of his actions are fueled by these unexplored issues. He wants to be the dad he never had. Which is his right...just mind-boggling to me because it seems so very unhealthy.
then the best thing you can
then the best thing you can do for him is set him free so that he can be that dad, cause it seems his ex STILL insists that she be included in that relationship. and he's always gonna let her.
You're making excuses for
You're making excuses for him.
Just because they didn't have an ideal relationship(more than likely you have only heard his side of the story)doesn't mean he didn't love her. If he didn't still have feelings for her, he wouldn't still be holding on.
Being a better dad to his son than his father was to him, doesn't involve clinging to BM, her new husband or her future children. She is the woman he wants in his life.
You are not crazy. It's
You are not crazy. It's sometimes easy to get stuck obsessing about the past. But it isn't healthy.
Time to move on. He let you know what you DON'T want in a guy so you are that much closer to finding the RIGHT guy, if any are!
You deserve someone who will make you feel like you are #1 in their lives. My DH has his faults but he NEVER EVER put BM above me. In fact, he threw down iron-clad boundaries to absolutely minimize the effect she had on my life.
Girl, please come out of the
Girl, please come out of the fog and see what's going on! NO! He does NOT HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS EX. He still loves her, or is still emotionally connected. And, to tell you he is going to keep spending time with her and it bothers you is an absolute deal breaker.
This is disastrous.
I know this may hurt you because you are emotionally involved with this man, but you are dodging a HUGE bullet by breaking up. Please find something else to do...that is unless you want to be in a lovey relationship with a man and his ex wife. It doesn't sound like you do, btw.
Bare minimum, my H speaks to his ex ONLY in regards to SD and that is ONLY telling his ex if SD has an event or something, medical issue, or discussing pick up or drop off times. THAT'S IT!
No time spent together. No fluff. No rainbows and unicorns. NO! One, I wouldn't still be married to him, and two, it is just inappropriate on every level.
I'm sorry. I just hope you decide to focus on yourself, remove yourself from the situation, and find someone who treats you right!
There is a thin line between
There is a thin line between love and hate. Ever heard that phrase? I never put much stock in it until my own situation. I don't fight or argue with my exhusband. I don't. We don't get very high emotions at all. And that's probably because deep down I really didn't love him that much nor he me .
my SO and his ex wife have nasty mean below the belt fights and always have. I thought HE HATED HER but nope he loves her. No matter what she does or says bottom line is he loves her. LOVE and Hate are two sides of the same coin.