Any GF/SM's get back with DH after a break-up?
Hi all. I have posted here before long ago but am coming for some advice and opinions from those who live this crazy life. My story...ex and I broke up 6 months ago after a 3 year relationship. He has a DS4. In the very beginning of our relationship he cheated with BM. This caused endless, endless problems obviously and we went through a lot of ups and downs. Last year was bad. We were living together but I felt pretty taken advantage of money-wise, a little trapped by his expectations of me with his kid, and resentful of this woman I hated who I had to have in my life.
Long story short, the final straw was his going back on his word about boundaries we had agreed upon with BM (he wanted to have the option of going on trips with BM and DS if "DS ever wanted it" and I said no). We officially ended it and really haven't spoken since.
So the current issue: I still have major, major feelings for him, and I think he does as well. I felt really good for a few months then the past couple weeks have been really emotional and realizing I didn't truly process everything. I made a possible mistake by texting him this rant that started out just finally venting all my anger towards him that quickly dissolved into this scary thought that I still love and want him in many ways. I can look back and see how we fucked so many things up, my part in it, and the good stuff too.
Now I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to regret lost love when we really still love each other but is it even possible to reconcile a relationship like this? I know I may sound naive and maybe I am, or maybe I'm just truly still messed up, or i don't know what, but our history is so convoluted and complex, it's hard to sort it all out in my head. You people know about these relationships! Please, any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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My advice will sting and be
My advice will sting and be harsh, but I hope you hear it.
If you are pining over your "lost love" who CHEATED on you, with, OF ALL PEOPLE THE BM, and who then expected to be allowed to take trips with his affair partner and have you sit back at home while he plays "happy family" and likely fucks her again..... then you truly need to examine why you self sabotage.
Seriously. This is not love. This is you attacking yourself and assuring you won't find love or have a healthy relationship. Maybe you enjoy the drama of unrequited love. Maybe you have Daddy issues. maybe you don't believe you truly deserve love. Maybe your own father figure was abusive or unreliable.
Delete his number, and treat yourself to some counseling, not a rendezvous.
Thank you. I hear what you
Thank you. I hear what you are saying. I consider myself an intelligent and thoughtful person who realistically knows that you're right. I just don't know why I was doing so good and now that my anger has dissipated I'm just sad and confused.
Maybe this is part of the
Maybe this is part of the mourning process? You do have to mourn the loss of the relationship... or at the least the loss of the fantasy you had about what your relationship *should* have been. I doubt you are actually mourning HIM, as he doesn't sound like a prize anyone would want.
Be gentle with yourself. But you are not a doormat. Relationships end for reasons. Yours has more than enough reasons. If it didn't work the first time, it likely won't work the second time.
Grieve all you wish, but cut the cord and stop the communication. Give yourself some boundaries so you can't make unhealthy choices. A good boundary right now might be "I won't communicate with the EX in any way, so that I don't risk making poor choices. I will not date for 3 months, because the fact that I even fantasized about taking the EX back tells me that I am not in a healthy space right now and will not attract healthy people."
Troll alert Member for21 min
Troll alert Member for21 min 6 sec
Yea I didn't have an
Yea I didn't have an account...not a troll though!
You must be a really, really
You must be a really, really kind and forgiving person to think that this would EVER work. My ExH cheated on me and we had no children. He actually wanted me to take him back after I kicked his ass out but the answer was no. I knew that I could never trust him again.. EVER. This man not only cheated on you, but if you get back together with him he is going to have to have frequent contact for the next 14 YEARS (at least) with the woman he cheated on you with. Really I have no idea how you think you can live like this for the next FOURTEEN YEARS???
Stop contacting him, stop thinking about him, you are caught up in a vortex of mess that you need to get yourself out of STAT!
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I am very kind and forgiving which has put me in bad situations. I thought we could do it, I thought I could handle it. He certainly didn't make it easier for me but it takes a loooooooot for me to give up on something. I just needed to hear exactly these things from people who understand these dynamics. Thank you.
^^^ And if he cheated on you
^^^ And if he cheated on you with BM...
Then BM knows she "out ranks" you and will forever walk all over you!
Lol. Thank you, and I agree.
Lol. Thank you, and I agree. Honestly just writing this and reading the replies has lifted my spirits a little because I was almost panicky when these feelings came up.
Oh, how I love a good weenie
Oh, how I love a good weenie roast!
The day DH cheats on me is
The day DH cheats on me is the day I give him the gift of BLACK TRASH BAGS!
to put all his shit in...as he gathers it up off the front lawn, if its not on fire...
LMAO! The next phone call he would get would be from my lawyer.
Trash bags, yes i did that to
Trash bags, yes i did that to my cheater live-in a few years back. Had them delivered to his office and changed the locks on my house. I laughed so hard when the OW he was boinking sent me an email calling me mean! Partners who cheat are scum. Scum tens to clump together.
He cheated with BM, and made
He cheated with BM, and made you feel: taken advantage of money-wise, a little trapped by his expectations of me with his kid, and resentful of this woman I hated who I had to have in my life.
Huh, sounds loving???
Sounds like a good reason to break up and move on.
I promise, there is a better person out there than one that makes your feel like that!
What your feeling is part of coping, don't keep abusing yourself by putting your self back in that situation so he can abuse you.
Do you like abuse? DO you like feeling like the victim?
Maybe its time for you to pick yourself up, build up your own self esteem, alone, because you love yourself and you don't need a man to feel whole and then look for a man that will love you, for real
Thoughts?
I definitely think I just
I definitely think I just didn't really let myself process the breakup, and breaking up is just hard and lonely and jarring. I do love myself but I have been taking an honest look at my own behavior and I do CHOOSE men that are full of problems. I'm sure all the classic reasons why people do this applies to me as well.
Maybe a break, to get to know
Maybe a break, to get to know who confused_as_ever is, would be a good idea?
Hang out with your GIRL friends, do your hobby, take some fun night classes, chat with boys online, do 50 first dates, no 2nd dates!
Take time to heal YOU, cope with your loss and become whole again.
Then next time you start to date and you find the homeless kitten Man, who needs someone to hold his life together for him and that little voice in your head says "is this an issue we should worry about?"
Say YES and run!
It is incredibly difficult to
It is incredibly difficult to move on when you are wishing someone would be something they're not. Take the good advice here and leave this cheating sob in your dust. You will fond after a while that you feel a huge weight offf your back when you no longer worry about what he's up to. Let the two idiots (him and the ex) get on with their freak show. You are too good for them to play you.
Yes it is, and maybe you are
Yes it is, and maybe you are right that there is still a part of me thinking he could be different. All of this advice genuinely helps...it's exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you very much.
That's a perfect little
That's a perfect little phrase to repeat and write down over and over: love yourself more. The thing that gets me is that I was so secure and so sure of him before that I never even gave a thought to BM. When I found out he had cheated it obviously took all that security away but it was also just fucking irritating because I WAS ok with him having a kid and needing to have a relationship with BM, and he totally took advantage of my trust.
He cheated on you? With BM?
He cheated on you? With BM? He wants to take trips with her to make his son happy?
BM is going to be in the picture for awhile, the kid is only 4. He has already gone back on his word about boundaries, he has cheated with her.
You felt taken advantage of, trapped, and resentful. Why do you think any of that would be different?
Process what you need to process and move on. Putting that relationship back together would be a big mistake, in my opinion, and you will just get hurt. Again.
Six months is not a long time. Maybe you are lonely and remembering some of the good times but I think he has shown you what kind of character he has. Don't let loneliness put you back where, you have already decided, you don't want to be.
^ I agree ^ Lonely,
^ I agree ^
Lonely, remembering some of the good times, finding a way to lay equal blame on your self as a reason to go back....
Don't go back because your lonely, get a cat, or a dog or a fish or a good book! Chat on here with us, take up a new sport, take up a new hobby, anything except go back to the cheater...
I think you are right. In
I think you are right. In retrospect it's easy to see the problems and who contributed to what and maybe that makes it easier to think things could be different.
He cheated on you and wanted
He cheated on you and wanted permission to go on family vacations with her.
You're kidding yourself if you think this will work out.
SO and I broke up for 10
SO and I broke up for 10 months. I say broke up, but neither of us were seeing anyone else and we were actively working on our relationship.
Part of our problem was the same old story, Disney dad and lack of boundaries with BM (he never cheated on me). In fact, when I was packing to leave he told me that now he and BM "could be friends".
Our relationship is 100x better than before but we still have problems. Mostly stemming from "You hate my kid" bull crap when I call him or Skids out on shit.
While I love SO and Skids, there are still days when I wonder if I made the right decision. Stephell isn't for everyone.
My SO and I have broken up
My SO and I have broken up and gotten back together a couple of times. At year 2 we were living together in my home and he was not contributing to any of the household bills due to child support at $1000 and his house he owned with BM has not sold so he has a $1200 mortgage on that. I felt very happy and in love and secure in my relationship. He and BM had nasty ugly fights all the time. I thought he hated her and her him. THen we were in the Florida Keys together. After a night of drinking at Key West we were in our hotel room. He and she had been fighting via text in the morning and his teen daughters kept calling all snotty that whole morning mad that they were invited. He's kinda half drunk asleep on the bed and his phone is going off continuously. He says, "hand me my phone". Iphones you can read the messages on the screen and she says basically that he has been asking her to reconcile and he can suck it cause her boyfriend and she are looking at rings. I asked him if its true that he asked her to reconcile and he said, "yes. He had wanted his family back together." I was heart broken and I kicked his ass to the curb. That was in April.
Months of begging and pleading on his part and I let him back into my life. He eventually moved back in. She and his ex best friend got married. On the day of the wedding he was all morose and depressed and teary eyed. HE got drunk. I called him out on still being in love with her and I got the, "She was the love of my life. THe mother of my children" bull shit speech and I kicked him out and we broke up . for months and months. And he begged and pleaded and I let him back into my heart and my life.
And she'll send him selfies and I'll find hem saved on his phone. and I'll kick him out and we break up. We end up back together a few months later. He'll eat dinner at her house after picking up the kids. We will fight. She sent him a video diary of her doing hair in her bedroom. We will fight and break up. she cut his hair at her home when he went to get the kids. I was newly pregnant and I kicked him out and broke up with him. Just the other day she called herself his wife over speaker phone and he didn't correct her.
He didn't sleep with her but the other day a poster here asked if we feel secure in our relationship. I do not feel secure in my relationship. I do not feel like his dream girl or the love of his life. I feel like second choice. The consolation prize. Things will be great for many many months and I will feel super in love and happy and then he will do something stupid. The other month he took a screen shot of BM when he was facetiming his daughter and it was saved on his phone. and all that insecurity just comes rushing back and then I do the self reflecting and looking within on why is it I keep letting this man back in my life. I'm not married to him and I support myself and my children financially. Yep I think I need counseling as to why why why I have allowed him back in three or four times. So, basically, consider my situation. Yes you could experience fleeting moments of happiness and joy with a man you love but the cost is pretty high. The cost is feeling like second best, consolation prize when you know in your heart you could be somebody's dream girl, somebody's love of their life, somebody's number one.
I got this text from my SO at 0206 pm. "I want to marry you." Everyday he says something like that. Everyday I say don't ask me cause I know someday in the future there will be more selfies of BM on his phone or some crap like that and I'm working on me and my self esteem and my journey of self love and I'll be strong enough to leave SO and find that guy I'm supposed to be with ... or not. Or just learn to live without SO
Oh Growupplease, I like the
Oh Growupplease, I like the sound of your aunt!
Wow..I don't even know what
Wow..I don't even know what to say except I'm really sorry to hear that. No one deserves that. Thank you for sharing that because realistically, that's what I always felt like, was second. Always. I used to think it would change because the kid was so little but it really didn't and got worse in some ways. I couldn't handle it and that's why I left...I obviously don't have any advice for you on this particular front but you seem like a very kind woman who has taken a lot of shit for a long time. I wish you luck.
You are confused because you
You are confused because you are starting to mourn what you WISHED your relationship would have been. Unfortunately, it isn't the reality of what the relationship WAS. That is why you are having conflicting feelings.
Cut off all contact with this guy and go keep yourself busy. Find a hobby. Go out with friends. Whatever. Especially make sure to do ANYTHING that he wasn't too fond of you doing. Enjoy your single-dom!
This guy, deep down at character level, is scum. It's bad enough for a man to cheat on his woman, it's 100 times WORSE when it is with BM! N.E.V.E.R!!
[Just for the record, I did move out and reconciled with my DH. But the reasons had nothing to do with infidelity or BM - at least not directly.]
It took me about 15 years and
It took me about 15 years and 2 marriages and divorces with the same man to see that he is not and will never be the person that I had THOUGHT he was, because what you think they can be and what they actually are are two different things. If you can't live with the person he actually is then don't think you will change him.
I so needed this! I guess I
I so needed this! I guess I just wasn't prepared for the intensity of feelings I had for him when I finally allowed myself to be honest. Thank you for this perfect quotable quote:)
Mr Perfect Wonderful is out
Mr Perfect Wonderful is out there...don't look back at Mr. Waste of Time, it will only distract from the years of wonderful wedded bliss your about to have with Mr. Perfect Wonderful!