SS cut me out of family
Another request for advice on my situation.
As I mentioned in an earlier thread, my husband moved his two sons in with us 16 years ago without consulting with me, right after we got married. I endured many years of lonely hell, being the outsider, the occasional "bad cop" (only because my husband enforced no rules or order whatsoever). The two boys fought NON-STOP. Year in, year out, every evening I'd come home from work and have to deal with the vicious fights between those two, and sometimes between one of them and my husband. I sometimes had to be the mediator. The younger one had a terrifying temper (and, I believe, some kind of narcissistic personality disorder) -- when he got mad, he would seem possessed by the devil, heaving, hissing. In his teenage years, he got worse and worse, more out of control, becoming verbally abusive toward his teachers, getting caught up with thugs, and becoming increasingly demanding toward my husband, who clearly absolutely adored him. Then his delinquent friends started stealing the other stepson's things--his shoes, his watch, causing him major stress--and I finally put my foot down and said he couldn't bring his friends over for 6 months and then we'd reassess the situation. By this time, my husband's already-heavy drinking went into high gear, and he was drunk every second night. The three of them were fighting so viciously and I could see how much my husband was hurting but instead of confronting them and laying down rules, he just got softer. I hated coming home to this mess every day.
One day I got home and heard the younger one telling my husband that his friends were coming over--and I said no way, I had already told him he couldn't have friends over for 6 months. Well he went like Satanic-ballistic. I told my husband I absolutely would not tolerate this. The kid ended up going to his mother's, and I never saw him again since that day. That was about 7 years ago. My husband was distraught because the kid and the mother (trash, really) refused to let him know anything about his well-being. I think he finally coaxed him into seeing him again by offering to buy him things, and they resumed a relationship, but I was entirely left out. Then the older stepson (who still lives with us) even started joining them, so the three of them now have very frequent communication, go out for dinners, my husband takes the kid out shopping, all's cozy, and I'm the excluded outsider.
I feel such rage and hurt that my husband has made no effort to include me, to patch anything up. I endured so many years of their vicious fighting, I was always respectful and gentle, and in the end I'm the one who's cast out and despised. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? Was there anything that helped you through, anything that made you feel better? Many thanks.
Do you have a good marriage
Do you have a good marriage other than the skid issue?
Hi hatesteplife, It's
Hi hatesteplife,
It's honestly hard for me to say if it's a good marriage other than the skid issue, because the s-kids are so inextricably bound up in almost every aspect of our history and our current life together (especially since the older SS who still lives with us, the 25 year old, is in our face every single day, hard to have a conversation he can't hear).
I think the relationship has gotten better in recent years because I started asserting myself a bit more and really forcefully trying to make him see what absolute crap I've had to put up with. I think he finally saw it, and even talked to the SS about it (not that they care, I'm sure). I also think my husband is becoming more conscious of the fact he's getting older (he's 54, ten years older than me) and he should probably start wising up if he's going to have a relatively stable life into retirement. I think knows that if I were to leave, other women might have a hard time with his circumstances (although he's a great-looking, really funny, creative man).
I will say I'm terrified of the future. I don't know what those kids will expect of him next, what they'll coax him to give them--I'm afraid he'll co-sign for loans and compromise our future. Sometimes I wish I could go to a lawyer and get a contract drawn up, something to protect me in case he royally screws up our finances because of the kids. I also doubt he'll have the backbone to get SS25 to move out--I think that guy's going to live with us forever if he can. The thought of abandoning my husband fills me with dread, but I feel like I'm running out of energy for all of this after 16 years of it.
Thank you so much for asking.
Let yourself grieve the loss
Let yourself grieve the loss of any hope of having a normal family with these sorry excuses for men.
Then when you are ready, relish the freedom their absence gives you. Your DH and his toxic sons all have issues that are too big for you to fix.
Yeah. I agree with Foxie. If
Yeah. I agree with Foxie. If your husband is drunk all of the time, I'd say the stepkid situation is the least of your problems right now.
Not trying to be a bitch, but why have you hung on for so long in this bad situation?
I would not live like this. I
I would not live like this. I would deal with it by walking out the door.
You may wish to attend an Al-Anon meeting. You will meet people there who can help you understand the role alcohol plays in your family and you will gain a lot of strength and insight.
Hi forever and ever, Well,
Hi forever and ever,
Well, it's quieter only to a point. The older SS (SS25) still lives with us and is a daily pain. He increasingly talks about his brother, obviously is star-struck by him (and my husband has always seemed starstruck too; SS22 seems to have some kind of magnetic narcissistic personality disorder that some people are impressed by).
I will look for skeeter's blog. I wouldn't be too surprised if my husband decided to have his sons live with us (even the one who doesn't speak to me) 'til we're dead if I allowed it.
Thanks for the kind support.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the responses. One thing I really should have mentioned is that my husband stopped drinking completely about 3 years ago. Still, your questions are very good ones--why did I stay? I had a totally overwhelming sense of commitment, and I also have an extreme aversion to the notion of abandoning a partner. It's something I've worked on and I understand it better now. That's not to say I don't regret ever getting myself into this situation--if I had known how it would end up, I would never in a million years have signed up for it.
I feel better after reading your suggestion of just being glad not to have to deal with the "menage" they have going. I agree it's actually a good thing, less stressful for me. I just still resent that my husband didn't bother at all to try to include me.
Thanks so much, everyone. I really do feel better about this!
I completely understand how
I completely understand how you feel, I feel much the same. I was the kind, nurturing, generous stepmom for years. In fact my husbands relationship with his kids improved 1000% when I entered the picture. We were all happy and close for years. Fast forward they turned into horrible jerks, that's another story but ones a selfish abusive bitch and the other is a dirty thief! They didn't just crap on me but my DH too. I totally disengaged, they aren't allowed in my home. DH doesn't like all the things they've done but he maintains a relationship with them, apart from me and outside our home. And even though I'm not mad at him for doing so, in some ways it hurts. It was my choice to disengage and it was the right thing, but a part of me feels DH should've also, until or unless they learn to respect us both. But they're his evil spawn, I can't tell him what to do. It's hard though, it's part of SM hell!
Gawd - if only Twit would
Gawd - if only Twit would disown me and leave DH and I alone. THAT would be sure heaven. Alas she is too evil, greedy and self-centered to do so, someone else might get something from us that SHE wants/desires. I am glad my daughter lives far away because she definitely would be stalked and character assinated by Twit, she has done it once already that I know of.
From your posts I'm
From your posts I'm calculating that you are 44 years YOUNG! You started dealing with this situation at 28 years old. 16 years is a long time. I'm almost the same age and I've dealt with ss30 pretty intensely for the first 2 yrs of our marriage and lately sporadically and distantly, though he's still connected to DH's and I's finances courtesy of DH. It's been almost 3 years and I am already tired of the BS. As mentioned above I had NO idea what I had signed up for. I thought adult steps would be a breeze, we'd be friends, have dinner, I'll play with their kids and so on.
I love DH dearly but don't get too involved with his sons. I did at first but then backed way off since I was the new target for abuse and blame. Funny since I backed off they don't come over much and I'm just fine with it. I'm ok if they alienate me, more peace and quiet for me! They can trash talk me all they want but as soon as someone tries to tell me about what ss30 said I just get busy in another room or change the subject.
You need an identity and life outside of being the "alienated sad-stepmom/wife." Let them have their merry little get togethers while you pursue your interests. About being afraid to abandon a partner just remember that your husband emotionally abandoned you to alcohol and also to his children. He basically threw you into the lions den and has never had your back.