What state are you in? I can't speak for every state but alimony in my state of Florida is decided at divorce. You can't be divorced for four years and then go back and get alimony. Some states I think you can turn child support into alimony when the kids age out. In my state child support is not affected by a remarriage.

Wait until the youngest ages out. Seriously. It's just six years. It's just not worth it. The BM will still be a crazy bitch and the skids may be total Fuck offs but at least after they are adults you can be in a position to tell them all to go to Hell. And if your mate allows his adult children to make your life nightmarish, just don't go through with the marriage

I am in the 'wait until the kids age out' camp. I never would have married DH if I wasn't interested in having children of my own. I would have been happy to just keep living in sin (as BM was kind enough to point out to the skids before we got married).

If your engagement triggered her crazy, your wedding will magnify the crazy
tenfold. BM here freely added my income to dhs when filing for more CS. It
did not work out for her but it wasn't for the lack of trying.

I have read that sp's income might be taken info account when it's much
higher than the bio parent's- the bio then has more funds available for the
kids as a certain lifestyle is provided. But it does not mean that cs is deducted
from the SP.

However if the ex is truly disturbed there may be other, non monetary,
but very weighty reasons not to marry. Read this forum and you will see.

I'm also in California and agree - wait until the kids age out to marry. Your SO is dragging an awful lot of baggage around with him and you need to protect yourself from it.

Your high conflict BM is dead wrong about your income being included in cs calculations, so ignore the whore. If that were true, I would have divorced my DH years ago. You should, however, explore the financial ramifications of legally tying yourself to someone who's being taxed to the hilt on income that goes straight to his BM.

I'm a traditional gal, but if I had it to do over again, I would not have married my DH until his kids were older & his affairs in better order.

This will get worse. Our marriage made the crazy come out. Also, my income was considered when. She went after CS. I was angry because she got ahold of our tax return... still makes me mad. She didn't get CS since they had 50/50 and she made more money than him. But, my salary was reviewed, but not an issue since I had just started my company and was operating as a loss. But, the witch still got to see our returns....

It depends what you want to do. Obviously if you do get married then you need to ensure that you are protected by checking your laws etc, you should be able to find out the basics online as a starter then consult with a lawyer if needed. It may be a pain, but it shouldn't be impossible if you are properly prepared. If you decide not to get married, it is probably worth checking the laws anyway to see if a cohabiting couple are considered the same as a married couple in someways.

If you decide to get married then you will have to protect yourself and potentially deal with crazy BM trying to get back at your fiance for moving on. If you decide not to get married you are delaying getting on with your life because of some crazy person your ex had sex with at least once, and you will still have to deal with her crazy (even if it is a little less than if you got married). Both ways BM wins to some extent.

The other way to look at this issue is to decide whether getting married to your fiance is what you want to do and if it will make you happy to call him your husband and to commit to him for the rest of your life in front of your friends and family and if you think it will enhance your relationship. Make the decision for yourself and don't worry about BM. Once your decision is made then commit to it and get on doing what you need to do to protect yourself financially, mentally and to keep yourself sane.

I probably misunderstood - when you say back child support and alimony do you mean that he was court ordered to pay and didn't? Or is she threatening to try and get it now? She may be able to get retroactive child support.

If he hasn't paid what he was ordered to pay - that should give you pause. Why hasn't he paid it? Does he have money issues?

In any case - I vote for waiting.

Even though I am an old fashioned girl as well... don't marry him until the kids are aged out and he is free and clear of any residue obligations to her or the kids.

She will come after you as often as she wants. Probably with some pro bono bleeding heart immigration lawyer type. See one thing I have found in this country is there is this dream of success and personal responsibility. However the truth is that people are jealous to the core that there are rich people around and they all OWE everyone a share of their legally acquired money. No one gets their hands on my money.

If our BM was like this I would have not married DH. I would have waited things out and she was unable to touch us.

Did you say she is an illegal? Would the (empty) threat of calling immigration on her get her to back the eff off?

Oh, they don't normally take a SP's income into account unless they own a business and are responsible for determining the parent's income. Either way...NO joint accounts. NO joint tax filing (I guess that was just my choice because even if I redacted my own information, it still was pretty simple for BM to figure out my income)