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How do I help my SO to disengage...?

happybutfrustrated's picture

Is that a strange request...? My SO is feeling fed up with regard to my Bkids; specifically BS16.

Background: BS16 is in his final year of secondary school and his attitude to school work is infuriating. I've tried letting him fail in the hope that gives him a kick in the ass but that didn't work either. My SO accused me of not giving a shit about my kids, which wasn't the case at all but his lack of motivation to achieve his ambitions is totally alien to me. Once my SO made me realise that this kid isn't going to find the desire to do well within himself, we have been pushing him every day to study. I've been printing out past exam papers by the dozen, I've spent £100's on revision guides for him, I spend 2hrs every night with him going through work and making timetables and flashcards and asking him questions.

My SO has been the driving force, he said it's our responsibility to get the kid through his exams so I'm giving him a lot more help than I ever got - more than I've known anyone else to get, too. Honestly, I assumed all kids got themselves through this stuff...? Now that we're giving so much time up to help him, my SO is getting really, really fed up of BS16's attitude. He's so negative, every time he gets a question wrong he uses that as evidence in his favour, saying "See, I told you I couldn't revise!" I think my SO needs to take a huge step back and let me continue trying to make the kid retain some of this information by myself.

My SO said last night, that if we had rented together before buying, we'd have never bought our house because of how stressful he's finding it at the moment. Which is hard to hear. And I don't know what to do to make it easier on him if he won't take a step back from it.

Rags's picture

Why would you want DH to disengage if he is partnering with you to kick your DS in the tail bone to get him to the adult launching point.

Sally nailed it IMHO. Support DH as he supports you and tag team your infuriating teen to get him launched. If your kid does not pass his exams guess who's sofa he will likely be occupying for the forseeable future? That won't bode well for your marriage if DH is nearing the end of his tolerance level.

In the interest of full disclosure.... my parents had to tag team keeping their proverbial boots up my ass to get me from 16 to launched. My wife and I had to do the same with my Skid since my mother cursed us to "have a kid just like YOU! (me)"

happybutfrustrated's picture

I'd like to see him at least take a step back purely because of how down he's getting. It's exhausting for me dealing with it and he's my kid, I feel things would be better for my SO at home if he disengaged himself from the school work stuff. He gets so disheartened with it all.

I do support him, even if I don't immediately agree with what he's saying. We never undermine each other in front of any of the kids; we'll make sure we're alone and there's never a blazing row over that stuff. We have discussed a course of action and how to get BS16 through the next three months; we talked about maybe guiding away from further education and more towards work straight out of school but he wants to go to college, and he can if he gets the results he needs. He had been working in an office over the school holidays, and everyone comments on how hard working and polite he is so maybe school just isn't for him.

I love him for setting us on the right path, and I'm grateful that he has because I'm not a natural teacher at all... But I feel that now it's not smooth sailing, it's become more of a burden than he wants to be stuck with, and I'm more than happy to take it on by myself if it's getting him so down.

Rags's picture

My Skid (SS-22) was much like your son at that age. Very smart, but lazy, lazy, lazy. Your son has the advantage of having a good work ethic. Ultimately my SS did fail the first semester of his Sr. year of high school. He was at a top tier boarding school (military) and had re-engaged with his SPerm Idiot who hacked the school fire wall so they could stay up all night playing WoW. We yanked SS out of boarding school and brought him home at Christmas break. He was not expecting that. He loved Military School. We jerked a knot in his tail, took him to Philly and dropped him off at a homeless camp under the interstate for a couple of hours. Then on the way back home told him we either go to his graduation on June 2 or we would drop him off with his new friends and he could figure it all out on his own. That kid was one focused and hard working individual. At boarding school he only needed Sr. English 1 & 2 his entire year to graduate. Unfortunately they were not both available the second semester or over summer school. When we brought him home he still needed Sr. English 1 & 2 and he needed two math classes, two career path classes (he took 2 music records management classes) and a comprehensive Sr. project that the rest of his class was assigned in December of Jr. year. SS had 9 weeks to complete a 15mo project. He graduated on time and with honors. Karma bit him in the butt and DW maintains to this day that holding him accountable for his actions, bringing him home to finish at a school where he knew no one, to a much heavier work load, and making him shovel countless tons of snow from our driveway, patio, and sidewalks during the three record snow storms we had between Dec and March was the last chance she/we had to prove the lesson that actions and decisions count and have consequences.

My SS did have the maturity and character to assertively tell my wife and I when he was 17 and just graduated from high school that he was not ready for college, it would be a waste of our money, and his time. We continued to keep our boots firmly applied to his butt and he enlisted in the USAF when he was 18. He is 4 years in to his first 6 years and is planning on re-enlisting with the intent of making his first career the AF and retiring. He is working on his BSCS though at a much slower pace than his mom and I would like. But, since he is paying for it through his employment benefits we limit out advice to encouragement.

IMHO the key to resolution in the situation you are dealing with is the teamwork and partnership that you and your DH already have. That is what worked for DW and me as we navigated the frustrating teen boy years. If you give DH that message he will likely take a deep breath, relax a bit, and continue to work with you to parent your 16yo to a successful launch.

Good luck.

counseling.advocate's picture

As long as you are doing what you are supposed to be doing to support your son's success, then your DH won't feel like he needs to interfere. He probably doesn't want to. But feels like he cares enough about him and his parents aren't doing their due diligence and that he can do a better job to put him on the right path.

My DH doesn't do what he needs to do to parent his girls effectively. I always have to step in because they are going to be rotten, fat, who knows what because he and his mom just let things slide too damn much. It's like he thinks because they are their mom's kids then they are destined to be what they are and he can't make a difference. WRONG! I constantly step in and it drives me insane that he doesn't do his part. Now he does sometimes, don't get me wrong. He's a great father in lots of other ways. If he did do his part when it comes to the tough shit, then I wouldn't interfere and would happily disengage, and take care of my own son and be blissful.

Kid doesn't listen? Take everything away from him.

lol. I know you are a supportive and caring mother. Listen to your DH and try to carry out what he wants too, wish mine would. Good luck!