50/50 Arrangement doesn't WORK!!!
I am a Step-Mom to a 8-year old child with Autism, Biological Mom to 12-year old daughter. My daughter lives with me and my husband full time, the Step-son lives with us 50/50, every other week. I am a registered nurse. The step-child has not been formally diagnosed with Autism but I am almost CERTAIN he is Autistic. He has been diagnosed with ADD (not ADHD). He is slow, he speaks slow, he moves slow, he eats slow, he is very very slow. He doesn't get social cues, he is fascinated by numbers, time, years. His speech is very delayed.
Step child was adopted by ex-wife and my husband. She could not have her own kids. He is adopted from Mexico under very shady circumstances... (which I have found out about recently) Adoption Agency is now out of business and the "missionary" is in Mexican prison for being a Baby Broker. Bio Mom was paid off to give up several of her kids for adoption after coming across the boarder in Texas... This happened with several other women and a total of 30+ kids were adopted by families in Northeast US. What a mess! Still legally, he's adopted.
So, this child lives in my home 50/50, his adoptive mother is a total FREAK. She hates me! Turns step child against me, tells him I don't mean anything... He has a very bad persona towards me. Thinks he's not in my home to listen to me, he's only there to spend time with his DAD. He often walks right by me and ignores me, talking only directly to his Dad. The ex is on welfare, she only works 15hrs per week as a medical transcriptionist and collects food stamps and other state aid. My husband thus PAYS her child support because she's poor and chooses to remain poor.
Another note, this step child is 8-years old, he is dark skinned and obviously looks Hispanic. He does not understand the fact that he is adopted and that his Adoptive parents are not his biological parents. No one is willing to tell him about his or explain this to him. Kids are beginning to ask him "where are you from", "is this your real Dad".
My husband is totally in tune with what is going on. I hate being around this kid when he's in my home. He actually said to "I have to be her because the judge said I have to be here". Now where could that possibly be coming from? He repeats verbatim things he has been told by is Adoptive Mother. This stuff sometimes literally floors me. My husband feels responsible for this child, he treats him as his own but MY GOD he's different, weird... kind like a bad "Forest Gump". The ex was totally manipulating him at first, emailing and texting constantly... I put an end to that. We try to have very little contact. The step child rides the bus to our house on every other Monday. Exchanges only on off school dates. Summer is miserable.
I tried to communicate with her as I'm taking care of this child half of his life but she texts my husband telling him for me not to communicate with her as I have no legal rights to her son. She pretends I'm invisible and that is exactly how she tells step child to act towards me.
Child now goes with her to counseling and it's been getting even worse. He says weird things to me. Constantly points out that he likes spending time with his DAD and he's in my home to be with his DAD.
This is a very frustrating situation for me. My daughter dislikes this step child. Probably is picking up my responses and behavior towards this kid. I don't like him. I hate the way he talks, makes me want to say "spit it out", he's so annoying to listen to... He doesn't like me and I don't like him. Crazy since he lives in my home! The ex-wife is constantly putting things in his head so he doesn't like me. We have no way of ever bonding this way. I hate my life every other week! Help!
" My daughter dislikes this
" My daughter dislikes this step child. Probably is picking up my responses and behavior towards this kid. I don't like him."
And so is the little boy. Then you wonder why the child (nor his mother) want for him to have nothing to do with you? Adopted or not, this child is now your husband's son. When is DH going to continue with the diagnosing and getting some assistance on how to teach and deal with his son? This child should be getting the training he needs to function to his full ability. Your an RN, you know that.
BM doesn't have to speak to
BM doesn't have to speak to you. You are not the kid's parent and he isn't there to visit you. More than likely, the kid has gone home and told mom that you and your daughter dislike him. Of course that would send mom into mama bear mode.
Every one I know who has adoptable children, loves those kids like they are his/her own, because the kids are theirs. The fact that you seem to have an issue with your husband feeling this way about his son is sick.
^That^
^That^
I am speechless. I have a SS
I am speechless. I have a SS on the spectrum. He used to talk slowly, does eat slowly, activities are done slowly, motor planning is non existent. His way of speaking is blunt and he looks right through me at times. And not one of those is my issues with him. His special needs CANNOT be controlled. Your SS is not a LFA/ non communicative so ALL his problems can be helped. Instead of complaining here why have you not pushed for him to get assessed, get into a remedial school and attend OT and Soeech Therapy. I'm a firm believer exhaust all options before you start huffing and stomping your feet. And even then try some more. His not liking you is part of the package we all have to deal with at some point. My SS does not like me some days and others loves me. His mother hates my guts. So what. I am in a relationship with my spouse not his ex crazy and his son does come to see his father not me.
There's no getting around the
There's no getting around the fact the the OP's dislike for the kid is so bad, that her daughter has picked up on it and is acting o it as well. If her daughter is aware of her feelings for that poor boy, there's no he doesn't knowant as well. Hopefully dad will open his eyes and remove the OP from his kid's lite.
I tend to be extremely
I tend to be extremely pragmatic in dealing with these kinds of issues as far as my opinions are concerned. In your case, you are the problem I think. This kid has issues and sadly your own issues are far more toxic and telling than his.
I understand that his BM (adoptive) is a confrontational influence in your life but she is also protecting her child from a woman who in large part creates a situation where her son is not welcomed, included, or cared for emotionally when he is visiting his father.
Do some soul searching and figure out how to tap your professionalism and apply it to this kid. We all understand the struggles and issues with SParenting. If you adjust your perspective a bit you will find that you will get much more support.
Good luck.