Stopped caring to save my marriage
I have officially stopped caring about ss13 and how he turns out. Dh and I have been seeing a marriage therapist, and dh has expressed that he wanted me to have a better relationship with ss13. Well if I'm "caring" about him, I'm knit-picking him, then I piss dh off.
Yesterday we went to the science museum. It was BS10 months first time there and of course he doesn't understand any of it, but it was cute watching him play with stuff. Ss13 all day was interrupting mine and dh conversations, taking over the displays from other kids - forcefully nudging himself in, and the pushing himself into what BS and I was doing. This got me irritated beyond hell. Every single time I was show BS how something worked, ss13 had to push his way into it and push me out. So much as trying to put his face to a magnifying glass before my face got there. I would tell him to stop everytime and to goby his dad.
Finally I had it and told dh about it. His response was that's what autistic children do. Ss13 was just diagnosed with ASD, but very high functioning, so high that the therapist said he would live a normal life. I told dh that he can't just use his diagnosis to his benefit. The previous night I told ss13 to go to bed, dh didn't like that because it was only 830pm. I explained that the therapist said it was best to keep him on schedule and Bm sends him to bed at 830. Dh disagreed and said that "our schedule" is 9pm. In my perception, it seems that dh is trying g to get out of conflict with ss13.
I then explained, that even if this was a trait of ASD, that the behavior still needed to be corrected. Otherwise ss will always be this rude child. That didn't go over well and we got into this long heated debate. I finally said I would just stop carrying about his outcome to save out marriage.
So I can see this now, ss13 will never shower, never brush his teeth-their already brown, never be corrected for his rude behavior and will never succeed in life after high school because they feel a D average is okay for ss, because he is "special".
So I will never go out in public with them again, I will just work every weekend he is here. I do t want people to think this rude, smelly child is mine. No way.
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This is why I gave up. I will
This is why I gave up. I will not care anymore, I only need to worry about the child I brought into this world.
"but you still have to do
"but you still have to do it."
Nope, not my problem anymore. BS10months was the only child I brought into this world, and he is the only child I will make sure turns out okay. I no longer care how ss13 turns out, ss had two parents that can decide how he is raised and I am not one of them.
My ss13 is profoundly
My ss13 is profoundly autistic. He is not a head banger or non-verbal but it's very obvious he's got autism. The word "profound" comes from the specialists, not me, so I'm not exaggerating.
He says please and thank you. 9 times out of 10 without being prompted. He takes his dinner dishes to the sink. He picks up his snack dishes and any others he notices lying around. His chores are sweep the front hall and the dining room and clean the bathroom sink. (He could certainly do more--I have my own battles to fight)
We make him do reading, book reports, maps, math, social studies, history -- all of it. Teachers tell us he's best in the class at math and the other kids will come to him for the answers.
Every autistic kid is different. But what I've learned is they are creatures of habit, it comforts them so much. So once you teach them a habit, it's a lot of auto-pilot after that.
If you have no expectations for the kid, guess what, you'll get nothing from him. That's on dad.
For me, my autistic stepchild is vastly easier to deal with than his Teen Queen sister. If yours is really autistic, you may be able to take the bull by the horns and teach the kid yourself. I have done so. The secret is autistic kids will usually take orders from anybody. They make no emotional distinctions like the resentful and angry and insecure other kids. So speak firmly to him, "No interrupting, ss." After the tenth time, start using your Scary Lady Voice. Just let dad be irrelevant when you can.
I know this may or may not work in your circumstances. But in my house we've made a lot of headway like this. Yes, sometimes I'm hemmed in by dad and his low(indulgent) expectations, too. But in other ways Dad has been inspired by the results I've gotten with my firmness and demands. Good luck.
ETA Oh, and he brushes his teeth for heaven's sake! Long before I came along!
I had to do the same - give
I had to do the same - give up caring to save my relationship. Which, of course, is sooooo ironic, because our spouses want us to care - but as you said, caring means correcting and teaching and consequences. And that means fights with our spouses. So where the heck is the reward in THAT deal??
My husband has said, in the heat of the moment "When was the last time you had a kind thought about or word for SS16?" And internally I kick him in the balls. Because of course that's never the full story, is it. I'm not really being cruel for being upset at a crappy report card, or having to ask for the fifth time for something to be done, or for pointing out that if he's wearing a wrist brace because he's supposedly injured, he shouldn't be going snowboarding... but we all know how these things spiral out of control. He doesn't want to hear my criticisms/concerns/complaints I think because he takes it personally. As if I'm telling him he's a bad parent with a bad child.
I simply tell him now, if he mentions something and asks for my opinion, that "I wouldn't do it that way, but we have very different parenting styles. You do what you think is best." One thing that has come from it - he's thinking a lot more about how I would do something. He's even doing some of it. All without my interference.
I wish dh could understand
I wish dh could understand that me correcting ss behaviors is a sign of me caring. I want ss to brush his teeth and shower daily, so he forms good habits and also not to get picked on at school. I want ss to learn good social manners so ss can make friends at school. Ss has no friends at school because he is socially awkward. I want him to get good grades in school so he can get into college and succeed in life.
But dh thinks my correcting is knit picking. I just pray that ss doesn't turn out to be a second generation welfare recipient and pops out babies like his mother. I also pray that he does not end up in jail and Disney dh here doesn't pay his bail everytime.
It's so hard, isn't it? I
It's so hard, isn't it? I understand your motives. My DH understands mine too, I think, but just can't bring himself to live it. I asked him once if he's afraid his kids won't like him anymore, but he denied that it was a motive. Just stated he struggles with parenting them.
I'm starting to feel same way
I'm starting to feel same way about SD10. Sometimes it feels like I give more of a crap that her BM or BD.
I told DH just this weekend,
I told DH just this weekend, "I give up. I no longer care. If they get hurt, get pregnant or whatever, IT'S ON YOU TWO"
I have lost so much respect for my dh in the last year it's just plain disheartening. I have strict rules for my kids, because I did and it works.
But hey let your 11 year old, bathe when or if she feels like it, text on her iphone to who ever she wants, ask a boy to a middle school dance, die her hair pink and yeah my favorite shit/piss herself because she has problems. WHATEVER.
I was disengaged except to when it came to going out because I didn't want people to assume I was a crap mother. I am tempted to just wear a shirt that says "I am just the SM, they don't belong to me".
My partner's excuse for his
My partner's excuse for his daughter's repeated bad manners is, "she's just a kid!". She turns 16 this year! When is he going to teach her manners then?
My husband likes to use the
My husband likes to use the line, " you're an adult and he's a child". I get this a lot when I try to explain that I can't make out relationship any better between ss13 and myself. Why would I want a better relationship with ss, when I'm so disgusted to be around him.