This weekend has been rough. Last night after the kids went to bed I calmly sat down with DH and told him that this wasn't working for me. I told him I wasn't blaming him and I didn't want to get into a huge fight, but neither one of us is happy and so I think it's best that we part ways. I told him I didn't want to do anything rashly, that we'd take the time that we need to figure out how to split things and whatnot evenly since there wasn't a rush.

I told him that I loved him deeply and I always would, but that I felt that he was merely in love with the fact that I loved him and that he didn't love ME as a person. I told him I've always felt like an oddball and so it's not his fault, but that I'm tired of feeling bad for just acting like myself.

He said that he felt I was jumping the gun since he just got home, but I told him that he knew I had been feeling this way prior to him leaving and that I put everything on hold just for the sake of not making a major change during that time. Each and every opportunity he's had to show me things are different since then (it's been 3 days) he's let me down and I just don't see any true remorse for what's happened. I told him it sucks and that I DO resent the situation with BM/SD because instead of being a normal couple that financially starts from $0, we started at -$100,000. I thought that once the divorce was finalized that they'd settle into a normal routine, but BM is so fucking insane that it's just constant. nonstop. drama.

I told DH that this was something I felt I needed to do for my physical and mental health. He insists that it's a rough patch that we'll get through if we work at it. I told him I had been working, which is why I spent the entire time he was away in therapy to develop better ways of coping with the situation. He keeps saying that this month he'll have all this time and that he's going to focus on our marriage but I always feel like it's "after the kids go to bed" "tomorrow" "next weekend" and when those times come something else always comes up. By the time he comes to the bedroom and says he's ready to have a discussion he's so worn out he falls asleep within the first fifteen minutes and I'm just left by myself, awake and unfulfilled.

I've been going to the gym but half assing my workouts (except for ball slams... I have enough pent up rage where those have been great) and I haven't been comforting myself with food so that's good. I just wish I could find a way to lift my spirits. I keep (foolishly) hoping that DH will pull some grand gesture out of his pocket that will renew my faith in our relationship, but I know that relying on someone else for my happiness is a surefire way to end up disappointed.