What should one look for in a boyfriend?
There aren't many articles out there for people who already have kids, so I decided to come here. Imagine for a minute (if you are married) that you aren't married and simply looking to date a man, possibly even marry. But you have kids, and let's pretend that he does as well. What are your expectations? Men, answer this as well. What should you bring to the table?
Maybe give your top 5 important things because many will overlap.
This might give you some ideas, but I'm really looking for ideas pertaining to men w/ kids.
http://danext.hubpages.com/hub/20-Tips-of-How-to-be-the-Best-Boyfriend
I think this is a great group project, because I see a lot of women on here putting up with a LOT of crap from their SO's (and vice versa). With all of us having different experiences, I know some of you will come up with things I'd never even think of.
If we both had kids?
If we both had kids? Honestly, one of my criteria would be that the kids never live together. I know it's a bit weird, but I just wouldn't want my kids living with other kids that weren't related to them. So he'd have to be willing to live apart until all the kids were on their own.
If he had drama w/ his ex but
If he had drama w/ his ex but did not share any of it with you, would that be okay? So instead of knowing what's going on (drama) you would be clueless. Does it only matter if it starts infecting your own life?
I like that list in the link
I like that list in the link you provided... SO does most of the 20, except we've had to work on #6 and #8. Be her hero in every aspect and be in control. These are the two areas related to dating a man with kids that I have a problem with... he needs to be in control of himself and his baggage - and not let those bitches (his ex and/or kids) control him. }:) And he needs to work to make me admire him as my hero...which SO has done by working on himself, finding us a good counselor, paying for it and actually doing the homework. It also helps that he's been my Superman this year during all the snow by not letting me touch a shovel even when he's had a backache.
All I ask for from a man with kids is that he doesn't make me deal with unnecessary BULLSHIT that I could easily solve if I were in his shoes. That's been the problem in our whole relationship... I keep my baggage smelling fresh and tied up in a pretty bow, while his was overflowing out of garbage bags, stinking to high heaven and getting chicken juice all over my pretty carpet. Just control your shit, because if it starts getting on me, I toss all the shit out (mama's, exes, kids, and dumb ass men with no balls)!
I hear ya...
I hear ya...
i would never date someone
i would never date someone who has kids again. ever. Unless they were off of CS and the ex was not tied to him in any way.
otherwise, for me, its always been similar education levels, drive, ambition and they have to be neat, clean, organized and not be someone prone to being late all the time.
respect is important and for me they must share my religion.
I would never date a woman
I would never date a woman with children again.
ditto all of that... I would
ditto all of that... I would absolutely never date a man with kids again. My BF likes to think that if our roles were reversed that he'd never have any of the feelings I do about all this crap. Hogwash. Easy to stand on that soapbox knowing that's just never going to happen.
I think one of the biggest
I think one of the biggest challenges for any relationship is when one partner is expecting the other to be someone they are not.
What I think a man with kids should bring to the table:
1) We shall care for each others kids and help each other raise them, but in no way should we be expected to love them as our own.
2) I am not needy, but I do expect some quality "alone time" once in a while so we can enjoy each other's company.
3) When I consider the children's needs, I shall endeavor to consider all of them. However, I shouldn't be second guessed and challenged if I decided to just treat one of them. I will not refrain from treating one child just because can't treat all of them. That to me is like saying "You can't watch TV, because if you do, you have to watch ALL the channels just to be fair."
4) Communicate, communicate, communicate. If something is wrong, SPEAK UP.
5) Last but not least; My marriage is my number one priority, but my children are my number one responsibility
NO KIDS!!!! Thats it, I can
NO KIDS!!!! Thats it, I can deal with a lot of crazy but NO KIDS!!!
I would never date anyone
I would never date anyone that had children ever again.
To me it seems unlikely to
To me it seems unlikely to ever engage in a man with kids again.
But if I could turn back time, and choose again based on what I now know, my list would look something like this:
His mother has accepted that her little boy has grown up, and does not interfere in minor details like colour of his curtains etc.
His mother is ready to welcome a new daughter in law, and does not spend her time talking about her precious one
His parents are ready to accept extra-grandchildren in the family as their own
His kids are well behaved and have accepted that their parents have split up.
His kids are ready to welcome another woman in their life
Kids on both sides like each other.
He does not need to brag about his kids
He is ready to be a step-father , and accepts kids from previous marriage.
His ex, and her ex are normal and have carried on with their life, and have their own new partners, and ready to make the best out of things for the sake of the kids, and they welcome a new parent in their kids lives
He has moved on and is not seeking a substitute for his ex
He has a problem-free relationship with his ex
He is housetrained, and is ready to commit for life.
He is ready to do everything that needs to be done when things are difficult - seek out therapy etc
He is honest about what kind of man he is, and is ready to live up to promises he made
He is not a Disney Dad
He is ready to put others needs first, and to take his part of running the every-day family life
He will get out of bed in the mornings and spend time with the new family-unit
He is ready to adress problems and to stick to agreements
He will think of things to do together with everyone
He will have an education, and so does the rest of his family
His ex only talks of him in nice terms
He will seek guidance from his friends and not from his mother if there is a problem, and want to find solutions
That is pretty much my list, and to be honest, I think no such man excists
It's sad when you not only
It's sad when you not only have to worry about the ex, but also the mom... I know exactly what you mean. And I agree, no such man exists! LOL
I'm LOL at all those "NEVER
I'm LOL at all those "NEVER AGAIN" posts. But you guys still have lots to offer. What if you found someone without kids? What else would you want? Because I know you wouldn't jump on the first dude you found without kids!
Right! Before reuniting with
Right! Before reuniting with SO, I used to blast this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdHF-XLQhfM 21 Things I Want in a Lover by Alanis Morrisette. SO is the first and only man with kids who got more than three dates! NOW, I agree with the others. I wouldn't go for someone with children! SO lucked out because we dated in our teens and he's always been a sweetie. If he was a stranger, he would have been GONE and laughed about with my friends the first time his BM contacted me...week 5. History saved our relationship.
If I had kids and was
If I had kids and was entering a marital relationship with a woman with kids....
1. The relationship has to be the priority for both adults. It takes precedence over everything including any and all kids regardless of kid biology. The relationship must be between equity life partners.
2. Kids, regardless of their biology, are the top responsibility for both partners and both partners must be equity parents to all kids in the home regardless of kid biology.
3. Household rules will be made by the adults and both adults will enforce the rules of appropriate kid behavior with all children regardless of their biology.
Add the Step Parents Bill of Rights here.
Good idea! Why wait around to
Good idea! Why wait around to see how they parent? Give them a test! LOL
When I was married, having a SD wasn't the biggest problem. It was that exH was a psychopath. So I'm still a little naive about stephell. But I have since dated two men with kids and in both the problems came from... the kids/parenting differences. Of course, both bm's are narcissistic and/or borderline personality. I really know how to pick 'em!
I think mine would have to be
I think mine would have to be (of course, after knowing that we are compatible and he has all the personality qualities I'm looking for)...
1. His Mommy is not more important than me. If we both needed something at the same time of similar importance, he will come to my aid first.
2. His child is not more important than me. If I break down, or am sick, or need help in some way, I better never hear, "But...child is here..."
3. He asks me out on dates and plans ahead; no drop by's. Because even if bm or child all of a sudden needs something, they can figure it out and he can keep his plans unless someone is in the hospital, etc.
4. He communicates; does not lie by omission.
5. Similar parenting. No Daddies that are "buddies" with their sons.
6. Not a loner. Has to have at least a couple of friends, and not anti-social.
I have to say, this has been very therapeutic for me. Reading others' and writing these down has made things concrete. Knowing others have similar issues make mine more real, like it's not in my head.