What is reasonable for the post high school years?
I'm new to ST but I've been a SM for over 10 years. SD15.75 lives with us during the school year (and always has). Her grades are very much lower than they should be given her intelligence (Bs, Cs, Ds), her attitude is horrendous (she refuses to speak to me but cannot/will not explain to anyone why and she treats H like crap), and she has no responsibility or accountability in our house. H has never liked or supported me disciplining her, nor has he ever really disciplined her for anything, and we are now living with the consequences of that. H and I have children together and we are literally living like 2 separate families under one roof (I refuse to parent my bios as my SD is parented). I slowly disengaged with SD about 1.5 years ago and all that really did was change the arguments between H and I, but it did allow me to release myself from some of the stress and guilt over how SD is turning out as a young adult. H resents me very much for the disengagement but at this point, I'm willing to accept that has a consequence. Getting to my question for the forum...it's clear by the report cards coming home that SD will not be receiving any scholarships for college (she also refuses to participate in any extracurricular activities and instead lays in bed all day watching whatever she wants on the cellphone BM provided and pays for). When discussing her future with her, H out of the blue tells her she is welcome to live with us after high school (while attending a local college) so that it won't be so expensive for her to go to college. I wasn't present during this talk, but he let me in on the convo as a courtesy (he usually doesn't like to talk with me about the convos he and SD have). I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. Shouldn't I have gotten a vote in this?? IMO he is just reinforcing her laziness and rewarding her with free room and board at a time in her life when she needs to be gently pushed from the nest and allowed to get her footing in the real world. I expressed my COMPLETE OUTRAGE that he would make such an offer without discussing with me first. I do not expect him to revoke his offer and at this point, there's a REALLY GOOD chance that she's not going to go anywhere on her own (given her grades/attitude). Is this a hill worth dying on (push comes to shove and I'll be the one moving out with my bios b/c he has never chosen us over SD)??
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yes, definitely. now that
yes, definitely. now that he's made his decision without your input (a BIG no-no in a marriage), he will have to listen to YOUR input. i'm not saying he has to revoke his offer, but you will be allowed to make stipulations (whatever you feel you need to remain in your home such as sd working in addition to school, curfews, chores, rent, consequences, time limits, etc...) if your dh refuses your input, pack your bags cause you will be MUCH happier without this man.
I would love to compromise
I would love to compromise with stipulations, but I've been down that road with him before and it has never worked. Actually, last summer I had him put in writing the rules of the house for her bc he was "having trouble remembering" what she should be doing to help out around the house and what his expectations of grades were. When she came back from summer at BM's he went over the written rules with her. 4 months later, every single rule/grade requirement was broken and there was no punishment/consequence for her. He and she "forgot" they had a written agreement in place, so when I reminded him that she was due some privilege removals World War 8,392 broke out between us. Ugh...as I type this out and read the comments above, I realize how far from reality I've been living. I guess I should have seen this coming and I guess I have about 2 years to plan for the inevitable. Anyone have a time machine I could borrow?!?
yes, do plan, but don't wait
yes, do plan, but don't wait 2 years. don't waste 1 more day than you have to with this man. begin planning now. tell your dh what you are doing and why. let your dh see every step of the way. leave real estate guides lying around, let him see you cashing out cd's, begin boxing stuff up and moving to storage, begin shopping for your new home. men don't listen to words, they respond to action. start sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. I purchased a roll-a-way bed and slept on it in the living room for 6 months while I was preparing to leave. ex dh "tried" half-heartedly to get me to stay. a week after I moved out he wanted counseling. ha! too little too late. but, he didn't love me the way he should have. if your dh sees you preparing to move, he'll either step up or not. either way you will be better off and the lopsided power in your life will be righted.
This is bull crap. My DH does
This is bull crap. My DH does this crap and it royally ticks me off. He just reduced you to toddler status in your own freaking home. Might as well call SD his wife, since he just treated her like a decision making, contributing member of your household and treated you like an ignorant 2nd grader who needs to be told what to do.
ANY and ALL decisions that affect your finances, your marriage, your household should be discussed with YOU, prior to any decisions being made. This would be a hill to die on for me.
Anything can happen between
Anything can happen between now and then, but I would have a conversation with him about your expectations of her while living there after high school.
Since he made the offer without talking to you, it seems only fair that you can make the rules and he needs to enforce them (or he can retract his offer to her).
Since you've tried the rule thing before, you need to think about what you are willing to do if it falls apart again. Are you willing to leave? Make them leave? What are you willing to do between now and then to make him take you seriously?
Or you could find her a boyfriend and maybe she'll get married and move out that way!
Lol, HereIAm! I've thought
Lol, HereIAm! I've thought about the boyfriend angle but she can't seem to keep one for too long (or even a friend). Guess she shows her true self at school just as she does at home.