Advise on how to respond to ????
I am tired of my osd and her dh never being happy for my dh & I when we get something or do something. I have come to realize they never compliment us on anything. They only ask questions.
Last year when my dh & I were in the process of purchasing a new home I bought a small kitchen table with four chairs. Very nice set that I was excited to get. I put them in our spare bedroom to store until we could move. My osd came and spent the nite in the spare room and never even acknowledged that she saw the table (which the room is very small). A few days later my daughter-n-law comes over and see's the table and went on about how pretty it was.
Then we move. OSD & her dh came for a visit and never gave any kind compliment on the house and stranger still is they never mail us anything but asked for the address of our new home.
We had been married for about ten years at the time and our furniture was rather old and somewhat worn. I actually had one of those really old flowered print couches made back in the 70"s. So when we purchased our new home we also purchased furniture. A new couch, love seat and recliner. We also got a new fridge, stove, & built in microwave. My osd comes over and asks about the living room furniture. She says "did you get this on craigslist?, did you get that on craigslist? It was like she was taking inventory of my home. When I would say "no, we bought that new at such-n-such store" She would ask "was it expensive?" She asked "where these curtains left here or did you already have them?" On and on.
Once osd's dh was in our kitchen while my dh was wiping down our stove and he asks my dh "are you trying to make it look new?" My dh replied, "It is new".
Also, recently I had my hair done. I have grey hair and went in and got a cut and had a reverse frost put on. It looked really nice. Osd comes down for a visit and during the visit she says "what did you do to your hair? I tell her but never hear any kind of compliment.
Okay, so in the past I would just fall all over myself answering the questions mistaking the questions as care or compliment. I have come to the conclusion they are only fishing for information.
I no longer want to answer their questions but I also don't want to make it obvious what I am doing or not doing.
Any advise on how I can respond to these questions and really not answer them?
How about, "We are very sorry
How about, "We are very sorry but we had to buy it with your inheritance."
Where is the freaking like
Where is the freaking like button when you NEEEED it?!?!?
I soooo wish I could say
I soooo wish I could say that.
My Skids are still young, but
My Skids are still young, but when they ask me stupid questions I always respond with "What do you think"
did you get this on craigslist
What do you think
are you trying to make it look new
What do you think
what did you do to your hair
What do you think
But that's just me. I also don't care if they don't like my responses to their questions.
When SD14 was 5 or 6, we
When SD14 was 5 or 6, we bought a used Harley. SD asks in her snottiest BM voice 'How can you and Dad afford a Harley?' We have jobs I replied.
this SD is the only skid to actually want to finish high school, go to college and get a job to buy things. Maybe my answer actually made the light bulb go on for her. Even her BM is fine to live off the minimal govt check and be as poor a dirt.
You should just play dumb and
You should just play dumb and say you have no idea where those curtains came from or whatever. If they're fishing for info, then the best answer is "I don't know" or "not too sure about that". I'm sure you avoiding to answer the questions would aggravate then enough to just shut up about it.
I think that underneath a
I think that underneath a thin veneer of civility, there's a whole lot of negativity going on with your skids.
From what you describe, SD seems to dislike you, and may love her father, but doesn't like or respect him. Does your DH bend over for her like he does for his son? Does she also treat him like a convenient resource to be tapped?
She probably asked for your address in order to google how much you paid for your home. And she's not complimenting your purchases because she's not happy about them. That smells like entitlement and old resentments to me.
For whatever reason, these people don't seem to wish you well, so I wouldn't put up with their rude questions. Turn it around on them. "Why would you ask that?" "Why do you want to know?"
Thank you. I think you hit
Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head exjulie.
My dh has always been a very hard working, involved father. Downside is my dh is a people pleaser. skids bm has pas'ed the kids out. With that combination you get arrogant, unappreciative, entitled kids. Two of his three kids are estranged from us. OSD herself went a year and a half estranged from us.
I think osd & her dh ask questions to gather info for the rest of the estranged part of the family. I am slow but now that the "ding ding ding we have a winner Johnny light blub as lit up" in my slow brain, I am done catering to their game. I really like the idea of answering questions with questions and that is my plan.
I could smell the PAS in your
I could smell the PAS in your post, jam. And I bet you're correct about your OSD collecting intelligence to share with the rest of the minions. Shredding you and your DH is probably a regular pastime for them.
I am utterly done with these adults who hold one hand out while flipping us the bird with the other, and these guilty fathers who get mad at us should we object to the exploitation.
Your skids probably feel zero loyalty towards their father or you. Good for you for seeing through the smoke and mirrors. Now you can take the steps necessary to protect your heart and your wallet
Thank you exjulie. I have
Thank you exjulie. I have learned that I can not talk about any issues about skids with anyone including my dh. I am so glad to have found this site where I can communicate with other who truly understand where I am coming from.
I hear you, and well. We are
I hear you, and well. We are estranged from both of my DH's adult kids. They were shameless about manipulating us both for $$. We had to accept that we weren't even seen as people by these skids, just a resource to be tapped when necessary.
It took me disengaging completely to change our dynamic. For years DH had refused to listen to my complaints while expecting me do all the emotional & relational heavy lifting for him. He was quite put out when I resigned as cruise director. It only took a few months for him to gain clarity about his kids and his non relationship with them. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for him to accept that his children don't care about him.
It's tough to know what's
It's tough to know what's going on with your SD from a post - whether this is weird personality quirk or something to do with you particularly. In any case though, I do agree that "Why do you ask?" is a good approach! It might even reveal why she's asking.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your replies.
I think I will answer their questions with questions. When I get the "did you get this on craigslist or what did you do to your hair type questions" I will reply "Oh! do you like it? If they follow up and ask the question again I think I will just reply "Why do you ask?
Thanks again!
You don't need her
You don't need her acknowledgement or approval for anything in your house etc. Just take her for what she is.....jealous and ignorant. She undoubtedly noticed the table and chairs, etc., but ignoring them is just plain jealously.
same thing with the new furniture you bought and asking you if you got it on Craig's list. That is also jealously and ignorance to make you feel bad. Don't fall for it.
when she starts that carp, consider the source and ignore. Also, don't feel bad when she doesn't acknowledge something....keep in mind she is jealous and smile inside.
*lol* Actually, the table
You are so right sdm. I just
You are so right sdm. I just want to stop playing into her little game. I hate games and always have but now instead of being sucked into her game I am willing to play a little game of my own. I am determined I am not answering anymore of their stupid questions. I just have to do this in a way that my dh does not see what I am doing. When it comes to osd my dh has simply been oblivious. If I say anything negative to my dh he goes straight into "auto osd defense mode".
I just read an article on
I just read an article on adult step children and how they will notice everything you buy, the vacation you take, the money you spend. The author said it was because "they have a territory to protect." I thought that was weird especially since we are talking about adult children who have supposedly moved on and out of the house. The article also stated that inheritance is always an issue.
I've seen this behavior with my adult steps as well. It seems like they almost want DH to keel over so they can get what's "rightfully theirs." ss30 would come in, look around and say, "did you bring this here or does this belong to THE HOUSE." Then he would take little things here and there. Things that he felt like were "his" since DH had them before we married. T
Don't worry, this doesn't
Don't worry, this doesn't happen anymore. Put the ol' bitch foot down. DH now has to "babysit" ss30 when he comes over so he can't just harvest things.
So glad you put your foot
So glad you put your foot down. I had similar issues in my home, which unfortunately was the first family marital home. I was treated like an unwelcome guest. The skids would help themselves. I too had to put my foot down.
They are strange, twisted
They are strange, twisted creatures, aren't they? I had to get burned many times before learning to disregard what they say & just watch their actions. Oh, and alcohol helps. Put some in my eldest skid and she becomes quite indiscreet. The suck up facade dropped and this grown woman with kids was bragging about how she was going to "Take my dad's credit cards and go shopping!" and how she wanted him to take us all on a cruise for his birthday. O Reely? I guess in her head, Fantasy Dad lives in a closet and she can take him out whenever she wants cash.
I can imagine your anger. I
I can imagine your anger. I would have been very upset over the table. I think one of the problems I have had with my skids is they felt they owned everything and I was just allowed to live in their home and use their possessions. Now we no longer live in the first family marital home and we have purchased new furniture.
Once my dh had purchased a tread mill for me. At first I used it faithfully and then had slacked off for a time. My osd called my dh and told him she was having back problems. Together THEY thought it would be a good idea to have a tread mill and my dh told osd she could have mine. I threw a hissy and said it is mine. When dh said "well you are not using it anyway", I replied that the tread mill could be a cloths hanger in my house just as easy as it can be in her's. By the way, lately, I do use it and like it.
yes, anything DH bought for
yes, anything DH bought for them or helped finance should rightfully be ours
We should be able to go into their homes uninvited at anytime, eat their food, make our wishlist and claim their items; all while being nasty to their faces and behind their backs.
My MIL used to ask me
My MIL used to ask me questions to get information all the time though she was not nearly as subtle. She wasn't interested in me, just seemed to be looking for ammo. I used to happily tell her details, until I realized over that she was using my answers to judge me as well as validate her crappy attitude (e.g. it's not that I'm jealous of Jennaspace, it's that she's a materialist who has too many things, etc..)
The question someone mentioned above "why do you ask" worked wonders. It stopped her in her tracks a number of times.
Regarding things like your hair, I'd just reply "oh I just got it done, why do you ask?" Minimal information, and now she's in the hot seat. You can say this in a lighthearted way to normalize it. This will likely stop this nonsense as she tires of it. If she asks you why you keep asking that, you can say something about being curious about her curiosity.
Thanks, I do want to keep it
Thanks, I do want to keep it lighthearted and turn the table to put her on the spot instead of me being on the spot.
That's what it did for me.
That's what it did for me. It feels really good to have the tables turned instead of taking up valuable mental real estate.
Bare her rude ass and make
Bare her rude ass and make sure you have fun doing it. }:)
Rather than answer her stupid quesitons photo shop receipts for any purchase you make so it looks like it came from the most expensive place around. Make sure you put a high price on the receipt and leave the paperwork in a logical but very visible place.
That way she will have more information at her finger tips and you likely won't get the stupid questions. If she does ask about your $10,000 dining set then you can answer with "Why do you ask?" that will put her on the smoking hot seat because she will have to bare her own ass about nosing through your papers. }:)
Enjoy!!!
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