What should I do?
Hi everyone
My sd is almost 20 years old. To make a long story short, she moved out last year and moved in with DH's mother. She refused to help around the house, flunked high school, wouldn't work, wouldn't go to school, was so disrespectful, hit my 4 & 6 year old, etc. She went crazy one day, cursed me out and jumped on her bike to ride her way to granny's. She's been there ever since. Granny thinks I'm a wicked witch to her precious baby. Anyway, her money has run out as of a few weeks ago. She had to get her own health insurance since she wouldn't go back to school. (she could have stayed on our family policy if she had stayed in school. She can go back on our policy if she would go back to school full time) She has spent the last year and a half living off granny, sleeping late, on the phone, texting, on computer, riding around, etc. She's on our cell phone plan. She paid $30 a month for her part (not near enough), then ran up a $350 bill fighting w her boyfriend. DH didn't make her pay it because she doesn't have $s. DH gave her a vehicle without even telling me. Now it needs some repair and DH wants to fix it for her bcause his "child" doesn't have the $s. Granny calls today and asks DH what he's going to do because SD went to get her prescription filled and it was $200.She has insurance, but there is a $200 deductible that started over at the beginning of the year. She doesnt have the $s. Neither do we. She also doesnt have the $s to pay $30 a month for a cell phone. I wish granny would stop pressuring DH to take care of his "child". I feel like we've already done enough. She brought this on herself. She wouldn't be in this mess if she had gone to school, not been lazy and been respectful to other family members. She told us all to kiss off when she moved in with granny. I wish granny and dh would tell her to get her butt back in school full time and beat the pavement looking for a job. If she worked and went to school, she wouldn't have time for all the drama with her boyfriend. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm tired of supporting a grown "baby" when I still have 3 minor children at home to take care of. I wish my mother in law would have butt out a long time ago. She gave SD a place to run to when she wouldn't abide by our rules. I have to be careful what I say about her though as DH thinks his mom walks on water. Geez! Gimme a break.
I can truly sympathize. 22
I can truly sympathize. 22 year old SD tends to want a lot of financial help from us and 19 year old SS needs money for college. Yes, we didn't marry our spouses to provide for their grown children. My thoughts are if they are grown up enough to move out, that is sending a statement that we shouldn't provide for them anymore. I certainly didn't move out of state after getting married and expect my parents to provide for my family. Even after my first husband died I didn't go begging for help. I lived off life insurance money and death benefits from Social Security til I remarried and lost 1/2 that part for being a widow. Once you remarry SSI doesn't pay you spouse benefits. My husband makes less than what I got in SSI and there are days I wish I hadn't taken the vows just so we'd have more income but I was gullible and hadn't really gotten to know the stepchildren at that point.
My YSD never graduated high school, has no GED or driver's license and prides herself in being a "stay at home mom" on WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid, etc. She is married to a man who can't provide for her and her son and who is also abusive. Somehow the grown children think because of the parental link, they are always the little girl or boy the parents raised instead of the human being who needs to grow up, value becoming independent, self reliant, etc. If at any time I'd of had to live with either set of my grandparents at 20 years old, I would be expected to be working full time if not be in college and I'd be helping with bills. Of course that was before cell phones were a hot ticket item.
I get uptight too knowing I have a 9 year old living at home (mine) that we have to provide for. It's as if DH's children don't realize we're in the same boat even though we may not have as many minor children. He has 15 grandchildren total. I'm lucky in that I have my MIL's support on not letting the stepchildren treat me like a doormat. MIL doesn't like her grandchildren trying to take advantage of me and reminds me of the word "NO" a lot, even if her own son won't say it.
Until your DH and his mother, your MIL, are willing to put things in perspective, you are fighting a losing battle. You can scream, yell, withhold sex, you name it and nothing is going to change. You either live with it or go the divorce route. Now in my case I'm lucky as my husband would be piss poor without me. I hold the financial power and if he needs reminding, he gets it whether he likes it or not. Trust me at some point your SD will truly show her ass and DH and your MIL (granny) will finally get to a place where they'd have enough. They are just not there YET.
I go to counseling for my peace of mind and to get stronger. I have six stepchildren to deal with and at times I feel like I am losing my mind. Now one of my friends has fixed her SD phone problem. She reports it stolen, still pays for the monthly bill and it keeps the SD in line. It's amazing when privileges start being taken away how a stepchild realizes who holds the power. Granted the cell phone bill is in my friend's name but you see where I'm going with it. The SD ran up a $500 phone bill and like your husband, my friend's DH paid for it. Chewing the SD out did no good but fixing it where she had no way of communicating with her friends, boyfriend, family, etc. other than using a pay phone or home phone sure taught her. It was either SD get her own plan by finding a job and working or commit to house rules.
I hope things look up for you. I block my stepchildren from being able to call me on the cell phone any time they start showing out. I don't need the frustration of being asked for money, favors, rides, you name it. I married their Dad, not them.
**** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.
Thanks for the ssupport.
Thanks for the ssupport. Yes, my DH and I were both widowed too. However, I think maybe he has not grieved completely for his first wife. I personally think he is so overwhelmed with guilt that he tried to make it up to SD. I think maybe MIL does the same thing. Now DH's sister has gotten into the act. My sister in law called DH last night and told him he needs to give SD some money to take care of her bills because MIL is SO WORRIED about SD. If MIL and sister in law are so worried about SD, why don't they give her the money? You are right, they haven't seen her show her tail like she has to me. She's done a little bit of it, actually making my sister in law cry once, but not the full blown melt down. I've been in counseling for about 4 years to learn how to cope. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Its hard because I want to tell MIL and sister in law to butt out so bad. Not quite sure how this situation is going to play out though
I feel like your situation
I feel like your situation is in my future, I feel for you. I wish we could shake our partners sometimes and scream... WAKE UP!!!!!