Time to meet some new mutual friends to socialize with. Not cutting the older friends out completely but having a true sense of not needing to see the same old people all the time. Expand your social calendar. Plan different types of get-togethers occasionally.

For example: I know nothing about your DH of his friends along with their likes and dislikes, but for instance if they like to rattle sports. Perhaps something like a Super Bowl party for the guys (with an occasional game watching event sprinkled through the different seasons. It lets the guys do their guy thing and frees you up to spend the day with an enjoyable friend of your choosing to do what you like to do Who cares what the wives of DH's friends are doing that day/evening as they aren't invited to the 'guy only' events.

Try having each of you select a person and that's person's choice of date (or wife or whatever) out for dinner from either work, church, the gym, somewhere where you have causal that place only relationships but might be able to branch it out to being occasional dinners out. People who don't know the ex wife, don't care if you have skids, and never knew either one of you back in the old days. As you both meet and enjoy new groups of people, the less need to want to hang with the old friends on a routine basis. The more variety of couple get together you and DH participate in the more times you'll both be comfortable just saying 'no not tonight we're staying in and having quiet night' will sound really good to the both of you because both of your socializing desires/needs will have been fulfilled ...it just won't be with the same old busybody shit stirrers. But you'll have accomplished it without DH ever having realized the two of you kind of out grow and moved on from the old circle.

I am experiencing the same issues with DHs friends and family. BM has poisoned her circle against me and then enjoys great relationship with everyone ion our side bc we've taken the higher road. We don't complain about her, we don't even mention her name. Similar to your situation mutual friends - at least those who haven't shunned DH altogether bc of her playing the victim, hang out with us and like you try to pull out info. So here's how im dealing with this crap - I'm reclaiming my life and DH and I are creating new friends. I am making a big effort to call the wives, make dinner plans, and play dates with the kids. I'm filling up our social calendar so there's no opportunity for these slime buckets to weasel their way into our lives. BM has been told to back off, she never made effort with DHs family while they were married it now all of a sudden she's calling, texting, etc. And since the kids are with us more than 50% and I'm very involved with DHs family there is no need for her to keep relations with his side of the family. If she continues I will start calling her parents and aunts and uncles every week so the kids can say 'hi' - start getting them to FaceTime and iMessage them when they are with me. I'm not a punching bag and I've earned my place in this life I have with DH.

It is definitely time to expand the circle of friends that you and DH frequent. Not give up the old ones but add some mutual friends from your more current lives rather than limiting your social circles to just the same old friends.

In our case my life long friends are very classy people and are extremely accepting of my wife and very engaging with her. Even the ones that became my friends during my first marriage. My bride's life long friends are very accepting of me also. Interestingly at her 20th HS reunion the summer of 13 I met most of her graduating class. Her close friends were as usual very engaging but so were the rest of her classmates. I am 12ish years older than they are and the night of the reunion dance they awarded me the most awesome spouse award. I just spoke with them, showed interest in their lives and their interests, and overall had a great time.

At my 30th my bride was also well received by my classmates and also my the older and younger alumni of my boarding school.

I think what helps is that my friends, even the ones from the first marriage years, do not have a close relationship with my XW and my bride's friends do not have a close relationship with the Sperm Idiot (DW's boyfriend from those years and baby daddy).

We also have a very nice group of friends from our adult life together. We have lived in 7 cities since we married 20+ years ago and we have close friends from each. We have always made it a point to engage with people that we like and that make a strong first impression on us when we are in a new place. We travel to visit, people travel to visit us, we travel together occasionally, whatever works for our schedule, their schedules, and the relationship.

Another element that helps is that we both support the other in having careers and friendships that are our individual accomplishments and friendships. Often those evolve into couples friendships since over time those individual friendships usually expand into dinner parties, etc... and the other spouses end up meeting and engaging socially.

Look for some social events in your area. Dinner and theater groups (e.g. Wine Down Wednesdays), Women's professional Groups, Adult church groups, age group cruises, walking clubs, etc.......

When it comes to the ones that are digging for dirt ... }:) Time to have some fun with them. Rather than avoid them engage with them. Feed them little interesting nuggets that will set their and the X's hair on fire. Share the facts in a way that makes it fun and interesting for you. If you knew DH before or after the divorce then share that. Not in detail but something like "We started dating in XXXX". Tell the ladies that you were an art model in college and that several pieces that feature you are in the MOMA in NYC, tell stories about how in HS your BF was (Pick a major star, singer, etc...), get them all wound up about you and your life, and make sure to whisper to them that DH does not know.

Of course share with DH what you are going to do and share the laughs with him on the drive home from dinner. Since you have to travel to these social events rather than drive there and then back immediately after the event check in to a nice resort hotel, make reservations at nice restaurants, etc... and make it not just about the social gathering. Sharing the cool things you and DH are doing together in addition to the social event will change the tone of the interface in a hurry from judgmental and toxic on their side to either interest or shame that they don't do those things together with their spouse.

There is a lot you can do to expand your social circles and have fun playing the toxic idiots that always seem to hang around.

}:)

I was friends with SO and BM as a married couple. BM did something (not related to her marriage with SO) that pissed me off, so I wasn't friends with her anymore when she and SO split, but of course I was still friends with SO, and then he and I eventually got together. That is to say, we had a lot of mutual friends. After SO and I got together, those friends stayed friends with us and with BM, and while a few had no interest in shenanigans and we are still friends with them now (I suspect BM is, too, but they don't say much about her to us, and I suspect don't say much about us to her), some of them loved to try to pull gossip out of us, and they loved to share what BM was up to, to see if it would get a reaction out of us.

Some of them I cut off. Some of them I stayed in contact with, but made it clear that we didn't care what BM was doing--and wouldn't you know it, when I showed them I wasn't interested in that kind of gossip, they just fell away. It's worked out that way without SO having to say much to them directly, but he is 100% supportive--more in favor of it than I was, even--of ending associations with people who do crap like that. Not only does he REALLY not care what BM is up to and REALLY not want our friends "spying" for BM, but he also doesn't want to associate with people who make ME feel like crap. That shows me how much he respects me, cares for me, and prioritizes me. That's super important in relationships involving kids, ex-wives, loyalty conflicts, continued contact with an ex, and so on. Hopefully you can get your DH to see that.

So next time fake friend asks when you and DH met, be direct:

"Sarah, you have asked me that the last two times I have seen you. I have told you that DH and I met in XXXX, at the Blahblahblah. Why do you keep asking? Are you forgetful, or are you implying something by your repeated questioning?" Then smile sweetly.

BOOM. Disarmed.

I have the same problem. We live in the small town where my husband grew up and BM has spread horrible lies about me to everyone who will listen. I don't even try to impress these people. Just biding my time until we can move to MY hometown where BM would get beat up for spreading such slander.

You do not have to have a relationship with these people. DH eventually cut his old friends out. He heard some of them at a party trying to understand the timeline. We never went to another neighborhood function after that. I have defriended any friends that are BM's friends on FB. You can not be friends with her friends and have an boundaries.

The best way I've found to deal with catty people is to be blunt. You already know better then to trust these people. I would tell them you know they are friends with BM and to stay out of your personal life & you don't appreciate them attempting to get dirt to tell BM. If they cant respect your wishes then don't hang with them anymore. Cut that toxicity out.

I actually lucked out in this area, because none of DH's friends liked her. They have all told me that they tried to talk him out of it, but she was knocked up with SS, so there that is.

DH didn't keep any of the friends that knew BM, but I deal with this in a different way. Whenever we would meet new couples, they always asked DH about his ex and his daughter. It felt as if since I hadn't been married before, my past didn't count. I got so sick of hearing DH discuss why he divorced, and nothing about us or our life together.

DH's best friend knew his ex-bf (after BM, before me) but never once said a word about her. It's almost hard to remember that they knew each other then. I got lucky.

I too found myself in this situation until I said no more!I explained that 2 of the wives in particular make me feel really uncomfortable as I feel like I am under a microscope when we go out with them & I feel I have to really watch what I say as everything gets repeated back to BM. BM even invited these 2 wives to her wedding and they attended.One of these 2 wives is actually the wife of DH's cousin. The cousin that DH always said was like a brother to him, they spend every summer together as kids growing up & then when BM was exposed for the cheating whore she is cousin's wife chose to maintain her friendship with her. I have point blank refused to attend any get togethers hosted by the 2 wives in question and feel so much better for it. DH meets up once in a while with his friends for a boys lunch which is fine with me.In the group there is one couple who is lovely and I do make an effort to arrange that we go out with them but the rest?No thank-you , good riddance to bad rubbish!

I dont have this myself as like others, my fiances friends didnt like BM (fortunately they were never married so I am saved that complication)

However for my parents, they had two couples that were very good friends.
Of both couples the husbands were my fathers best friends and the wives were my mothers best friends. Now when my father and step mother started going to functions with either of these couples my step mother would feel the same. The women would either bait her or try to be over friendly and she would eventually hear back some snippet of information that had been fed to BM some weeks later.
One of the couples then split so my father was relieved, however that husband of that relationship would talk to my father and step mother about my BM and step father, going so far as sharing photos and details which my father didnt want to hear and my BM certainly didnt want shared. So in the end my father cut all contact with that man, who had been his friends for decades.

The other couple, still occassionally see both my BM and my father however it is not very often and my step mother finds it much easier to deal with to invite them as part of a group for a party/event than on a one to one basis. My step mother called her out a few times about it, telling her in no uncertain terms did she want to hear about my BM and that she didnt want herself being discussed to BM. They have been through several periods of time that they have no contact but eventually the men get back in touch.

Best idea is grow your friendship circle with new friends for you both.