Fight with Husband
last night I had a fight with my DH over a topic that I felt strongly about. 21 year old SD wants her father and bio mom to start therapy so they can communicate better. The divorced happenned 19 years ago!!! He is considering to do it to appease his daughter. Am I wrong to think that this is insane?!?!? She spends half her time with bio mom and the other half with us. We cover 95% of her expenses and he still pays child support to bio mom. I'm beyond frustrated that he wants to go to therapy with his ex wife. And he doesn't knwo the word NO when it comes to his daughter. He cleans her room, makes her bed every morning, makes her lunch. Oh and we have to be home every night when she is with us but it's ok for her to plan outings with her friends. She used the guilt trip on him as well that he wasn't there for most of her childhood ( bio mom had custody) and she never experienced having a father,She moved in with us half the time when she was 16. I was married last year after spending 6 years together in a long distance relationship and still didn't have honeymoom. Sorry for the venting ! I'm at the end of my rope, I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel and just keep my mouth shut and live my own life. I guess I'm a frustrated bitch lol
Oh hell, all of that is just
Oh hell, all of that is just wrong.
The girl is 21 for God's sake!
That's ridiculous, I would be
That's ridiculous, I would be absolutely pissed. My skids are 9, 11, and 12 and I'd still be pissed if my DH was going to go to therapy with his ex. The fact that your SD is an adult just makes it more asinine.
Not to mention that with SD
Not to mention that with SD being 21 what on earth is there to communicate about!
This is a whole new level of
This is a whole new level of insanity !
Thanks for the support and
Thanks for the support and making me realize that I am not crazy! This stepmother thing is one of the hardest thing for me. I don't have any children of my own and this whole thing makes me not want any...
UH, not no but hell no,
UH, not no but hell no, absolutely not, there is NO way. She is certainly pushing her weight around and like everyone else pointed out---- SHE IS 21. WTH??? What do the parents have to communicate about anymore??
This got my blood pressure up just thinking about your situation. I would give him some free communication that he didn’t even need to leave home for, I would just straight up tell his ass: Go to counseling your ex-wife and you will need to stop on your way home to speak to divorce attorney because you will need one. }:)
I am really close to telling
I am really close to telling him that, I have one foot thats out the door already. Also realizing that I will never be be his priority
The ONLY way I would ever
The ONLY way I would ever agree to this if if DH agreed to go to one counseling session and say this:
"I came to make this clear to all parties. I divorced EX almost 20 YEARS AGO. My daughter is now a lovely young woman starting her own life as an adult. Her mother and I have no reason to work on our communication. I have no reason or desire to communicate with EX, beyond being distantly civil. See you all at college graduation, and weddings."
And then leave.
Huh... 21 years old? That is
Huh... 21 years old? That is a complete load of crap. Why would they NEED to communicate? Their "child" is a grown adult. At age 21 I had been on my own for 4 years and was married for a year. I can't believe kids these days. WTF.
Money isn't an issue for her
Money isn't an issue for her to move out, DH would pay for everything, she's not self sufficient, doesn't know how to do anything. Her father still needs to tell her to wash her hands before dinner and to take showers. Thant's not even half of it, the therapy with ex was the drop that over filled the glass.
Your DH is a ball-less wonder
Your DH is a ball-less wonder isn't he. (Not a question) His balls are still in his XW's purse and his daughter has the remote control for those balls.
He needs to man up, show his commitment to you, and write these two toxic products of his past off and keep even his daughter in his rear view mirror until she pulls her head out of her ass.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
My SD is 21 and DH hasn't
My SD is 21 and DH hasn't spoken with BM in YEARS. Like even BEFORE she aged out! We had a No Contact order because of her harassment.
Spend the therapy money where it is needed: SD.
Counseling with the Ex... Nah
Counseling with the Ex... Nah that's definitely a deal breaker. I'd tell him he better make arrangements to stay with BM if he goes.
Seriously. If DH is so
Seriously. If DH is so loaded, he needs to get that girl a life coach. Or something.
If she is 21, why is he still
If she is 21, why is he still paying child support to her mother? Especially when she lives with you half the time? That seems crazy...
He doesn't want to upset BM
He doesn't want to upset BM and have her take it out on his dear daughter.
Are you freaking kidding me.
Are you freaking kidding me. That is the most insane thing I've ever heard and there was already a lot of insane in your original post.
OP, dear, I don't see much hope for this whole thing. I don't say that lightly. This man is probably loving, kind, generous. You love that. But to misquote our boy Will S., there's so much milk of human kindness in his veins that his brain curdled.
The sd is extreme failure to launch. What 21 year old woman needs daddy to harass her to take a shower? He has severely infantilized this girl. And he intends to throw not only himself but you on the altar designed to worship her neediness.
It's very likely this man, for all his good qualities, is way too dysfunctional for you to tolerate. If BM is going to "take it out" on SD, SD needs to set her own limits with mom. It's. That. Simple.
Yet your dh has created this convoluted hobbling machine that keeps everybody -- BM and SD -- dependent on him. Bathes him in juicy martyr syrup at the same time as shining his hero's suit of armor into a high gloss. How delicious for him.
It is very unlikely you can fix this. Very sorry to give you that news and I know it hurts.
Already too late
Already too late
Let the BM go to counseling
Let the BM go to counseling to work out how to communicate better. Heck, the daughter is 21, she is an adult, just how much more communicating does the daughter think they are going to do? They have been divorced 19 years and that is quite a length of time.
And, am I right that you and DH have to be home for her when she is staying with you? WHAT! Geez Louise, you are entitled to a life as well.
I have some questions. This 21 year old is still bouncing between your place and the BM's place....why? Is she in college? Also, since she is 21, why is your DH still paying the BM child support and was it adjusted to reflect that the SD came and lived with you 1/2 time?
This girl has WAY too much control going on. I can understand your frustration and it is going to be tough to have that talk with your husband about stopping the nonsense.
Perhaps a good way to start is to talk about that delayed honeymoon.
Unless SD is going to
Unless SD is going to college, there should be no need to house her or support her in any way. When you wrote about the proposed counseling with DH, SD and his ex, it sounded like a sick, sick version of "The Parent Trap" movie. I agree with 'Stepped in what': Inform DH to get a reality check and act like a husband or visit a divorce attorney on the way home from the therapy session. This is just plain nuts.
Welcome to my life! I have
Welcome to my life! I have been holding it in for a very long time!
When SD wanted me in therapy
When SD wanted me in therapy and DH backed it, I said "yes, I'll go - with YOU, so a family therapist can tell us what's healthy about THAT". Mazel tov soover
The step kid is focused on
The step kid is focused on the wrong thing...The past cannot be made up for, cannot be fixed, cannot be re done..Manipulating her father is not the answer...She now needs to move forward with her life and deal with the baggage she inherited from the experience of the past...groping for ways to keep it alive and bring it into the present is not the answer...It only contaminates the present...
She needs to accept what her life was with her parents and what it was not and how it effected the way she does life for herself now that she is an adult...DH needs to realize he is a divorced and remarried man that has a new priority by his choosing to take care of...(that would be you)...not putting energy into the ex...that is over
The adult skid's expectations are not realistic...Therefore setting herself up for more false disappointment...Manufacturing sadness to emotionally manipulate your dh to doing what she wants...not cool...He needs to get a pair and be the dad and the leader of his home...your home...He sets the tone...If he continues to allow the 21 year old to call the shots..he has forfeited his position of authority over to her..setting a precedence that undermines his God-given authority and placement in that family structure...breeding even more insecurity in his daughter/ and the disrespect will escalate toward him and you.... because of the lack of boundaries he has cultivated based on emotional exploitation from his daughter.. She was not put in the position of the parent...she is the child that is her role...he needs to correct her and clarify her error....(even if mom put her up to it) and even if she didn't...it was not her place to make that decision for either parent...
He needs to "be the man"...otherwise this 21 year old is going to make your life miserable...you and him need to be on the same page...You and him should go to counseling to get into agreement and present a strong union to the rest of them..If you don't stand up for yourself and stand in the seat of authority you have been given (his equal)...who will? It is time to respect yourself and fight for your marriage....You are not powerless...Oh..they won't like it ...but it isn't based on what they like... It wouldn't surprise me if the ex didn't have some underhandedness in all this and she needs to be cut off at the knees from coming between a man and his wife (using her own daughter to do it)...you are his wife now...not her..make it clear...Absolutely not...if the ex wants to learn how to communicate better..She should go to college and take a communications class...the venue of your marriage is not for her or your sd to exploit for their overstepping agenda....
Actually I'm realizing the
Actually I'm realizing the real problem is my husband for not having balls or standing up for me. I'm truly tired of all this fighting we live and work together and it's been the silent treament since the fight. I give up! I don't have the energy anymore. It's sad that I've come to this realization after 1 year of marriage! how unfortunate!
Other than lazyness and being
Other than lazyness and being overly spoiled? Nothing is wrong with her. She depends on her father for everything and fears her BM go figure! She's reliving the past childhood she never had with her dad at 21.
Oh good grief! This is just
Oh good grief! This is just ridiculous. She is an adult and then some. If she wants therapy, fine, but to drag everyone in??? Perhaps there could be one session where the parents participate, but all sessions???? Therapy, in these cases, usually makes things worse. She already sounds like she works the guilt angle to death.
The whole notion of treating kids like guests baffles me. Why can't we just treat them like normal darn people. My husband does this too, although not to the crazy extend of staying in nights she does not go out, but we always have to go where his kids want to eat, see the film they want to see, etc. In other words, he gives them this warped version of reality. No wonder so many of them don't do well in the world. It is not the divorce that screws them up, but the crazed behavior of their parents afterwards that causes the damage, I believe.
I am sorry for this craziness. I hope the therapist, if this happens, is a good one who sees and calls everyone on this crazy behavior. Hopefully, the therapist will give all a good dose or reality. The girl needs to be encouraged to be an adult all of the time and not only just when it is convenient, i.e. fun!
How do you deal with it on
How do you deal with it on your end? Im at loss
I have found that the more I
I have found that the more I dig my heels in and protest, the more he thinks he has to do something. I only just recently started backing off and saying "fine if you think that is best." He then usually wants to know what I think, and then I tell him in as passive a way as possible what I think. Often this causes him to re consider the situation. I think the more we protest the more they think we are against the idea just because it is not our child.
I would probably try to hold my tongue in your situation which is difficult and ask him what he thinks these sessions will accomplish, what does his daughter thinks these sessions will accomplish, and does he feel that her expectations are realistic. Often when you ask the questions they start to see through their own answers some of the foolishness.
That's the thing they often need to come to the truth through their own words and thoughts.
I used to try to tell my husband the truth by making all of these statements and defending my feelings, and it never worked. He became suspicious of my motives even though I was trying to do what I thought was best for all.
When I learned to step back and ask questions, and he had no logical answer for the answer soured foolish, and we know how men hate sounding foolish, he figured out "by himself" that stuff was crazy.
Long story short the more you protest the more he will insist on doing. It is ridiculous I know, and the adult child sounds like a big spoiled pain, but as long as dad hangs onto guilt she will work it to her advantage.
These nights you stay in because she's home perhaps make family night. Say "sweetie you know this is so great that we have all of this time together let's do this and that." Give her a nice taste of family night. If she protests you can say but sweetie I though you wanted to make up for all of the time that you missed??? Smother her with so much attention that she chooses to go elsewhere.Being a bit cheeky here, I know.
Adult step kids can be the worst. You would think it would not be the case, but I have found it to be. They just never want tot grow up.
It has taken a lot of time
It has taken a lot of time but this has been what I have learned as well. Funny how my dh can come to the same conclusion I have if I say little and let him arrive where common sense should be in the first place. When I go into protest about something dh goes into "auto pilot skid defense mode". I have to either decide to declare full blown war or be somewhat passive. Your issue would most likely put me into full blown war.
It is just wrong that your dh has given sd so much power. Its like giving a three year old ownership, control and power over your car and not expecting it to wreck.
The way I see it you have three choices or some combination.
1) Set back and hope he gets tired of the bs.
2) Determine this is a hill to die on and flat out tell your dh you will not stay married to a man that allows his daughter to own him.
3)Find your own counselor that specializes in step family issues.
Wish you the very best. It is such a hard place to be and the thing that really sucks is your dh should have never put you there in the first place.
TY for the advice
TY for the advice
You are right and I'm
You are right and I'm grateful for your insight! Lesson for me to learn how to handle things differently
I agree with many of jam's
I agree with many of jam's points and I would like to add that you placed yourself in this situation, dh did not put you there. DH is just doing what he's always done, being guilted and giving in. The faster you own that you made the decision to be in this extremely dysfunctional triangle the quicker you'll see that you can change YOUR situation. You can't change this man or his overgrown baby girl or their dysfunctional dynamic.
I stand corrected still
I stand corrected still learning. You are right. op's dh did not put her there. dh is being guilted.
He was always there for her,
He was always there for her, her mom had custody they fought over it over many years before my time. Yes it's unfair for his daughter to throw that in his face. BM is so insecure that she is bad mouthing him and I to SD.
Wow! I'm drinking my coffee
Wow! I'm drinking my coffee reading this insanity and just shaking my head. BM and DH counseling over spoiled 21 yr old. BWHAHAHAHA! If this were my DH I'd be wishing him a nice life on my way out the door. Be thankful that this has only been a year of your life, for some of the posters it's been 20+. It took me 2 years to put my foot down with ss30 who DH supported, waited on and let him suckle from his teat for years. I kept thinking 'this time it will really change.' But I got tired endless fighting over ss30 then I got counseling. I made the decision that it would change or I would leave. DH chose being married over ss30 torpedoing our relationship. It has changed but with ss30 it's still a constant boundary issue. Boundaries, disengage, this is my mantra anytime I have to deal with ss30.
I am the one who got counseling, I am the one who changed, I'm the one who decided no more. You do have a choice here, do you want to participate in and continue to enable this unhealthy dynamic or is sd21 going to continue to call the shots and dictate your life and happiness?
"When you complain you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it, all else is madness."
- Eckhart Tolle
Sad part in this that I
Sad part in this that I believe he would choose her over me. So why the hell am I staying for? Even my own family tells me to leave him. I guess it's easier said than done
Actually it's easier done
Actually it's easier done than said. Pack your bags and go, you don't have to "say" anything. The reality is that he has already chosen her over you and that's why you are cowering to a 21 yr old instead of being a full partner in your marriage.
Do you have children of your
Do you have children of your own? I don't and he always tells me that I would be different towards her her if she was my own! Damn right be cause no Chili of mine Would be this way !
"--- he always tells me that
"--- he always tells me that I would be different towards her her if she was my own!" What do you think his rationale is for saying this to you? Is he suggesting that you are missing something because you didn't give birth to her?
When I was first having problems with SD my DH said I was over-reacting because of the heartbreak of trying to raise two older adopted children with reactive detachment disorder, and the fact that I never gave birth to a child. I guess he thought this would somehow negate SD's rude behavior toward me. When I would attempt to discuss it with him he would say, "Well, I never saw it!" So in his eyes, it just didn't exist - even when other people, including his family, were witness to it.
Many times people say the problem is DH, and that is true to a certain degree. When the light finally went on in my head I found that the real problem was me because I was putting up with the B.S. and not defending myself - not believing that I was as worthy of respect as SD was.
Yes you do have a child of
Yes you do have a child of your own, DH, whose testicles haven't descended yet.
Who does she think she is
Who does she think she is trying to tell her PARENTS what to do?!? Hell to the no. No. No. No.