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He Always Chooses for HIS stepdaughter

divalynwife3's picture

So, my husband and I met 5 years ago. We had both been married the first time for 20+ years. Both of our first marriages ended in divorce. We both were remarried and both of our spouses were diagnosed with pancretic cancer. My late husband survived just 10 months. His late wife survived 20 months. I had been married the 2nd time 10 years and had two step children, who I remain close to, but they live 500 miles from me. He was married the 2nd time for just 2 years and had a stepson and a step daughter and they live within an hour from us. The other bit of history is that he has a son from his first marriage from whom he is estranged.

For five years I have reached out to his stepdaughter. I have sent birthday cards, given a gift basket when she moved into her new home. She was single for the first three years we were together and going to nursing school so almost every other weekend we had babysitting duty for her son. She met a man two years ago and they were married. We hardly get called for babysitting duty anymore. She never calls on my H birthday or Fathers Day but lists him as her Father on Facebook. She never calls just to chat or to invite us for a barbeque or to just come down and visit. It's always when she needs something or she is experiencing her crisis dujour.

I got sick right after the holidays (pneuomonia) and had been out of work for 3 weeks. I went back to work but was just exhausted. She called and said her husband was having back surgery and could we take all three boys (when she married she got another boy and then had a baby right away, plus her other son) I told my H that it just wasn't a good weekend. I was still not feeling well. I asked why at age 37 she couldn't figure out how to arrange her work schedule so she could be home for the weekend (she is a nurse) My H just kept saying "how can we make it work for her?" For her? WTF? What about me. This is only one example of about a dozen when my preferences are always superseded by hers.

She has treated me rudely and almost with no respect. She was sullen at our wedding. When she does come to our house she never talks to me. When they have come for holiday dinners she hasn't as much as picked up a dish. This isn't a 13 year old little girl, this is a grown 30+ year old woman.

I finally told my H it's not that I don't want him to have a relationship with her, but it simply cannot include me. I have given and extended myself to her only to be rebuffed at every turn.

Am I crazy?

hereiam's picture

You are absolutely not crazy. This woman is not his daughter, he didn't even raise her. She was a grown adult when he married her mother, no? Why is your DH so concerned about making it work for HER? I think it's kind of odd.

This would not go over well with me at all.

furkidsforme's picture

Why is he so invested in this ex-step daughter? How old was she when he married her Mom? Did he raise her 10 years?

Even so... I've been around 13 years and if DH and I divorced, I would imagine I would not continue to have contact with any of the SKids and the decision would be equally mutual. I might send MSD a card asking how she is each holiday, but I wouldn't be her damn babysitting service.

Modernworld1011's picture

Wow, I have seem grown men behave towards their bio kids this way, but a step-child? I get the love he feels for her if they were lucky and had a good step relationship, but you should come first.

I can't fault the step daughter because it is her step father who should not be tolerating here treating you poorly. Her behavior is rude, but he is in the wrong for tolerating and subjecting you to her nonsense.

I am sorry, and I hope things improve!

divalynwife3's picture

Thanks, everyone. If anything at least I know I'm not the "only one". The thing is that in every other area of our marriage we are great. I finally told him it's not that I don't want him to have a relationship with her but when THAT relationship supersedes ours we have a problem. I told him if we didn't get professional help fir this I didn't think we were going to make it. And until then I told him not to even consider me going to her house. The issue is her passive aggressive disrespect fir me and our marriage and his complete and total failure to even acknowledge it.

I'm thinking that the oddly strong relationship is related to his failure to do complete grief work when his wife died.

Anyway we are scheduled to see a counselor next week.

still learning's picture

"For five years I have reached out to his stepdaughter. I have sent birthday cards, given a gift basket when she moved into her new home.... every other weekend we had babysitting duty for her son."

You did more for DH's SD than he did. Of course she didn't appreciate it because she wanted these things to come from the man she considers to be her father, not you. You're wise to step back. If DH wants to babysit and you are not feeling well then HE can go watch the kids @ HER house. Let DH bend over backwards and do whatever he wants for his SD while you stay home and rest up.

AllySkoo's picture

"Of course she didn't appreciate it because she wanted these things to come from the man she considers to be her father, not you. "

If I'm reading the original post right, her DH was only married to the second wife (his SD's mom) for 2 years - and for 20 months of that, she was sick. I doubt the SD considers him to be a "father" in that case. I DO think she's got some unresolved issues about the death of her mom, and how the original poster is "taking her mom's place" so to speak.

OP, I'd bring it up to the counselor, but I'd bet your DH isn't doing the SD any favors by letting her continue to use you as an outlet for her anger at her mom's death. The SD needs grief counseling, and your DH should suggest it to her.

still learning's picture

OP does say that SD lists DH as her Father on Facebook. He's been there for her and "fathering" her for 7+ years so I'm reading into it that she does consider him to be her father and he has taken up the fathering role. My point was not to do more for his (step)children than he does because it won't be appreciated.

I'm sure SD does have unresolved issues surrounding her mother's death and the apparent absence of her bio father in her life. There's a lot going on there and as another poster suggested, OP needs to step away from the drama triangle. DH can deal with her all he wants without OP.

Rags's picture

"Being a bitch to me on your part does not make your emergency my problem. Sorry, no deal. Good luck."