XBox Addict Update
I posted this as a comment on my original topic, Ready to Pack my.... and received one comment so I have decided to create a new subject in hopes that more people will read. Disney Dads and utterly irresponsible parenting are a direct result of what we, as step parents are forced to deal with. When I reached out on this forum, most of the replies I rec'd fortified my belief should I remain in this situation, I would lose my frigging sanity. I continued to 'hang in there' for one reason; I clung to the thought that should I leave, I would become yet another person who has given up on the boy and then he would have NO ONE willing and/or able to fight FOR him.
UPDATE: 5 weeks later. After many countless heated discussions, sleepness nights, XBox battles, and therapy sessions, I am hopeful. Dad reached his 'limit' and the XBox was taken away, with, at the moment, NO expectations of a return. I discovered the following: As the marriage of his parents was crumbling, he retreated into his XBox. The worse the marriage and pending separation/divorce became, the more he retreated. The process took 3 years. 3 years of using the XBox to de-stress, 3 years of avoidance. Once the divorce was final, the ex-wife unleashed her wrath on SS. She IS mentally ill, suffers from narcissism and BPD(borderline personality disorder)-undiagnosed because, afterall there is NOTHING wrong with her, it's everyone else who is screwed up! It all came to light when SS was having a major meltdown(yet again) over his XBox. I overheard a conversation between he and his mother to which she replied,"I know he's an asshole, that's why I divorced him." Subsequent communication between SS and mother: pleading with her to come get him, saying he was going to call the police cuz he needed someone to talk to, he was gonna go nuts, he didn't want to live anymore. Her response was to inundate his Dad with phone calls and texts berating him and making it clear that he needed to deal with it because she could not deal with anymore stress. NO mention of the self-harm comments were relayed during these tirades. Dad reached a point where he told SS to pack his shit and he would take him back to his mother's. SS insisted on Dad giving him XBox and Dad stuck with,"Pack your shit and when I drop you off, you can have your XBox". SS DID NOT start packing... Lightbulb moment for me!!!!!! The next day when shit got deep again, SS mentioned hurting himself and Dad contacted one of his therapists which culminated in SS voluntarily being admitted for observation and evaluation. SS has a tough road ahead of him with regards to his addiction and re-learning coping tools and communication skills BUT he has me and his dad to weather the storm WITH him. In the aftermath of the hospitalization here is what the mother had to say:
How could you do this to ME?
I can't believe you took him from ME
I can't believe you let them take him......
She sent many, many, many really bizarre texts- mean, nasty, delusional-which is SOOOOO damn dumb of her! She showed up in our driveway, twice, uninvited and although I am the legal caretaker in his father's absence, she announced her visit was none of my business, yet, she screamed and screamed for the entire neighborhood to hear. The ball is rolling and her exposure to further hurt her son will soon come to an end. Until SHE hits 'rock bottom', she will continue to live in her fantasy world where everyone else is responsible for her problems. I am thankful I had the gonads and the ability to stand up and FIGHT for SS when the other 2 adults in his life couldn't and wouldn't. I am NOT delusional! I KNOW there will be more dark days ahead of us, more tears, and more drama BUT the 3 of us WILL persevere and together we will get through this. We are currently in family therapy once a week, SS has individual once a week, and we consult an addictions counselor at least once a week.
I can't say the rest of you will have a positive outcome however, in stepping back and delving into the reasons behind the amount of time spent on the XBox, and the underlying issues, we are able to begin putting the pieces back together.
At least you know the reason
At least you know the reason for the addiction and can work with it. For us, he is not addicted, per se, since he can put it away. But, SS16 enjoys his games, for him it is the programming end of it. But, if he finds a good book he will read that for days. He is introverted. We can pin point that to BM and SD18. He was never able to talk to them. Once we had him full time and he was away from my SD and BM, he started talking and is doing great.
As long as you have a plan and BM can not influence it, it will work. The problem is when she won't back your play. For us that meant full custody and he seeing him when he wanted. Three years later and he is doing great and still uses his Xbox and Laptop exclusively, but is getting a 3.2 GPA and we are starting to consider colleges. This never could have happened if we didn't have him full time to give him the attention he needed.
Jsmom, Yes, he is with us
Jsmom,
Yes, he is with us full time now and currently refuses and accepts her invitations, more refusing than accepting. I could go on and on and on about her obvious mental issues however, prior to the hospitalization she asked if she could accompany SS to his counseling appt. Dad said he would ask therapist at our next appt. BM has not asked since. His grades were complete F's when he came to live with us. Today they are 2 A's, 3 B's and 1 C. Extremely proud of his accomplishments!
The addiction is classic however, if given time to learn new coping skills, finding new hobbies, and generally having a 'life' other than his game, he may, one day, be able to play the games he loves. Gaming addiction is still so new and not yet listed in the DSM. It's unknown, at this time, whether, after learning new coping skills, he can safely return to playing. And right now, the 3 of us are just so relieved to not be living in a tornado
You may want to look into
You may want to look into other activities for him. For SS it is Karate, minimum two nights a week with the goal of Black Belt this fall. Also, his friends seem to be involved in some card game that they go to a card shop to play together every Saturday. These are all introverted kids, that are geeks. They seem to have found each other. My BS19 thinks the game is weird, but my SS loves it.
He also belongs to Engineering Club at school and enjoys that. He barely spoke and now after having so much attention, he is thriving. These may not be activities that appeal to the masses, but they are working with him.
He still hibernates in his room, but he does appear to be things beyond the Xbox. You are making me want to take him to the Book Store this weekend. Every time we do, it is a small fortune. He also seems to love some of these weird trivia apps on his phone and is constantly telling us weird facts.
It is great that his grades are going up. What helped us with that was talking to him about goals and correlating it together. Those conversations helped. Also, mandatory of one hour of TV time with us every night after dinner. We watch shows like Gotham, Flash and Goldbergs with him. Shows he can relate to.
It truly is sad that someone
It truly is sad that someone else's imagination can take life away from anyone. My Skid struggled with his video game habit for a few years until we just cut him off cold turkey when he was about 12. Done, he was not allowed to play video games in our home ... period. The skid was happy. Then the Sperm Clan started enabling him. Sending a DS home with him from Christmas though we had told them no game systems of any kind would be allowed in our home. There was much ranting and gnashing of teeth by the Skid when we found the packaging for the DS under the Skid's bed a few days after he returned from Sperm Land visitation. We were not kidding, we handed the Skid a hammer and made him destroy the DS and then we notified the Sperm Clan that any electronic game gifts must stay in Sperm Land or that too would be destroyed.
A couple of years later we sent SS to military boarding school and after his first semester as an honor student we followed the advice of his teachers and advisor and got him a lap top for school work. About halfway through the second semester the Sperm Idiot hacked the school fire wall and he and the Skid began their late night WoW gasms that ultimately led to SS flunking the first semester of his Sr. year and being withdrawn from boarding school and brought home to finish at our local HS. We moved to that town a few weeks after SS started boarding school so he knew no one. He was devastated when we yanked him out of military school. He loved it. The Sperm Clan was ranting about how unfair it was. We told them that the Sperm Idiot had caused the Skid to fail, there was no way that he could graduate from the military school on time and if they wanted him to graduate from the military school they could pay for another two full semesters of tuition and travel costs. They of course ran for the hills when given that option. They can't afford a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of much less $20K+/yr in tuition and expenses.
We kept our collective foot up SS's ass and he graduated on time and with honors from our local HS and less than a year later started his USAF career. He has kept his head in the game as far as his career is concerned but is back to spending every free minute he has in the environment of someone else's imagination. He has been plodding along on his BS studies and when we last spoke we pointed out to him that if he had spent the time he buried in some fucking computer game on his degree he would be graduating in May. That shut him up immediately and he now is being rather hard on himself about not being at least farther along on his BS degree.
Stick to your guns. You are doing the right thing. One thing I would have done differently would have been getting some help for the Skid in addition to cutting him off from his electronic crack. Our kid is doing fine but we are a bit disappointed in his maturity and educational progress.
Good luck.
I can emphathise. We don't
I can emphathise. We don't have the gaming addiction but everything else sounds like our situation. Be strong!