Why dO I dislike my SS?!!!!
So BM passed away when SS was around 18 months old. I have been in his life for 5 years and SS is now 9 1/2. I cannot for the life of me stand him. He is such a sweet kid, he is super nice, well behaved. However, I find him annoying and I just can't seem to except the fact that he is mine. I care for him, make sure he is fed, school work done, clothing ect.... He is behind in some developmental ways I would say. I think it is because everyone around him felt so bad for him they did everything for him... I had to make grandparents from BM and my husbands side back away from him and let him think for himself. Some family members still treat him special even when my two girls are in the room. This in itself has caused a ton of issues, but that is not why I am posting. I do want to bond with him, have a happy relationship. Just everything about him makes my brain spasm. He even calls me mom!! I don't think deep down I want that. I raised girls and to raise a boy is totally different. Boy are slower, do things without thinking and it just drives me insane. I have tried the hanging out and forming a relationship with him, but that never worked. The longer I have him, the more I push away. I do not connect with him at all........ Please say something that makes me make sense of why I feel like this. i feel like a bad SM, but it is getting so much worse I avoid him. Why does it continue to develop into more intense dislike?
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with you. This is not your child and you don't have a bond with him.
I doubt it's dislike of your SS. It sounds like you're carrying the burden of parenting.
Where is your H? You didn't really mention what he does for HIS son? Do they have a bond? Or did he just leave the child rearing to you? You already mentioned that your SS is a good kid developmentally slow due to the family babying him. Which leaves me to believe your H is also part of this issue.
Do you think your dislike and resentment is displaced, that you're really angry at your H for leaving you to hold the parenting bag? But because your SS is the physical reminder of that, he's become the focus of this issue?
I urge you to get into some counseling on your own first, to explore your feelings a bit more. Find out what has triggered this reaction and how you can possibly resolve it.
The next thing I suggest is marriage counseling, because I'm willing to bet there is a bigger issue here.
And again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you're feeling. You're not a bad SM and you're trying to find your way. That makes you a great SM.
Agree with Shaman29. You say,
Agree with Shaman29. You say, " I care for him, make sure he is fed, school work done, clothing ect...." Just wondering what DH is doing? Sounds like you married DH and he handed over HIS kid for you to raise. You're an absolutely great SM for taking on all of this responsibility. "Love" and the mom role are not an instant thing in blended family situations. Sounds like DH needs to help with homework, bathing, etc.
Best wishes to you.
Thanks everyone. I have
Thanks everyone. I have actually been in counseling, and have had my husband go.. I even took my SS to the Caring place that helps children deal with the death of their Birth Parents. I have recently had my husband spend time with his son. I used to be responsible for everything. Now my husband does all the school homework and chores with his son. He also needs to hangout with him on the weekends. My two girl go their dads on the weekend.
I do think I have ill feelings deep inside that I was just kind of thrown into this. However, I let myself get to this place. I do not think my husband has a good bond with his son. I think he see's his ex in his face that he is having issues with it.
I agree that I should not have been put in this position. My husband and I have a good relationship, however it is time to change many things. We have been married 3 years in June and having a blended family with a passed bio mom is a hard situation to be in. I will admit I have started to struggle with the love he had for her, that was taken from him in a second. I found pics of her in his things a few weeks ago. Of course your mind just goes off thinking things. I understand the situation, however it still hurts. I was with the father of my girls for 13 years. I have love for that man still, but not the kind of love that keeps you in a relationship. So I can understand still having love for someone.
So I can see that I may have resentment toward my SS because of a few issues. 1) I allowed myself to be the main caretaker. I have started to work on this, however I am going to put more guidelines here. I think I need my husband to see that he doesn't have a real close connection to his son and that carries over to me. 2) I think another thing that bugs me is when I look at my SS I do not see me. I see her. And like this effect my husband, it does me too. 3) I knew going into this relationship I was gaining another child. I didn't want anymore and maybe this is something I really didn't let myself swallow and now it seems like something I had no control over.
Sorry so long... However your comments helped me focus on a few issues that I know I need to deal with. It is so hard finding support in this area. I know I am a smart educated strong woman, but this is some mental ride that has me all out of the norm.
Keep the comments coming. It really does help. You are my support tight now..
You are getting really good
You are getting really good advice here, however, do you think some of how you feel about your SS comes from being the bio mom of only girls? My dh's 3 sons were all mostly adults when we met, but I find it difficult to feel any closeness towards them mostly due to their drug use in the past which almost destroyed our marriage. But, dh also has a 7 year old grandson whom I've known since he was a baby, but I still do not feel the closeness to him that I do my own 11 year old grandson. Honestly, I am by far more comfortable around girls than boys which probably stems from raising only girls, but yet I feel that strong bond with my grandson. Dh's grandson is a good kid, but the bond just isn't there. It makes me feel very guilty at times. Anyway, I just thought I'd throw that out there since you, too, have only girls.
I think that could be some of
I think that could be some of it. I also grew up with three brothers who wee younger, but put our family through hell. I moved out when I was 17, got my own apartment and dropped out of school do I could support myself. I have never had a close relationship with my brothers, so that could also be part of it. And it was just me and my girls for 6 years after their father and I split.
Thanks. Becoming a member
Thanks. Becoming a member has really helped me. I will continue to check in. We are in a really complex situation. The dynamics are all over the place, so it does make for a really big mental ride.