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Feeling Helpless

nitwit's picture

I am beyond frustrated and feel like everything is entirely out of my hands. Background: 2 bio children (19 & 14 both girls) from my first marriage (current husband adopted them), 1 bio (19 months) from current marriage, and 3 step children (SS -11, SD -8, SS-8) from my husbands first marriage. We have step children about 50% of the time. During the school year DH goes over gets them up and ready for school in the AM, after school (M-TH) he picks them up and they get to our house 5-10 minutes before I arrive home from work. DH then leaves for work and I keep them and do homework with them until there BM arrives to pick them up. We also have them every weekend, and every day over the summer from 7:30 am to 4 pm, and as they get older I am sure it will be more frequent as they only live about four blocks and can walk back and forth. I try my best not to treat them any different than my bio kids, and for the most part I succeed, although at times it is difficult as they have no chores or responsibilities, and a lack of many rules at their BM house. Things were so bad for a while that if I instructed them to do a chore they (mainly the oldest SS) would tell me not until I pay them (like their BM does), or they would rudely talk back. DH and I have been together for 5 years and things are finally starting to level out, the children all know the routine at our house, and now chip in for chores etc. many times without being asked. At times, I do still have a problem with attitude from the oldest SS, which I attribute to his age, and the SD who when she has issues with her BM she feels she can just throw a tantrum and get her way which doesn't fly at my house. I do all of the things that a mother would do for her own child for these three, cook for them, do their laundry, play games, do crafts and other activities, am their 4-H leader, etc. but I currently have that motherly feeling of many issues with my middle SS and have no power to do anything about it. I know he suffers from dyslexia, been fighting that battle to have his BM or my DH get him a treatment plan at school and additional assistance for 2 years and still nothing has been done, but I think more urgent is he has been getting bloody noses since last spring, BM nor DH would take him to the doctor, but now he has progressed to being lethargic frequently (he has always been hyper) going on three months now, and complaining of leg cramps. On there own each thing would not be entirely worrisome, but he has been anemic in the past and those are also signs of Leukemia. I finally got his BM to take him to the doctor but she only told them he was having bloody noses, nothing about the lethargy or leg pains, so the doctor decided it was just allergies (he never has a stuffy nose or watery eyes, etc), and did no blood work or anything else. When I pushed the issue with my DH he just tells me that the doctor is a doctor and I am not, and that I got the BM to take him to the doctor, what more do I want. Maybe it is just allergies but if it was my bio kids I would be pushing for some blood work at least. I am just worried and there is absolutely nothing I can do so I am feeling completely helpless.

brandtbaby's picture

See if his teachers, school nurse or anyone else has noticed the issue. That will give you more leverage. If you don't get support that way, take him yourself. If you find out they were right, no one can be mad at your for loving him and worrying about his health. If you are right, try not to gloat.

somedevilishbeauty's picture

is this your 11 year old SS or the 8 Year old SS. my brother had the same problems when he started hitting puberty...my mom thought there was something wrong and talked to DR. He said the lethargic and leg cramps was normal for his age due to growing pains. He was pudgy at the time, over the summer he thinned down and grew like 4-5 inches. but if you are really worried about it try to get DH to just talk to DR about all his symptoms and see what he thinks. better safe than sorry

Evil stepmonster's picture

Start making records of it. Every bloody nose, date and time, every leg cramp, date and time. When he gets lathargic talk to him with a recorder, how is feeling, what is he thinking and if it constant for more than a week or two take all the notes and so forth to your husband and tell him look, something is wrong with your son and I have no right to do anything, BM isn't doing anything, you have to do something.
I hope it is just allergies or puberty or something simple. Good luck, I hope it all works out well.