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Babying of 20 year old SS driving me nuts!

grace8205's picture

The babying is driving me nuts.
So badly I already can barely stand being around the skid but I am starting to not want to be around DH.
Skid signs a living at home contract in the beginning of January but hasn’t lived up to it at all. The only rule he has not broken is the one about drugs in our house, but give him time.

Already he has his GF past curfew, keeps taking dishes out of the house into his car (thank goodness I let my ex have the China), never cleans his room or the bathroom he uses, leaves his dirty clothes all over the place including my nicely made bed, brings coffee into his room and spills it on the walls and the stairs on the way up (the rule is no food or drink outside of the kitchen) and just general disrespect.

Tonight I left all the bathroom cleaning supplies on the counter in the bathroom he use so when he returns he can clean it.

DH comes up stairs and sees it, feels guilty because I have cleaned the entire house myself 3 weeks in a row and decides to clean it for him, fine whatever, had to remind DH to scrub the shower and tub down too since he would never do it on his own.

Yesterday skid loses the last set of keys to the car that Daddy lets him drive and texts his father from work to say, fuck this, fuck no one cares, fuck that, etc. He lost his other keys at the city Zoo over Christmas time when he went to see the light display. His father told him 4 times to call the Zoo lost and found because his keys would probably be turned in but he never did it. So Friday when he has texting my Dh having a fit because he lost his only keys to the car left , DH called the Zoo and they found his other keys, DH went to pick them up for skid. Meanwhile DH mentioned to skid that the mustang is a shit hole and smells like pot and to clean it up. The skid said “I lost my keys and I don’t give a fuck about it or anything” DH said it is pretty easy not to care when you did not spend $11k on the car. The skid replied “take it, take your shit, I don’t care. “

If my child swore or talked too me like that I would do nothing for him, and if he told me to take my shit (like the care that he was referring to) I would have picked it up and taken it away from him and let him beg and earn it back from me.

But was does DH do? He puts up with it, drops off keys to the car for skid, even offered to pick up Subway and deliver it to him even though he already had a lunch that was on dishes that he is not suppose to take out of the house.

It is really making me angry and I am losing respect for my DH. Thanks for letting me vent.

Betrayd's picture

No it's total BS. You have a right to be mad. My 18 yo SS is thank God moving out back to BM's BC he can't take my "oppression" anymore of getting on his butt when he doesn't do his one trash chore or clean up after himself. I felt horrible at first. Not anymore.

still learning's picture

Your post is exactly why kids need to move out and live on their own. They need to feel the consequences of their actions, like living with roommates, keeping an apartment clean, losing or keeping their deposit. Having a spare set of keys, being responsible for their own lunch etc. All things we learn in the adult world.

Since he signed a so called "contract" you do have leverage to take action. But you of course know this will cause huge waves with DH.

Merry's picture

Yes, yes, and YES.

You describe my SS at 20. Couldn't hold a job, couldn't stay in school, DH enabled it all. Bought him cars, paid his rent, rescued him from everything. SS was angry at the whole world, made fun of everybody, nothing was ever his fault. Drugs took him away from his horrible life.

Now, SS is on his 2nd drug rehab stint, and I hope his recovery is lifelong and he finds his way through a productive life. I truly do. He's a sweetheart at the core, and I believe that. His issues are probably a combination of his own biochemistry and DH's and BM's inability to parent.

SS is a product of years and years of DH's guilt over divorcing the BM, of no structure, boundaries, responsibilities, or consequences, and textbook enabling and codependency from both parents. It's a spiral to hell. SS has lost many of his friends due to drugs -- it's something of a miracle that we haven't lost SS. I am not exaggerating.

Like you, I totally lost respect for my DH. We've gotten through it. SS's rehab has been a sort of rehab for DH too.

Show him this. Let my experience be his Ghost of Christmas Future if he doesn't change the game.

Rags's picture

Lost his keys? Who cares? Re-key the locks and inform DH that if he does not dispose of his toxic spawn from your life then DH does not get a key.

This idiot kid is gone, on the curb, starving, freezing, and with nothing but the clothes on his back IMHO. For sure he does not get a car out of his toxic behavioral antics.

And ... good riddance to that.

Time to put this useless POS out of your misery.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Time to put those rules in force. GF stays past the agreed upon time? Tell her that it is time for her to leave. Looses keys to car? Guess he has to walk then, no more keys. Dirty clothes? Put them in a garbage bag and throw them out. Continues to violate the contract, change locks on the door and don't give him the key.

Enough is enough. SK starts banging on door etc., call police---it is YOUR house and he no loner lives there.

pinkb's picture

Dear Grace,

Sounds like you are married to a typical Disney Dad. I have a SS18 who is in his first year of college that a combination of his uncle, his mom and his dad are paying for. The original agreement was that kid was supposed to have a job to help fund his education. He actually got one (never thought THAT was going to happen) but it's pro bono. AND, it costs him more than $100/week to get to said job which is over 90 minutes from where he goes to school. Then, of course, his dad loses his job so can't even contribute to the mortgage, car payment, insurance... pretty much ANYTHING but thought it made sense to pay for the child's "education" out of his (pretty much ALL of his) unemployment money which inside of 2 months is going to come to a screaming halt.

One of my favorites was when Dad lent him our car (which is in MY name) and I came home from an overseas trip to be delighted with a $200 parking ticket from the University. Dad of course said it was a "mistake" (I'll bet, the KID'S mistake of parking somewhere he shouldn't have) so shortly I'll likely end up in collections over a parking ticket. Daddy just writes a check which is more and more irritating because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to do the math... if you can't contribute to living expenses you don't have "extra" money to pay for parking tickets.

You'd think the kid poops golden eggs for all the coddling and encouragement he gets when he visits our house and manages to find the dishwasher. I agree with many of the other posters that this is your husband's problem. That being said, good luck with that. I had to threaten to throw my husband out WITH him before he changed his tune. Even now, it hasn't changed that much.

Best wishes... hang in there.

grace8205's picture

It is so annoying because anytime I bring up his kid even in a positive or neutral way my DH gets defensive.

Meanwhile for a long time he would criticize or comment about little things about my son doing things that annoyed him (his son doing the same things) like not closing the pantry door or putting the milk away in the same spot in the fridge and want me to talk to my kid but he would not even say a word to his own. There has never been any rule breaking, drugs, drinking and disrespect from my kid. I think that irritates him too because my kid doesn’t do the things wrong that his kid does and then he feels like his skid gets picked on. But if his kid behaved like the younger one (my kid) there I would not be here posting because there would not be an issue.

My skid smokes pot daily, his Dad is aware, but he also does MDMA, Methamph-etamine, Acid and oxycontin. His Dad is in denial about anything except the pot however I have heard him talk to his friends about them doing the drugs calling them by slang that he thinks I will not pick up on and I have seen him at 7am with is chemical eyes rolling in the next morning.

Last night while skid was out he mentioned that he needs to talk to him because he is not living up to the contract. We had other company at the time and all I could say is yes it needs to be done because he is not following any of the rules, but I did not get into details with others around.

So tonight while we are alone I will end up talking to him about it.

The consequences that DH put to the contract was that “he chooses to live elsewhere” if he does not follow the rules and meaning that he is out. Which DH could never enforce especially without giving him at least a second or third chance or maybe more.
I don’t want to be the one to throw out his kid because then it could cause resentment from DH but I wont tolerate this shit either.

I am prepared to make it uncomfortable for him to live here when he does not follow the rules. Leave things on the floor or out of place they go in the trash, call you on ever single rule break in front of your GF and friends, enforce the GF curfew, can’t keep the bathroom you use clean lock up the bathroom so he can shower at the gym (my bedroom door already has a lock so he will not be using my ensuite), etc.

And I will keep on matching every dollar that DH gives to him in a savings account for my son, since doing this DH has given a lot less money to skid because he doesn’t like it but it is pretty hard to argue it.

If it does not improve I guess I have to suggest counseling and beyond that decide if I am willing to live like this, and I think I know the answer to that.

grace8205's picture

I wish I was more of a bitch at holding him accountable however now that the "reminder talk" gloves are off.
At this point if he does not back me it is marriage counselling (since we have never attended so I do not know how that will go) and beyond that we sell the house and I my $400K in equity and he takes his $45K and we part ways.