Relationship problems over stepkids
Ive read on here before that its ok and understandable that we dont love our stepkids.
I kind of blew up this morning over the fact that I feel like an outsider in my own house. Week after week after week, she finds reasons to bring the children over during their dads week. Its a 50/50 custody relationship. Its been probably 3 months or more since I didnt have a screaming kid in the house and most of the time, up my butt.
I told her that I want an empty and quiet house for a little bit and she got upset. During our argument, I told her that I just dont love her kids as I would my own. That is when she said her heart is broken and shes now questioning the marriage.
I care for her children, I treat them with respect and I provide for them. I just dont feel this connection that she thinks I should and sometimes, I get tired of them and wish they would stay at their dads during his week.
Maybe Im not cut out for this relationship?
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As a side story, her best friend brought her two kids over last weekend, another "alone weekend" gone and stayed until Monday. She stayed all weekend because she was upset over HER fiance telling her the same exact thing.
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Good luck, but I can tell you
Good luck, but I can tell you this: I WILL NEVER EVER MARRY OR COHABITATE WITH A PERSON WHO HAS MINOR CHILDREN!!! And grown children is iffy...because sometimes grown children can't keep their sh*t together and move back home or need truckfulls of money! Plus, some adult skids don't know how to knock before they come barging into your house! Nope, I am one week away from being out of this shithole of a life and I will NEVER put myself in anything like this again!
We had a similar discussion
We had a similar discussion maybe 6 months ago.
It was a Sunday, the kids were to be there another night and then go to their dads. Shes had a busy weekend and she gets the idea that she will pawn them off onto their dad a day early so she can relax. I immediately pointed out that even SHE gets tired of them and if she gets tired of them, certainly I would, too. I thought for sure that she would then understand how I feel at times.
Her thoughts on that were that Im their stepdad and I need to put in more effort than she does to spend time with them. Kind of like catching up for the times I missed when they were younger.
I didnt know how to respond. I dropped it because at least the kids WERE leaving.
It seems they will never
It seems they will never understand from a SP point of view. I do not have any children of my own. We have the SS's every weekend but even during the week we are with them 3-4 nights due to sports and other activities. If by chance my DH is working his rotating weekend him and BM have no problem with my have the SS's. I have said no. Im not picking them up on Friday to feed, entertain and shuttle all over until drop off on Sunday. I understand he loves his boys and wants to spend every minute but when he works those weekends he is out of the house at 6AM and comes home around 10 PM then in bed to get up early for the next day. He doesnt understand why I dont want the children there if I can get a weekend in my home to myself. But he doesnt seem to get upset either.
I thought she understood
I thought she understood but..... Theres always some reason she wants to bring them over or they just want to come over and she cant tell them no. When I do put my foot down and say no, Im a bad guy.
I had to fight to keep the skids away on their dads weekends while my fiance is out of town. Her and their dad thought they should be allowed to come over while its just me at home.
Is this the first
Is this the first conversation you've had with her about caring as a step parent not loving them as your own?
Telling her during an argument probably felt more like a slap in the face then you telling her how you feel. Maybe in a week or so when yall are both calm and relaxed bring it up to her again and listen as much as you talk. When I told DH he was very upset with me, and I can understand that I would be upset too if he told me he didn't like my kids. Now, we've had arguments about it here and there..."You just hate my kids" he loves to tell me. Not true, he has four, I like two of them. Mostly.
Anywho, I think in the heat of an argument maybe it sounded worse to her then you meant it too. Give her some time to cool off. And you are absolutely right, I would take a bullet for my kids and there are just some weekends when I'm calling their dad every 30 minutes asking how soon before he gets here. I NEED A BREAK. I know if I need that then those who are not buttet takers certainly do as well.
This is the first time I said
This is the first time I said that I dont love them like my own but the argument isnt a new one. I just told her WHY I cant tolerate them like she does. She can watch TV while they run around and scream and not miss beat. It gets insane at times. I literally have to escape to the garage but now since its so cold, Im reaching my limit. The SS14 tries to challenge me and though my dad would put me in my place, I need to be more careful. Im NOT his dad..... Though Im suppose to love him like I am....
Oh dude, I'm sorry. I have to
Oh dude, I'm sorry.
I have to have a break from mine or I'll go insane.
I am on both sides of this I
I am on both sides of this I have 4 Bio kiddos of my own and 2 skids. SS's supposed to spend weekends with his BM and half the time never goes.. she cant "deal" with him. We argue because I said she needs to stick to the schedule and take him on her days and he doesn't wasn't to tell his son no. My Bkid's father is not in the picture so we have mine 24/7. However I always try to give us a break and they stay the night at their grandparents almost every Friday or sat. And make sure to deal with them when he needs a break being around them. However like most thinks he says that's "different"... maybe if you got a break from them when they go to their dads you you would like or care for them more? I think its ridiculous that your supposed to love them like a father but they shouldn't respect you as one.
Since BM is the NCP, your
Since BM is the NCP, your husband can't make her stick to the schedule. She's free to decide if she wants to exercise her time. HHusband can't withhold the kid from mom, but he can't force her to take him.
Echo has a point and it's one
Echo has a point and it's one that I wish I accepted before I married H.
He was fighting for custody for his kid, as was middle dad while we were planning on getting married. I honestly didn't believe a judge would separate three siblings (one belonged to H, one to middle dad, one to last dad who was remarried to Uberskank at the time, yes...remarried), and that he and middle dad would never get custody.
Yeah.....wish in one hand and shit in the other.
Judge gave custody of H's kid to him, middle dad's to middle dad and Uberskank and last dad retained custody of last kid. Unbelievable.
We should always be prepared to be full time step-parents because the other shoe can drop any time.
Dude....she is laying the
Dude....she is laying the groundwork to leave the responsibility of parenting at your door. She is using guilt as the cement.
I'm not sure what excuse she's using to keep the kids away from the bio-dad but that is not okay. They should be spending that time with him.
She is trying to guilt you into make up parenting and is trying to use you for free babysitting, I would put a stop to that crap tout de suite.
You've said wife and fiance, but if she is only your fiance then it's time to create an exit strategy and end the relationship.
DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER IF YOU'RE EVEN CONSIDERING FOR A MILLISECOND ABOUT ENDING THINGS.
If you are married to her, then I recommend counseling and NO PROCREATION until you have worked out your issues one way or another.
You're not obligated to love these kids or make up for the time you weren't a part of their lives. That is not your job. If you plan on staying in this relationship, the only job you have is to love and support (emotionally, physically, mentally) your wife. Treat the kids well, don't allow them to be disrespectful towards you and disengage if necessary.