Driven out of my home by his daughter and 7 months on he says I need to accept the change
After a year of living the man of my dreams and happiness beyond words his 17 year old daughter moved in with us as her mother could no longer put up with her and her attitude. Difficulties came from day one and I tried where possible to help by going to college with her, arranging and planning her 18th Birthday party, took her shopping and loads of other stuff but all I got in return was verbal abuse and just before my 50th Birthday she said she 'f..... hated me'. The atmosphere was unbelievable from day one and after 18 months I had no other option but to leave the house. Although her father tried to sort her out I think he felt sorry for her and reckoned he had done a bad job bringing her up so needed to support her. 7 months on and the atmosphere when I visit the house is no better. He and I argue most of the time now as he says he can't control her and does very little to sort our relationship out. Today he said I was like a broken record and that I should learn to accept the change. Once she moves out he sees we can then carry on as we were before she arrived! I am interested to know if anyone has experienced anything similar and how they learnt to accept it. I do love this man very much and when she isn't around and before she moved in it was heaven.
OMG! What planet is he living
OMG! What planet is he living on? She is out of control and does as she wishes. She may never move out. If and when she does, you can bet she will still want money from daddy's money tree.
His daughter is now 19 and
His daughter is now 19 and still her mother doesn't want her in her house due to her behaviour in the past. His daughter now has a boyfriend and states his parents invited her to move in with them until they can afford their own place. This I doubt very much as she is equally verbally abusive to her father and if that unhappy I believe would move out. But I do expect the money tree comes in to it. Discipline is definitely not his strong point.
Love the honesty. Probably
Love the honesty. Probably something I should face up to but as our first year was so magical you hope and pray that it will return. In all the time I lived in the house I treated her the same as I would my own son and told her that. My son at the time was at Uni and is an absolute pleasure to be around which probably doesn't help the situation. No one in my whole life has ever treated me in the way she did.
Thank you. I can not tell
Thank you. I can not tell you how refreshing it is to see the word consequences. There are none and never have been and that is half the problem.
It wasn't "magical". It was a
It wasn't "magical". It was a pipe dream. The unbelievably shitty parent he is to his daughter is the reality. I've been married 31 years, and I just said this to a poster the other day, but IMHO it bears repeating: any two people can be "magical" together when it's just the two of them. It's how you handle kids, jobs, dirty dishes, in other words, LIFE, that determines your longevity as a couple.
Why would you maintain any
Why would you maintain any contact or relationship with a non man who gives his balls to his toxic 17yo daughter?
You have moved out, now move on for good. No more contact at all for any reason .... ever. It was good until this guy bared his ass as having no character at all.
IMHO of course.
^^^This!!^^^ He's made a
^^^This!!^^^ He's made a choice and it isn't you. Let him know that if and when he decides to man up and stop treating SD like a wife he will not be welcome in your life. Then get on with your life. There are plenty of men out there who offer more then this poor excuse for a man. Time's a wast'n!
It's strange as the last week
It's strange as the last week I have begun to blame him and not her. I really have struggled with this one as deep down I do know the answer. I think about the future and if and when she has children of her own I won't want to see them and this will only cause problems. He does have another 16 year old daughter who still lives with the mother but she is a lot different, at the moment. However, he has always kept his conversations with her private (despite us being together for 3 years) and I only see her on odd occasions as he likes to take both 'his girls' out at the same time. Frustration and going crazy are the only words to describe how I am feeling at the moment.
Thank you for this, it has
Thank you for this, it has really helped.
NO NO! My friend who is
NO NO! My friend who is around your age had the same situation, but she left due to her mother's alchohol abuse. Complete bitch. The woman's home became someone else's . DH said it was temporary. The problem is, if she fails (and it sounds like she's doomed), she will be back. No doubt. My friend's husband took her back and said her behavior is a result of her upbringing, and that she was not to blame. Really? Then where does that leave you? She will be back. Your home will not be your own. Nip this in the ass. Kids that are not brought up right and the behavior is not addressed, she will believe there are no concequences, and until there are, there is no reason for her to change. My friend even moved out and plaid the pendeja role (swear word for fool).
He then paid for her education instead of paying bills. Bent over backwards.
She's like herpes, it always comes back once you get it.
My husband says he hopes his son will think about moving in when he's 18 and old enough to make that decision. Ok. I know it will not happen unless SS16 does it during a rough time with the BM, but in reality, no way. No way. No way!!!!! I cant I cant.
A man of your dreams wouldnt put you through this
Well, OP, I hate to say this,
Well, OP, I hate to say this, but it isn't going to get any better. He won't take his daughter in hand and she isn't going to change. So, now it is up to you. It is hard, very hard. I know, I threw my DH out because of his daughter and her attitude.
fortunately for me, he had his eyes opened through counseling and we are back together. He still has his moments because of his daughter, but the rose color glasses are gone where she is concerned.
Seems you have a choice to make....stay and continue to take it or leave and see if he gets the message and gets the strength to stop cow-towing to her.
We are all here to support you whatever you decide. Good luck.
Thank you so much. I am so
Thank you so much. I am so glad I signed up today as I do really feel supported and appreciate everyone's comments.
I think you are right I will
I think you are right I will wait and see what actions he takes. After I moved out in June he has made very little effort so I will wait and she what he does this time. I also think the deadline is good and will keep me focussed.
Understandably you don't want
Understandably you don't want to give up what you feel is a good thing. I just wonder if you have decided that you are allowed to explore other relationships while he gets his domestic life in order. It seems that maybe he is just not that into you if he was willing to let you move out. If I were to move out because we couldn't set up some sort of family plan with guidelines, my DH would have me by the ankles willing to do whatever it took to keep me there.
Another thing - does he enjoy his time with her, just the two of them? Maybe he was afraid to tell you that's what he wanted. A heart to heart about that might be in order and will let you move on peacefully.
I think the fact that it
I think the fact that it didn't bother him me moving out hurt more than anything. I had bent over backwards to help them both. His daughter resents him and is very aggressive and verbally abusive towards him as well. She blames him for the rows she had with her mother and will not accept any responsibility for any of her actions. I did suggest he spent time with her alone so they could try to address some of their issues but nothing positive from it. It will be interesting to see where she ends up and with whom.
Thank you for your comments.
Yes, plenty of good advice in
Yes, plenty of good advice in this thread. Here's my two cents.
Some months after we married (we've now been married a total of 2 years) I noticed my dh looking all sad and mopey after some incident with sdthen13. He explained, "I'll just have to accept that you'll never get used to the way she treats you." It was like he lit a rocket under me. I popped up off the bed and without thinking blurted out "I don't WANT to get used to it! Why should I? I never will and I don't want to!" I was emphatic and enraged. It was the most outrageous crap I'd ever heard and let him know.
I recommend you do the same, in your own way. As winefrenzy said, that guy needs to be grabbing you by the ankles to keep you once you set your boundary and he realizes he's currently on the wrong side of it.
It is hard to let go of a guy with whom life has previously been beautiful and exciting. I understand your grief and fear. But if you do not draw this boundary, your life with him will devolve into resentment, anger, and contempt. Guaranteed.
So start drawing the boundary. See if he makes an effort to find out how he can fix things for you, asks your opinion on how to handle the girl, comes up with novel ideas of his own that make your life better. If he does not, as the sun rises in the east you cannot hold on to the beauty that this relationship once was.
Teen daughters can be rough,
Teen daughters can be rough, especially ones that get tossed from one parent to another because they "can't handle her," which really translates into not wanting to deal with her. Yes she "f-ing hates you." I'm sure she also hates her mother for not wanting to deal with her and her father for not raising her. Now DH is trying to deal with the fall out of his non-parenting of a hormonal young woman who hates everyone.
I think it's smart that you left because you cannot "fix" this situation. I'm going to give the cliche answer that you and DH need martial counseling and DH and his DD need family counseling. DH also needs to have a plan to get DD upward bound, off to college and independent.
I just read that there is a
I just read that there is a 16 yr old daughter in the mix too. Yes she may be "different" for now but you have no idea what will happen in a year or so when BM "can't handle" her either. She may be dumped on DH's doorstep as well. I feel for you and your marriage but I also feel for these kids who get tossed around by their parents. We wonder why they act out. Your DH still has years of parenting that he should be doing and you need to ask yourself if you can "handle" all of this.
There is no shame is saying that it's too much for you to deal with. BM has no problem pawning the "difficult" child off on DH, DH had no problem letting BM deal with the brunt of parenting all those years. DH has no problem with his "non-parenting" style and letting his child run you off. Do you think you can "fix" this situation and do you really want to?
I always laugh when I hear new wives say, "DH has kids but they live with their mother." Like they'll never have to deal with them. Ha!