Exciting science news everybody! Apparently the Institute for the Study of Golden Uteruses has made remarkable progress this week in translating the various open letters to SMs that have been posted on the internet, such as this one-
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tina-plantamura/an-open-letter-to-my-exhu_...

While most of the language in these letters is known to be just gibberish, with the aid of Koko the signing gorilla researchers now believe they can interpret several phrases into regular, sane-people language. These phrases include-

I would like to welcome you = I would like to claw your eyes out

I'm not going to tell you why things did not work between us = He left me because I am psychotic...

To me he is a great guy for someone else = ...but I like to pretend I actually left him

They'll witness the kind of happiness that blooms from the excitement, joy and mystery that comes with a new relationship = Enjoy it while you can since you'll never make it out of the dating stage if I can help it

They'll hear him laugh (too much and too loud, as they've reported to us) = I really, really, really hate you

Please don't ever feel threatened, intimidated or out of place around us = I am trying really hard to make you feel threatened, intimidated and out of place

Just like you, we are also fumbling through the newness of your place in our lives = Oh my God I just hate you so much

Don't ever feel like you can't speak to me, my (new) husband or any of the boys = I put "new" in parenthesis to distinguish my husband from your husband, who I also still consider to be my husband

You're going to see us (the kids, mostly, but also my husband and me) quite often = I am going to take every opportunity to show you how absolutely perfect and happy we are. Because we are soooooo happy! See? See???

Should you ever feel uncomfortable or insignificant during times like this = mission accomplished

He will never call to ask me advice on fashion = He can totally call me about fashion, or anything, at any time

He won't call me to chat about a TV show he enjoys = He can totally call me about TV too, or anything. I'll be here. Seriously, any time is fine,

He won't call me to complain about his work day = Oh God, why won't he call me? WHY????????

My hope is that as time goes by and you are around them more, that you'll have a unique relationship with each of them. This will take deliberate work and effort = I've made sure they hate you, so good luck with that, sucker

I hope this letter doesn't scare you off = I don't want you just to be gone, I want you to be 100 percent, no-question dead. Preferably by my own hands.

Carefully and respectfully, I welcome you = Just so you know, I am Satan

There is still much work to do, but the scientific community is pleased with the progress, and are now working on the theory that it was probably one of their crazy-ass bitches of an ex-wife that wrote it.