First of all you can't make the sd like or love you so please stop trying. Just be kind. I have found with my skids that the more I tried the more they treated me rudely. Don't discipline her. She is not your child. Let dad take care of the discipline. With that said I would also let bf know that he is responsible for discipline and that you will not be responsible for anyone that you have no authority. I don't know all your situation. There may be times or things you have a line drawn in the sand if bf doesn't get his eyes open.

I lived in the marital home. First mistake. The kids acted like they owned the house and I was the maid that lodge there. They were rude and my dh was blind. It is a very helpless place to be. The skids are now grown and gone. We are estranged from two of the three kids. I was a good sm. I take that back. I was a great sm. The skids hated me and repaid me evil for all the good I did.

Now, I will speak for myself. I will confront rudeness myself. I will protect myself. I have just come to accept that my dh is not able.

One line in the sand I drew was letting my ss know that my bedroom was mine and off limits to him. It caused some strife but if dh was not going to take care of it I would and did.

All I can really say is "THANK GOD THEY NO LONGER LIVE WITH US".

I wish I had really good advise for you. This is my best. I always felt I was a step behind in the learning the ropes of stepland.

It sounds like you're already doing as much as you can, and nothing you can do can change sd's bad attitude and disrespect if the father is allowing it to happen. You can't make her change, and unless her father steps up and does something about it, I cannot see how things will get better. So many times step parents are made to feel that they are the ones who have to change, that they should simply put up with sk's bad attitude, disrespect and crappy behaviour, that they should feel guilty for daring to voice an opinion about little angel's less than perfect behaviour, all because the bio parents refuse to accept their kid has a problem that needs dealing with. I think if you tell him that you resent his daughter he will probably defend her and say it's all your fault and you shouldn't be so mean, but if you have any chance of making things work with him, you need to have a discussion, calmly and away from kids and other distractions, and try to make him see things from your side. You need to be strong and not allow him to guilt you and be careful to say it's the behaviour you don't like rather than the kid herself (but he may accuse you of saying you hate his kid anyway, however tactfully you put things). He sounds to me like the typical guilty daddy who doesn't want to think his little angel is guilty of acting like a brat and will defend her to the death. If that is the case, then I don't see how you can look forward to a good relationship without being disrespected and having your feelings ignored, so I hope you can work something out.

Aw, this is not a fun situation to be in... you love the guy and just wish the kid would behave better. And it sucks when the parent gets defensive towards YOU when you're only trying to make it peaceful for everyone.

Since you had a mean stepmother, use that to stress to your boyfriend that you only have good intentions towards his children. Stress how much you ENJOY the son because of his good behavior. Point out all of the nice things that the son does to make you feel comfortable around him. Then... ignore the little girl until she is nice to you. If she is not nice, she gets no attention. If she is rude to you, call out/address her rudeness directly to her, loud enough so that your man can hear it. She's 10. She should know better...does she treat her teacher the same way? I realized that my SD was capable of good behavior when she bragged about how she never "had her card flipped" (for bad behavior) at school. While she was bragging, I realized that if she KNOWS how to behave at school with her teacher, then she should be treating me with the same respect that she treats the teacher because we ain't blood, and I deserve basic respect.

And if your SD does behave badly behind boyfriend's back, wait until she is gone, and you two are being loving towards each other. Then present it to your boyfriend like this, "You know that coworker that you don't get along with at work? (preferably a woman) What if they did [insert behavior of skid] to you? How would you handle it?" And then shut your mouth and listen to his answer. Then casually say, "Okay, well SD did that to me this weekend, and I just wanted to know how to handle it." If he doesn't respond, drop the conversation. Every time she does something crappy, remind him of that co-worker doing the same thing to him. Use words like "inappropriate", "behavior", "attitude", and "manners". And be sure to act like you're confused and don't know what to do.

This is just one way that helped me reach my man. Pointing out excellent behavior and gushing over the well-behaved kid while disengaging from the problem child and re-framing her behavior as something that would be unacceptable if it came from someone else. Though it took a few times, he started seeing it.

I wouldn't worry too much about working past the resentment. Until she behaves and your man disciplines her, you need not soften your resentment. Help your man see that you have good intentions, but it's HIS job to teach his daughter appropriate behavior and you won't be around either of them unless he sees who the problem is. Good luck and stay unmarried until he fixes this.

Most all of this is your BF's fault. He lets A CHILD disrespect you in your own home. He is a guilty dad and has the "my kid is perfect" complex. This is a hard thing to break.
The kid is going to continue to act like a turd because he lets her.

I'd walk away each and every time she was rude or disrespectful. When DH asked me about it, I'd be puzzled and say...I just figured you'd rather have privacy so you could correct xxx.